Journey mercies

I remember when I was twelve years old, a group of young people at the age that I am now, walked past me, laughing with each other. And I remember the envy that coursed through me and at that moment, I wanted so much to grow up, to live a life like theirs, carefree and independent. At that moment, life seemed to move as quickly as a snail does.

Now, it looks like I am standing where I had dreamt I would one day be in; the difference: I have come farther than the twelve year old girl ever imagined. It feels like a blink of an eye, and the ten years of my life since then had been fast-forwarded.

Oddly enough, today is a day of goodbyes and tomorrow is a day of new beginnings. In a way, God, who is the Author of my life story, is somewhat dramatic in penning the twist and turns of my life. Today is not just the last day of 2004 and tomorrow the beginning of 2005, but today is the last day of an age, and tomorrow the beginning of another.

As every child does, I had my dreams of who I would become one day. I wanted to dance on clouds, I wanted to capture rainbows and I wanted to bow before an audience with a tiara of diamonds on my head. But as every child must do one day, I grew up.

Today, it seems that the time has come for me to keep my dancing shoes away and for me to don my walking shoes for I no longer desire to flit from place to place, but to focus on walking the road I have been placed on. It is the time for me to let the rainbows be where they are, for at the end of it, I may find a pot of gold, but in the kingdom I am bound for, I will find treasures beyond imagining. It is the time for me to take my place with the audience, to applaud the true King, and give up my tiara to, for it is His kingdom I am bound for, and give up my self-centredness to be Christ-centred, for whose honour I have pledged to uphold.

Today is my last day in GE, which has been the company where my dreams and aspirations had lay within for so long now. I suspect my time here has only been to serve as an illustration by the Author as to leaving behind the rainbow.

It is as if I am standing here, looking into the eyes of the twelve year old girl, who I am separated from by Time, which stands like a two way mirror. I see the wonder, dreams and desires in her eyes as she tries to peer through the glass, but only seeing her dreams and desires and thinks them the reflection of reality. Standing on the opposite side of the mirror, I begin to understand now that the reflection is not a reflection of reality, but what lies beyond it is, and I am ready to live my reality.

Pondered a bit more on the imagery impressed upon me yesterday, it made me think of the many psalms written by people who commonly cried out to God as to why He remained silent and distant from them when their needs were greatest. Even now, it is so common to hear friends talk about their dark moments, where God seemed so faraway, so silent, so distant that sometimes they wondered whether He was there or not. I know I say those things quite often myself.

And the last few weeks it did seem that God was silent, especially when I had so much stress with work and other issues. People love to quote the Footprints in the Sand story, about how the author dreamt he walked along the beach, and he always saw two sets of footprints on the sand. But he noticed during his most difficult times, there was always only one pair of footprints. He questioned God on it, and God replied to him that it was in those difficult times when God carried him on His shoulders.

But I wonder, is that true? I wonder, during our most difficult times, when God remains silent and distant, instead of continuing to walk, does God instead stop and stand still? And wait for us?

I wonder does God wait for us to stop moaning and groaning, so that instead of hearing our own voices and complaining about the problems, open our eyes and look at His face, instead of our anguish? Does God wait for us to stop talking about how everything is going wrong in our lives, and to start paying attention to what He may say about our lives? Does God wait for us to come to the understanding that nothing we do, say, think can help us, but He alone will overcome?

We often hear and read about how we are to reflect His light in our lives, to reflect the work He does in us. After all, were we not made to reflect His image? If God remains silent and still, shouldn't we be reflecting His silence and stillness?

During presentations or trainings, what I usually do when I have to deal with an unruly group of students or audience, is to remain absolutely still and silent before them. When they began to notice that I stand at the front quiet and expectant, they will always fall silent and only when I have everyone's attention do I began what I have to say.

I wonder, does our Teacher use the same strategy? When we're busy chatting with other people or being distracted by other things, does He stand absolutely silent and still, simply to get our attention before He begins His lesson?

I wonder, what kind of students are we?

Are we the sensitive ones, who understand the reason to the Teacher's silence, and fall silent as well, and are willing to listen? Or are we the rebellious kind, who look at the Teacher and roll their eyes, and tell themselves and other people that they don't care, they will do what they want to do, and purposefully turn their backs to the Teacher. Are we the less bright students, who don't understand what the Teacher is doing, and just occupy themselves with their own work to wait until the Teacher starts teaching before they began to pay attention? Or even worse, just fall asleep whenever we have the chance? Are we the kind of students who simply can't focus, even if we want to, but we just don't want to discipline ourselves to focus, even when the Teacher is in the midst of teaching?

Last night, when I began to finally understand the lesson my Master was teaching me, I stopped jerking the bridles He held, and began to fall silent and still myself. Instead of focusing on the things I could do or wanted to do, I began to notice my Master's face, looking at me patiently. I began to notice the wisdom and knowledge in His eyes, and the love in His lips. And I began to find delight in just looking at that face, and for the first time in the last few weeks, I see my Master's face break out in a wide smile.

This is what I live for, not for the places I will go, not how fast I will run, not how far I will travel, but for my Master's love and approval. This is all I have to live for.

I had an interesting conversation with Shih Chung last night that got me thinking on a few things, especially from my own answers to certain questions. And it made me ponder a lot more on Psalm 27:13-14 (WL: this is what I call meditation; reflecting on God's Word and allowing it to sink into me and change the way I understand things), and on how I was to wait for God.

From those thoughts it led me to the image of myself as a wild horse, caught and brought into God's stable. And in order for God to ride me, my spirit had to be broken in order to submit to my new Master. I saw myself as one that was spirited, proud, strong-willed, possessive, and if any were to come too close to me where I think would either be a threat, or trying to bridle me, I would nip and at times, not all too gently.

I still buck, kick and nip, but I suspect that after seven years of being in the Master's stable, I've been broken enough that my Master has already begun to put the bridle over my mouth. Reflecting on the last few weeks, I suddenly realize that my Master had been trying all this while to teach me to calm down and be still before Him, before He begins to lead me. I had been snorting, pawing the ground, and rearing my head to the left and right, but I finally noticed my Master standing quiet and still beside me, holding the reins firmly, with His steady hands all this while, waiting for me. I suspect He often uses this lesson, and perhaps it is one of the harder lessons to learn.

I think I'm beginning to understand that only until I learn to obey and be absolutely still before my Master, will He ride me, first at a slow trot, and when I've learned to be content in that slow trot, will He allow me to gallop, and when I'm finally ready, my Master will began to ride me through valleys, mountains and deserts at a maddening pace, filled with wild exhilaration and exuberance, so fast that it would seem as if we flew.

I'm beginning to understand the wild possibilities that I can achieve if I can only get this first lesson right; to obey my Master without hesitation and question, even if I cannot see the road that He is leading me through.

And this is merely the beginning...

When I was in secondary school, I was of the opinion that I had the right to be who I am, and I didn't have to pretend to be somebody I wasn't. And the result of such thinking was that I was a very moody kid. If I was angry, people would know I'm angry. And if I was sad, or happy, it was very obvious.

And I wonder how I get to this point where I am afraid of allowing people to see my emotions. I did well in learning self-control, but there are times when I go to the other extreme, so caught up I am with the thought of CONTROL and being STRONG. That in the end, I lose sight of the beauty of being weak.

For the first time in a long time, I found myself losing the fight last night. It felt like I was floundering in the sea and the waves were mercilessly beating at me. If it was not about work, it was about uncertainties, and if it were not uncertainties, it was about 'problems' that for my whole freaking life seems to never come to an end.

Just when I think I can stand up, something comes to knock me down again. For four hours I fought, but at the end, I couldn't even sit up anymore. In my head I know it's small, if I have a big God, my problems are surely small in comparison. I've gone through tougher times, and I survived, but the feeling of desolation and despair was engulfing me.

I wanted God to lift me out of the slimy pit I was in, but He seemed so silent, so faraway. I wanted to call my friends to cry to them but I felt choked. I had trapped myself within the iron door in my heart, and I hadn't the strength to crawl out. How and when did I find myself here? The thought of needing help from people was appalling.

In my weakest moment, I texted a friend to plead for someone to talk with. Looking back, maybe it was my strongest moment. To cry before someone, even through the phone was the hardest thing to do, because after I did that the last time, I vowed to myself that never again will I be as weak as that and to break before anyone. I am stronger than that.

And that's probably where I went wrong. It slowly stopped being about God's grace being sufficient for me. My own human strength became sufficient for me. It stopped being about Jesus and me coping with anything, it became me coping with anything. It stopped being about God, help me! and it became, What's the problem, God? I'm above all this!

Damn my pride ('scuz the language).

Top 10 things that irritates me:


1. People speaking to me in a condescending voice

2. People telling me what I should or should not do

3. People asking me to repeat myself

4. People asking me stupid obvious question. Eg, if I have tissues perpetually stuck on my nose and sniffling away, and somebody comes along and ask, "Are you sick?" No, I thought it will be a novelty to stuff my nose with tissues and block my supply of oxygen.

5. When I'm in a bad mood and chirpy, bouncy girls come skipping along my way

6. Chirpy, bouncy girls who try to skip rather than walk

7. Chirpy, bouncy girls who talk about themselves too much, "You know, I like did this, like you know, everyone likes me, oh you know, I like shopped there!" Like you know, get a life.

8. People who talk in the cinema, be it to the person next to them, on the phone or to themselves

9. People who stare. It's plain rude

10. People who don't understand the meaning of personal space

Whenever me and Gurjeet get together, we somehow inevitably get into one of our favourite discussions. Our conversations would sometimes go:


Me: Funny isn't it, that we're both quite eligible, but why are we still so single?!

Gurjeet: Yeah, don't know man. Like what's wrong with the guys these days?

Me: Yeah, it's like we're not fat, we're not stick thin, we're not the most boring people around, and we're not mean.

Gurjeet: Yeah, but the fat, stick thin, boring and mean ones all have boyfriends.

Me: Yeah, don't know man. So what's wrong with us?

Both: Sigh... don't know man.

Silence.

Me: I love you Gurjeet.

Gurjeet: I love you too.


Both hugs each other and then continues sighing.

If anyone is interested in getting to know a babelicious Punjabi girl who has the legs, the body, looks, brains and personality, who's wicked and sweet at the same time, and who enjoys life along with food, drinks and laughter and enjoys talking about politics, let me know. By Wednesday yah. I've got a wicked *eyes gleaming* plan for you if you're interested.

Disclaimer: We are not desperate chiqs, just big time complainers. We're talking about true love, not lust. And we're not talking about having boyfriends, but The One.