Journey mercies

When I was in secondary school, I was of the opinion that I had the right to be who I am, and I didn't have to pretend to be somebody I wasn't. And the result of such thinking was that I was a very moody kid. If I was angry, people would know I'm angry. And if I was sad, or happy, it was very obvious.

And I wonder how I get to this point where I am afraid of allowing people to see my emotions. I did well in learning self-control, but there are times when I go to the other extreme, so caught up I am with the thought of CONTROL and being STRONG. That in the end, I lose sight of the beauty of being weak.

For the first time in a long time, I found myself losing the fight last night. It felt like I was floundering in the sea and the waves were mercilessly beating at me. If it was not about work, it was about uncertainties, and if it were not uncertainties, it was about 'problems' that for my whole freaking life seems to never come to an end.

Just when I think I can stand up, something comes to knock me down again. For four hours I fought, but at the end, I couldn't even sit up anymore. In my head I know it's small, if I have a big God, my problems are surely small in comparison. I've gone through tougher times, and I survived, but the feeling of desolation and despair was engulfing me.

I wanted God to lift me out of the slimy pit I was in, but He seemed so silent, so faraway. I wanted to call my friends to cry to them but I felt choked. I had trapped myself within the iron door in my heart, and I hadn't the strength to crawl out. How and when did I find myself here? The thought of needing help from people was appalling.

In my weakest moment, I texted a friend to plead for someone to talk with. Looking back, maybe it was my strongest moment. To cry before someone, even through the phone was the hardest thing to do, because after I did that the last time, I vowed to myself that never again will I be as weak as that and to break before anyone. I am stronger than that.

And that's probably where I went wrong. It slowly stopped being about God's grace being sufficient for me. My own human strength became sufficient for me. It stopped being about Jesus and me coping with anything, it became me coping with anything. It stopped being about God, help me! and it became, What's the problem, God? I'm above all this!

Damn my pride ('scuz the language).