Journey mercies

I started out the week thinking, wahh... I'm so happening man... everyday of the week also got some appointment after work. At the end, I kena ditched twice a few hours before the appointments. Terrible people. Ditched me before I could cancel out on them first. Muahahah...

Work has been keeping me busy, but then again, what else is new right?

Classic statements of workaholic people in my company:-

So I was talking to this girl in the office about my trip to France and she started getting excited, because she's been there before and she has good friends there. In fact, she got even more excited than me and she started getting info for me completely abandoning whatever she was doing!

She rubbed off on me and I was practising the smatter of French words she taught me and when a senior manager rang me on my mobile, I immediately answered it with a bright Bonjour! And when I realised it was one of the senior managers who had recently paid a trip to France a few months back, I got overexcited and repeated again more loudly and energetic, Bonjour Vernon!!

Heh... this is the reason why I always try to maintain a 'cool' facade at work. I always end up doing or saying something utterly stooopid when I get overexcited.

My boss was walking past at the exact moment I waved my hand in the air and loudly said bonjour to my senior manager and everyone around me burst out laughing, including my senior manager. Ai... couldn't even look up because I knew my boss was standing in front of me giving me a funny look.

Just thinking about going back to UK is stirring up so much memories. I would like to think it was the best year of my life. But you know, ever since finding God, each year is better than the one before. Even the last 3 years.

In the last few weeks, I found a friendship in a colleague that I've been enjoying more and more. Maybe it's because we're alike in ways that makes us feel safe with each other. I think we're both guarded, with certain parts of our lives kept hidden. The last time I felt this safe with a guy was with Ashley, and I wonder if I'll ever share that same bond I had with Ashley with another guy. His friendship was one of the most treasured memories I had of UK.

But UK was such a blessed, blessed time for so many other reasons. Sigh...

Right. Now I'm in a melancholic mood again. Shoots. Anyway, came online and found Ms Patricia online, first time chatting with her after for sooooooooo long! I think I see Hui Min more often than I do seeing her! And Hui Min lives all the way in UK while Pat is like in Kelana Jaya. We talked about UK, and something she said struck me. She commented that perhaps the reason why we miss UK so much is because we left too sudden a manner.

And maybe that's the key to everything, to why I've never been able to let go of it, to why I could never really move on from it, because I was never ready to move on or was allowed to be ready. Whatever the reason, I still blame God for my predicament. Bear in mind I say this in the most affectionate of manners. I love Him to bits and I know all things work for the good of those who love and are called according to His will. But seriously, this problem of not letting go doesn't have to persist for so long right?!?

There's a question that someone once asked me. If you were to close your eyes, what is the happiest memory that comes to your mind?

My answer was when I stood outside my church, during the Youth Fellowship days, and this big sized guy came and wrapped his arms around and held me tight for a few moments. I never felt so loved and safe before.

UK was somewhat like that. It felt like God hugged me and held me safe in His arms before He released me.

And now I'm in this big big world, which feels cold and harsh. People see me as capable with the ability to succeed. I'm not sure how long I will last in this world before I either give up and crumble under the pressures or when my heart grows cold and callous in a bid to protect itself. Sometimes I feel like a prodigal daughter. I want to run home, but I can't. Not yet. Whatever His reasons are for me to be where I am today, I must trust it is good.

Ooo... can't wait for my break in August. I need the time off! I need to rest!

I've been working on some pretty fairly large deals at work, and I was pretty surprised when one of my colleagues passed the comment that "I deserved it" should those deals be closed. Maybe it's part of my Chinese upbringing where praises aren't lavishly offered as it might cause too much pride, which makes me feel hard work is a necessity, not a choice. And having the perception that whatever results come from hard work is the result of a necessity and not a harvest that when reaped is to be enjoyed.

Uh... don't know if that makes much sense. But "I deserve it"? It is such a bizarre phrase in my life that I am still struck by the oddness of it.

When my ex-manager in my first company was promoted to Senior Manager shortly after I left, she messaged me to tell me the good news. So many things passed my mind in response to it, and I finally replied to her to simply say, "Congratulations. You deserved it."

After that she told me that she was so incredibly touched by my words, because everyone she shared the news with either replied "Wow, you're so lucky", "You owe me dinner", "We'll have to celebrate, drinks on you". And not one of them gave acknowledgement of the sh*t she had to go through to be where she was. I was the only one who didn't expect anything from her, or did not give her any less of the credit that was due to her.

I wonder if it's an Asian thing, where we tend to minimize ourselves and downplay our achievements simply because we don't want to come across as proud. Heh... I learnt a phrase from Fast and Furious 3 that I watched last night, which I thought was quite true - the nail that sticks out will be hammered (or something like that anyway).

Hmm... something to think about. But I do think we Asians don't give ourselves enough credit. Nevertheless, I will say this, I duly and undoubtedly deserve my break in August. God spare the man (particularly my boss) if he dares to cancel my leave and disallow me from going! My temper and moodiness won't be worth cancelling it to make me stay behind and work, trust me.

So here's the classic question: Do you eat to live or do you live to eat?

Heh... mine is a strong aye to the former! The only person who shares the same sentiments as strongly (and quite crazily) as me is Gurjeet. Hmm... in fact, I think she influenced me to love food even more. That girl would get into classes during college days, in the morning, and sit down and declare she's hungry and start asking me where we would be having lunch!

But I've come to realise there really aren't many people that shares the same passion for food. And it's different you know. It's like you have a better appetite when you share a hearty meal with another food lover. E.g. I had lunch yesterday with two guys for loh shi fun and we shared one big pot of it between 3 people. 3 people. Gurjeet and I used to have one big pot between the two of us!!! After one and a half bowls of it and I was done. Just ain't the same.

And then I went out for dinner with another colleague at TGIF, and within 5 minutes I knew I wanted their Swiss Mushroom Burger and my colleague wanted me to share something with him because he was on a diet. Well, it's good he wants to control his weight and all, I don't have any complaints. It's just that it's been a long time since I had a decent meal with another food lover and I sorely miss Gurjeet. We ended up sharing my burger and salad between the two of us. Halfway eating the juicy Swiss Mushroom Burger I couldn't help feel a stab of resentment at my colleague as I looked at the other half of the burger on his plate. I don't wanna share, I wanna eat the other half too! And there I was, wolfing down my burger and getting my fingers all dirty from the yummy burger, and he was eating his with fork and knife! Boy, did I feel ladylike.

Heheh... there's no pleasing me is there? I pray and hope that colleague doesn't stumble on my blog! But just in case he does, I should add, that I did have a wonderful time during dinner with him!

And somehow I don't think it's a coincidence that I've dropped in weight since Gurjeet left for Australia. No more pigging out partner.

Sheesh... just because I'm making a more conscious effort these days to be cheerful, everyone seems to be getting on my case! I guess that's what you get for having a habit of being moody and cranky. When you start looking happy, it makes people suspicious. I just sit there, minding my own business and smiling away to myself and almost every time I'm caught smiling at my screen someone will question me. It's almost as if it was a sin to look happy in the office.

I can almost hear it now, the murmurs of resentment coursing through the office as they whisper to each other, "There she goes again. She's smiling. In the office! How dare she? Her manager must not be pushing her enough. Doesn't she have enough work? Isn't she tortured enough like the rest of us? Sacrilegious! Burn her!! Burn her we say!!!"

Seriously, I think my office is filled with one too many bitter people. I did my hair in a different way in the office today and my boss was questioning me in a somewhat accusatory tone, "Eh, it's quarter end and you actually have time to go to the salon to do your hair?!?"

Urm... hellooOo, I could be plotting to take over the world in the 1 hour in the salon for all you know. But unfortunately no money to go to salon just to get my hair styled. I'm not paid that much you know.

Wanna score with your bosses? Start looking like you haven't slept in weeks and bitterly (and dramatically) beat your chest with your left hand and hold up your right against your forehead while wailing about how tired you are from working. That's the way to go. It doesn't pay to look healthy and cheerful. Cynicism, bitterness and frustration. Now that's the hallmark of a true worker.

*Eyes rolling*

One thing I don't like is when you're comfortably sitting in church and enjoying just being quiet, and the person with the mike on the stage is telling you to go around greeting each other, with some chosen phrase such as "Peace be with you", "God loves you" or "I affirm you" or something like that.

It's like yeah yeah, what?! What's that you mumbling?! Oh ya, "Peace be with you" babes, sure, just slap your limp hands into my hand like you really mean to shake it and if you actually looked into my eyes while wishing me your blessings, you might see I'm not so interested in wishing you myself. Whooops... doesn't sound very Christian does it? By the way, I'm ok with you calling me pot or kettle.

So yeah, when it comes to things like this, I don't play ball.


Person with mike: Ok, turn to the person next to you and tell them that they are beautiful.

Me: (Turning to Ee Von and looking at her expectantly)

Ee Von: You're beautiful.

Me: Oooh... thankyouthankyou. (Turning to my right)

Small boy with glasses: (Looks up at me with his shy eyes) You're beautiful.

Me: Oooh... IknowIknow!

Ee Von: I think you just traumatized him.

Me: Hehehe... Don't care. He thinks I'm beautiful.

I've decided. I'm going to do something utterly uncharacteristic of myself. I'm going to take a trip to France coming August, after spending a week in Newcastle. Alone.

See, I've got this thing about going to foreign speaking lands. And I only have 2 French words in my vocabulary that's bonjour and merci. Hehehe... very much like how my Mandarin vocabulary used to be confined to wo bu che dou, wo chen de bu che dou (I don't know, I really don't know). I dislike the lack of control I have over my environment, and having no control scares the lights out of me. I want to do this while I still have some of my youthful bravado and since I have the time and sufficient funds to make the trip, why not? Admittedly though, the only reason why I'm willing to make the trip is because I at least now know one French dude (my colleague), which is the only thing giving me the peace of mind to do it. At least if there's anything that happens, or if I freak out or get into some sort of fix, there's someone a phone call away. So no, I'm not completely abandoning my control freak nature.

Hmm... I wonder whether I can convince Ash to take a few days off from work and be my tourist guide in France since he was there for placement for about a year, since he did do a good job being my tourist guide when I visited him in Birmingham. :)

I've got to really start planning my trip, where to stay, who to meet, what to do, where to go, how much budget. Oooo... I'm excited!

Met up with Joshua yesterday for dinner, an old friend and whose parents have lovingly dubbed me as an adopted daughter of theirs. It's funny in a nice way, that some things still hasn't changed all these years. He still does not answer to any unknown phone numbers on his mobile (I was trying to call him through my dad's phone 'coz I left my mobile in my office), and that he is still never punctual.

But, to his credit, some things has changed, he has finally learnt a thing or two on how to cope with moody people, e.g. me. Whenever I used to be annoyed last time, he would keep bugging me and keep asking why why why. It used to infuriate me more! Now he has just learnt to shut up and give space. Lessons courtesy of his moody girlfriend. Hehehe... thanks girl. Even if it took him 5 years to finally understand why he used to annoy me so much.

My parents have countless times mused over how all my best friends throughout kindergarten till today, have been people of darker skin. Kindergarten, I had a best friend called Nora, who was a Malay girl. Then in primary school, I was close to two Indian girls - Lekha and Geetha. Secondary school Lekha was still a strong favourite though I was still close to some Chinese people.

Then came college and I found the love of my life, my Guju Wuju and a good buddy in Sharm. In uni, it was a girl from Bahamas and now I've (re)found another good chum - Nithie. We were in the same class in college, but Guju, Sharm and I were having a blast together and so was he with his two other good chums - ironically, another Chinese girl and Indian girl!

So anyway, we met up for dinner Wednesday night after cancelling countless dinner appointments between the two of us... and what a gala of a time we had! We kept talking and talking and we both didn't even finish our dinner, and we just laughed and laughed and laughed. I love the guy!

We were having dinner at Madam Kwan's at Bangsar and when we were walking down the staircase to leave, and a Chinese dude was walking up while reading a paper he had in his hands. He looked up and was so startled when he saw us he let out a scream while throwing his hands in the air! We were like 2 feet away from him, not even close to touching him! Since I'm always polite about not laughing out loud at people in their faces, I only smiled... but Nithie burst out in the big belly laughs he has and he just kept laughing so much so that all three of us just stood at the stairs laughing together!!!

Then we decided to take a pic of the two of us and we stood at the staircase trying to take pictures of each other, giggling and complaining to each other and finally... managed to get a nice lil pic of each other...

So I brought my two colleagues from France and America for seafood dinner at Tropicana last night. This is the same place we always go to when we uni mates want to meet up for a good meal. I seriously need to expand my knowledge of good restaurants. Silly me didn't think of calling Fi for recommendation. But then again, almost everything is soooo good and soooooo delicious to her.

I ordered quite a bit for three people - butter crab, pork ribs, taufu (beancurd), vegetable, prawns and mantau (fried bread). I thought it was a lot anyway. But both of them started talking about how small the food portions are in Malaysia that left them feeling hungry most of the time! And decided that was the secret to how we Malaysians remain thin. Hah... to think I spent years lamenting about my chubbiness. Though seriously... with my grueling work, I've definitely got no more complains. I'm more stressed about losing too much weight now!

So anyway, my closest friends know that gracefulness and poise are not my strongest suit, and I was concentrating very hard to try not to embarass myself in front of my two foreign colleagues. I was putting so much energy and focus on eating my pork ribs with my fork and spoon and prayed silently that it would not decide to escape from my death grip on it! Thank goodness my American colleague decided that he could afford to be ignorant on table manners and asked if he could use his fingers to eat the pork ribs. Heheh... The French man was a harder nut to crack and he remained the gentleman he was, steadily and very politely dissecting his food.

When it was time to address the crabs, I decided to take the lead and declared the only way to eat those is with the hands. I simply don't have the skill to eat those with a fork and spoon! Hahah... taking them for seafood was a good bet on my side, because between the both of them, they managed to finish a rather large dish of crabs and it was particularly satisfying for some reason to see my French colleague's hands covered with butter sauce! It's nice to know that Malaysian food can convince the French man to abandon his immaculate table manners!

There really is nothing more satisfying to a Malaysian than seeing the guests they are hosting enjoying the food in Malaysia with relish!

My day...

8am : SMS to boss - "Running fever. Will be in late."

12pm : Rush to office

1.30pm : Rush to KL Convention Center. Traffic jam. *Stress*

2.10pm : Pick up French colleague. Rush to Shah Alam. Traffic jam. *Stress x2*

3pm : Manager telling me to rush rush. *Stress x3*

3.15pm : Reach customer site. Guard says... "Salah office lah cik." *Stress x3*

3.20pm : Manager nearly screaming on phone. Rush to USJ. *Stress x4*

3.30pm : Colleague on phone motions to go right, lorry honks like mad for my mad stunt.

3.31pm : Colleague sees signboard and motions me to head for opposite direction.

3.32pm : Me wanting to strangle male colleague for being kamikaze navigator.

3.45pm : Reach correct customer site.

4pm : 2 hours late for appointment but customer still being nice.

5pm : Did presentation. Everyone happy.

5.45pm : Rush back to KL and pick up American colleague.

6.45pm : Drive to Tropicana for dinner.

9.30pm : Drive colleagues back to KL.

9.50pm : Reach office.

10pm : Brief boss about the day.

10.30pm : Check and respond email.

1am : Chat with colleague... "Oklah... time to go back home and work lah."

2.20am : Blogging.

2.30am : Work again.

It came in the form of a bitter colleague, a reminder to pray.

It came in the form of words, an acknowledgement.

It came in the form of an email, a reminder of His blessings.

It came in the form of a struggle, a desperation for peace.

It came in the form of a stranger, who smiled serenely in the midst of frustrations.

It came in the form of a servant, who simply loved.

It came in the form of a friend, that shared in the painfulness of the world.

It came in the form of a memory, of a promise.

Since Dr Lou finally finalized his wedding dates, I can now safely confirm my flights back to UK in August, to witness his wedding with Apple. I've waited quite a while, to go back there and to revisit all the places and people I fell in love with.

You would think I would be thrilled to bits. In some ways, I am. In some ways, I also feel fear and sadness. I've dreamt of going back, if not for good, at least for a good number of years, for 3 years now. Early this year, I was really really hung up about going back.

But one Sunday 2 months ago, God pointed out how I've made going back to UK an idol in my heart. And that Sunday I made the conscious decision to release what did not belong to me. It's only been 2 months, yet it feels so much longer. And today, I actually find myself wondering whether I should go back to UK or not in August. I could use the money to save up to get myself my own pad.

But I think it's important for me to go back. I think I need to get some closure. I'm quite tired of wanting. I just want to be content with wherever I am and whatever I'm doing and move forward.

I'm not sure yet whether the dream of going back to UK is fading because it's God's will for me to be here, or because I've given up on it, or because I'm just fed up and want to start moving on with my life. I think I'll have a better idea when I head back there in August.

I feel fear and sadness because it feels I'm losing something I love and I'm afraid of losing it completely. I still feel confused, so won't try to articulate it too much.

For what it's worth, I sense I'm swimming in shallower grounds and I am passing more trees in my journey. I suspect I've not yet reached my destination though, and it feels like I would soon. Oh dear, this is all throwing me into a deep melancholy.

In the last few weeks, my company had their annual futsal competition, which I had been diligently supporting my BU's team throughout. It was a good excuse to stop working and an opportunity to watch sweating man flex their muscles*. Mmm... ;)

During the finals, proud that my BU's team won the FA Cup. Always nice to be on the winning team. Hehee...




Though this is my fourth company I've been attached to, this is the first one I've been attached longest with. It would take a while to explain the experiences I had in the first 3 companies, but to cut the long story short, one thing I like about my current company and something I still find myself having to adjust myself to is the friendships that can be found in it.

It's a place where people can't afford to hold a knife at your back because the matrix of the organisation is so complex and dynamic, and you really have to be a team player to succeed in it. I have learnt to be so much more nicer, patient, tolerant and politically correct person because of this company. It's a really pretty amazing company. And there are also some pretty amazing people, who have made work very fun. In a nutshell, I'm enjoying my time quite a bit right now. :)


*No, not the reason why I'm there at the futsal competition

When I parked my car this afternoon, a small stray kitty decided to adopt me. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy as that, but it was pretty persistent. It followed me for a bit until a kind but hard hearted man picked it up and took it somewhere else and allowed me to run away. Kind to me, but hard hearted to the kitty.

I felt so bad because something about the kitty's grey fur and green clear eyes stuck to me. I couldn't concentrate at work and decided to see if anyone was willing to take it. I got lucky when one of my business partners said yes.

Shortly after, someone entered the office looking very confused. The cat decided since it couldn't get a mommy, it decided it should try a daddy and followed him right back to the office. So since I found someone to take it, decided to keep it in the office, in a box.

While I was busy working, a curious senior guy decided to take a look at the kitty and we were jolted by a sudden high pitched scream. The poor senior guy successfully embarassed himself by screaming like a woman when the kitten decided it didn't like the box anymore and jumped right out. It wasn't very nice... but basically, couldn't help bursting out in a loud KAKAKAKKAKAKA...

It really didn't like the box, so I had to sit beside the box and coax it to quiet down like a baby. Until it stayed really quiet and people started to get curious whether it was still alive. And so they started disturbing the box again. Sheesh... after a few hours in it, and I was having a discussion with my manager at the other end of the room and not able to fend off those idiots disturbing it, it decided it was not going to stay in it and fought its way out.

It came looking for me and as it walked through the long stretch of cubicles the expression of its face was like, "Whoooaaa... where am I? What world have I stepped into? What's this world of boxes I got into?" and it walked straight up to stand beside me, like a child running to mommy for protection (cue: aaawwwww).

I woulda kept it, but my parents hate cats. I'm more a dog person, but this lil' kitty really stole my heart. My business partner picked it up after her work, and the lil' kitty is now proudly called Elbie. Actually, it's LB, for Lucky Blue. Blue 'cause it came from my company, Lucky 'cause it apparently saved my business partner from a car accident. Because she was trying to watch out for the cat and drive at the same time, it made her super alert, and was then able to swerve and avoid a car pile up in front of her. You go girl. I knew Elbie was super special from the start.

The currents are insistent and persistent. My fingers are slipping. I have so little strength left to hold on. The spirit is willing and yet the flesh is oh so very weak. I'm tired. I just want to be numb.

Wow... my endurance capacity is really stretching. I worked until 3am in the morning, got up at 9.30am, and I'm still going quite strong right now. I used to be completely knocked out by 7pm when I got so little sleep.

These past 2 days, I learnt one thing - don't trust anyone. Such cynicism will be the only thing that makes you survive the rat race. I think larh... haven't really spent that much time to justify that statement yet.

Suddenly, I remember my conversation with Carla, a good friend from the Bahamas, when I was in UK about cynicism. She was the cynic and I was the idealist.


Carla : In the Bahamas, we can't be naive, or people will take advantage of you.

Me : Well, I think I'm more naive. But I think I would prefer to be naive rather than cynical of people, because I think it would be just easier to trust God to protect me than to constantly be cynical of my fellow men, which can be tiring.


There can be a whole shitload of arguments based on that, but the conversation really needs to be understood as per the context of how we understood it. The point wasn't about being naive or cynical, it was really on how much we trusted God to protect us.




I could be cynical of people, and not tell the truth in order to keep them from exploiting from the truth to take advantage of me even if I don't know whether they will. But is that pleasing to God? What ends do I want to achieve, to not be seen as naive (which connotes negativity), or do I want to (attempt to) live a righteous and blameless life?

Yesterday I was chatting with a colleague, and I described my time right now as a period of "Deconstruction and Reconstruction", because it feels as if I'm constantly being challenged to the breaking point. It's an acid test of a make or break situation. And what kind of person it will make me if it doesn't break me is also the question.

I can choose to be the kind of person who grumbles, is resentful, vindictive, petty and argumentative and protects her own interests, reacting to the imperfections of the world and people, or I can choose to be the kind of person God would be well pleased with and choose to act on what is right. Even if it is at the cost of my pride, or to be more precise, especially at the cost of my pride.

He likes to do this you know. He likes to remind me of things I've spoken about and then use my own words against me to remind me not to be a hypocrite and to walk the talk. Sigh... and I just happened to have to be a talkative person. :}