Journey mercies

Recently a friend bought for herself the new Motorola mobile and we were ooh and ahh-ing at it and she explained that we should treat ourselves once a while to something good. So taking her advice, I decided to treat myself too... I went shopping!

Heheh... and this time I really allowed myself to treat myself good. At the end of the 4 hours I spent in 1U last Wednesday, I walked away with bags from Zara, Top Shop, Ms Selfridge, Naf Naf, MNG and Dorothy Perkins. Believe me, it took me 3 hours before I decided to just give the money to the cashier for all the clothes. It took me one hour just to let me reservations down and to try on any clothes from this stores because the prices for these clothes from these stores are slightly above the average price.

And then it took me another hour to overcome my hesitation on trying different clothes because although in general, I would be considered as a fair dresser, my two best friends have been trying to change my wardrobe for quite a while. And my hesitation was because I kept hearing both their voices in my head!

Try this... Nooo, not that... I don't like that... I really like this... Just try that...

And because I kept hearing their voices, I found myself reaching out for something and then pulling back because either I felt their disapproval or the voice in my head was trying to get me to stop picking out my typical boring and safe clothes. I had to finally tell myself to trust myself and believe that I can pick out good clothes even without both of them to give me their seemingly expert advices. That I do have a good sense of fashion myself, just that I had always limited myself to the $$$ factor, and that day I refused to let that be one.

After that, it took me another hour to try on all the different clothes and to compare with the nearly similar designs from the competing stores and in the last hour finally got around to purchasing the different clothes I tried on before. And when I started, I couldn't stop! So that's how it feels like being a full blown girl...

And so I walked away feeling triumphant (and tired) with my brand new outfits. And my two new outfits are hanging prettily in my cupboard, which will probably take months before I relent to using them, and I bought them all by myself! Without my two fashion advisors! I feel so proud of myself...

Ok, fine, it wasn't fully independent of them... two pieces I bought was already picked out by them before in my last trips with them to the mall. :P

Days like this I feel utterly confused. I feel...

... Tired 'coz I sat thru the torture of seeing a huge simian hit himself and scream for 3 hours before he plunged to his death last night. My only consolation is watching Adrien Brody *swoon*. Ok, so maybe he ain't a hunk like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, but he is such a good actor. And because had a mamak session after that, I only got home and snuggled in bed at half 3 in the morning. And was rudely awaken by some dude swinging a mallet at the house opposite mine. So what if he was employed to renovate the house, so what if it was 9 in the morning and the rest of the Malaysian population are up and running about, I was still rudely woken up!

... Annoyed because I have to cancel my leave to go back to office tomorrow, when I've been enjoying my week off so much!

... Excited because I met a lot of my colleagues from my new BU in the BU's year end party today at the office. It'll be fun to get to know them better, and my trip to Las Vegas is drawing closer.

... Apprehensive because next year's going to be a helluva time, with work and what's more I just got confirmation that my application to do Masters in Christian Studies part-time for the next three years of my life has been accepted! His grace is sufficient for me, His grace is sufficient for me, His grace...

... Wistful from wondering what the next few years of my life will be like.

... Hopeful for the new year to bring lots of laughter, lots of prayers, just enough tears and immense joy!

... Fearful because I'm turning 24 next year! Another year and I'll be a quarter of a century old!!! 0_0

Christmas has come and gone... thank God. Hmm... sounds odd, doesn't it? I am, of course, thankful to God that He had sent Jesus Christ to exact His plans for mankind's salvation. I am, also thankful to God that the over-commercialization of what the world sees as 'Christmas' has come and gone.

I had grand plans for Christmas this year, and I am glad I had managed to execute the plans superbly. I planned to vegetate at home and so I slept, and slept, and slept... plus watching a bit of TV in my fruitful bid of vegetating at home.

And I did this for a few reasons.

One, to take a nice break from everything that has happened in the last 12 months. I needed to just stop, lie down, take a deep breath and just rest from everything. Sure, I took some breaks in between the 12 months, but they consisted in trips to somewhere to rest. And trips, well, can be quite stressful as well, because you have to plan the trip and your finances and balance your work so you don't leave things hanging.

And for another reason, I realised that I really didn't want to be anywhere near any church for Christmas because I was not ready to feel the aloneness that would hit me if I were to go to any church.

It's been nearly three years. If I don't sound bitter, believe me, I do feel bitter. I don't know why, but I do. Nearly three years since I've been back from UK and I have yet to settle in any church. It gets to a point when I cannot bear to 'get to know people', I cannot force anymore fake smiles like I'm genuinely interested to be in a churchful of strangers, whatmore during a period of joy, goodwill and love. And my mind starts to reel against anyone who dare to talk and smile and 'get to know me' better like they truly cared because I cannot allow myself to believe that they care at all.

But...

The irony of it all. I did go for Uncle T's, my old church's elder, Christmas lunch on Christmas day. Lunch at his house is like tradition. I know I would be meeting a lot of people from my old church and I genuinely felt excited about meeting them again and it was good, seeing them. And it was also good, knowing that they well and truly care for me.

Which then leads to the question, why did I leave my old church in the first place then? Sigh... at this point I don't know anymore. All I know is, even my old church couldn't give me a sense of belonging, even if I do love the people there. I feel like a homeless vagabond.

I spoke to Hui Min, Lou and Ashley in UK and boy, did that make me feel better and worse at the same time. It was good to talk to them and catch up just a little. Talking to them made me realise how blessed I am to have friends like them in my life because they are just so amazing. Hui Min because she is just such a fun person and it's hard not to laugh talking to her. Lou because he is one of my best guy friends and always so so encouraging to talk to him. He's one of the few who always asks 'how are you?' and means it everytime he asks it. And it's just so easy to pour my heart out to him because his words and voice always makes me feel like he's giving me a big hug.

And Ashley is probably my best guy friend (hehe, yes, it's a guy). My friendship with him seemed to have sprung unexpectedly and unknowingly. When I first met him, I seemed to have an odd impression of him being a Swede. Go figure. And I can't even remember how or why, but I visited him one day at his room in the students' accommodations at Claude Gibb Hall and he kept assuring me to feel free to visit him anytime and for some reason, I did. After many visits to his place at Claude Gibb Hall, over many cups of Earl Grey tea, and many hours of chit chatting and head bashing (he's one of those people who always knows everything and has to be right... and unfortunately, he was). An odd friendship was formed. Sigh...

And so, the three phone calls made me reminiscent of the golden year in Newcastle, which caused me to feel even more aggravated during Christmas.

But then again, I do thank God for my predicament. I do thank God that I haven't been able to settle in a church for 3 years and counting, and I do thank God that I find it hard to celebrate Christmas, and I thank God that I struggle with what I struggle with. Reason being, at least I know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence.

I have my friends, people I love with all my heart. From high school, college and university days. I belonged to a large group of friends that made the year in Newcastle a big blast, which is universally agreed that that year was the best year ever. And now I know aloneless (not loneliness, mind you, never loneliness).

I belonged to a great church, which I loved with all my heart. And now I know what it is like not to have a church to belong to.

I have known popularity, and now I know obscurity.

And so I thank God. Because if I never had this Christmas, I would never have come to a realization of God's continued goodness in my life, despite the seemingly negativity of it. At least because of these lessons, I can learn to understand people in the same predicament better, and know how to encourage them in turn.

See, I knew my plans of vegetating would be good for me.

Thanks to my company, I am a happy owner of a new mp3 player. Heheh... I won it for adopting one of the company's initiatives in my work, which wasn't really hard, since when I first came in it was crammed down my throat that I'm actually surprised that there are lots of people in my company that doesn't follow suit.

In fact, when we were sent an email announcing we were winners, we were actually surprised there was even a competition for it. So much so that we received an email from our manager saying:


I like it best when there are fruits dropping down on your lap when you're not looking. I wonder when they'll start giving out PDAs. Who knows, maybe when I'm dreaming, a durian will drop on my lap.

Smooth goings with my plans to Las Vegas. Since mommy is richer than me, got her to agree in taking on some of my expenses first, instead of having the painful sensation in seeing my bank account being depleted too much at one go. Heh... guess some habits are hard to die. My grandma had it, my mom did, and now I too have the habit of needing some amount of money in my bank account for the sense of security.

Got my mom 2 Christmas cassettes from Salvation and when I gave it to her, she said she'll take it as my Christmas gift to her. Hehehe... I guess I don't have to tell her Salvation was selling them for RM3.90 per cassette. But since I'll be buying her something from America, I'm sure she won't mind not getting expensive gifts for Christmas.

Was on leave yesterday, and today had quite a bit of emails to clear up. Was already put on CC in my future team's emails, so it looks like next year will be a bigger challenge for me. So I guess people should start expecting workaholic me to appear once again, with the new role and job scope, doing my Masters in Christian Studies part-time as well (sigh... I smell some divine involvement here since if I knew that I would have a busy year ahead, I might have been tempted in delaying my MCS) and well, and putting in quality time with God, myself and family and quality time with friends.

Hope I will be able to handle next year's challenges because in my mind right now, everything seems enormous. But I'm sure just as God sanctions the challenges I will meet, He will also provide. His grace, after all, is sufficient for me.




Hehe... yes yes, I know I'm a masochist and probably enjoy being busy. But hey, even my mentor, Bro O, agrees that some amount of work should be put in during the wee years as an adult fledging, to suffer now and have a smoother sailing for the years to come, than to relax now and struggle later. Although I must admit, despite the feelings of apprehension towards the new year as I can already guess will be extremely busy for me, I do feel excited.

My discernment for each new year is pretty sharp you know. For the last few years, before the start of each new year, I get a fairly good feeling about what the next year would bring. Although I only started to pay attention to my discernment about 3 years back, which was triggered by Pastor Desmond. So for the next year, I think it will be pretty hectic, I'll probably have some moments of breakdowns (hehe... which happens every year anyway, so much for discernment eh?), but I know that God will pull me through (which is His promise to everyone anyway for those who want to take hold of this promise). But despite the craziness I would experience, it'll be an exciting year.

Anyone wants me tell them their fortune? :P

Although I'm not very close to both Mr and Mrs T, but they were very much part of my life in my time in UK. I remember being part of the singing crew for their wedding in JPC, and i remember their generosity and easy friendship.

And although I was never close to them as the rest of the girls are, hearing about Mrs T's miscarriage is still a very very sad thing. Today is little Katie's funeral, and even though she hadn't yet joined us in this world, she already seems to be part of our lives.

I only thank God, that when encountered with the raw truth that death is an inevitable fate for all of us, there is a peace in trusting in a loving God.

I'm going to America!!! I'm going to America!!! Wheeeeeee... I just confirmed in changing BUs, and my future manager just confirmed that I will be able to join the rest of my future team to Las Vegas, America for the annual training event!!!

I knew there would be a small possibility of going to America, but I never even harboured any small hope at all to go. But when I heard the news... I couldn't focus on my work and was jumping around with joy from hearing the news.

I'm going to America!! Whoooooo hoooooo!!! Need I articulate anymore my happiness? Hehehe...

Update: Will be joining a group of people going to the Grand Canyons as I ffk-ed the original group I was suppose to join as they were planning to go to San Francisco and LA and the budget they are going by amounts close to RM8k. 0_o

Since I have to rebuild my plans and savings to go to UK, I do not want to wash all my savings down on just this one trip. So I jumped ship to join the team that are only going to stay in Las Vegas. And since I only want to go to see the Grand Canyons, I'm happy to stick to Team 2 (Team 1 was the original group)

So I'll be leaving on the 21st and will be back on 3rd Feb. Will be missing out on CNY, which means missing out on seeing my fave person in the world, my cousin sis. Sniff... my relatives won't have to reserve side by side seats for both of us this year and I won't be able to beat my little cousin brother in PS2 (though I have no doubts he'll find my brother to compete against). And I won't see my aunts and catch up on their gossips. Mom is ok about me missing out because she isn't as enthusiastic as it's the first CNY without my grandma. But I bet she'll also be pleased to boast a little about how her daughter can't come back because she's away to America for training.

Aiks... I do want to be back for Chinese New Year to give some support to my mom, but since my sister and brother will be around this time round, I guess she'll be fine. And she'll probably say she doesn't need any support anyway. And it just occurred to me that this is a rare occurence, for my sister and brother to be around for CNY for the first time after a long while, and for me not to be around, since I'm the one who spent the least years overseas studying.

Anyway, back to Las Vegas. I'm a little unhappy now. Grrr... I just found out that a girl I had clashes with now wants to be my room mate and now joining Team 2's plans. Why why why?!?! She so knows I know she doesn't like me and I know she knows that I don't really like her myself, why why why does she want to try to be chummy now?!?! Grrr... why she want to spoil my plans like that?!? Grrr... yeah yeah, I know, love one another, that would be what Jesus would want me to do, but it's on my first and most exciting trip... I'm sulking. Fine, I won't let my childishness spoil my trip. Who knows, maybe if I got to know her a little better, we could be good friends after all. I've made some pretty unlikely friendships before, so we'll never know. I think I'll scare my room mate by reading the Bible every morning and night and pray in tongues... loudly. Heheh... who knows, she might become a Christian after that! If she isn't scared to death by Christianity... hehehe. (We all know I'm joking about this part, right?)

The time has come... when my ego takes a trip downtown. Sniff... my flawless and what has been called 'Dove advertisement' skin, is no longer flawless and now eligible only for the Before and After advertisements, namely as the Before model.

I don't think I'm as stressed as I can be to warrant the acne outbreak, and I do drink lots of water though I may not be eating as much fruits and vege as I used to. At any rate, with my outbreak spreading, I thought it might help to have professional help and decided to go and do a facial.

But to pay RM118-RM198 for just a session?!?! And they recommended six sessions that would amount over to a thousand RM over?!?! Ok, I may be vain, but not that vain. Apparently the main cause of it is dehydration, and I did go to the professional-professional beauty salon. But still... my beauty isn't that precious to me to warrant me spending so much money on my skin. What next?! Spending thousands of RM on my hair because it's not straight/soft/moisturised/vibrant enough?! Or on my nails that are dull/too short/too long/cuticles suffering from some scientific name I don't even know the meaning of?!

Nope, my money can be very much better spent than over my skin. Sorry skin, you're just going to have to be blemished, having uneven tone and just not pretty enough for this world. As a consolation skin, I'm sure God will still accept us in heaven.

Nonetheless, I do not believe that money is the only way to solve problems, so I scoured the great thing called Internet and found real savvy ways in giving my skin some treats:

1. To banish blackheads, rub lemon juice over blackheads before going to bed. In the morning, rinse your face with cool water and repeat the process each night until blackheads are gone.

2. To bring life and lustre back to dull damaged hair by combinging 3/4 cup olive oil, 1/2 cup honey, and approximately 3 tablespoons lemon juice. Set the mixture aside. Rinse hair with water, towel-dry, then work in a small amount of the mixture and comb it through evenly. Cover hair with a plastic bag for 1/2 hour. Shampoo and rinse for shiny, luxurious results.

Well, you get the idea anyway... I'm sure there are more than one way to skin the cat, and so there are definitely more than one way to keep my skin healthy without paying hundreds of Ringgit away like that.

My weekend has been pretty good. *Two thumbs up*

I went to watch two movies, Perhaps Love and The Chronicles of Narnia. Perhaps Love could have been less choppy in its scenes and having more fluidity. It somehow reminded me about Wong Kar Wai's shows, which, I am not a fan of. :P But, at the end of it, I still enjoyed the show very much because the songs were quite good and it was a very thought provoking movie. The characters had so much depths to them and it leaves you musing over why they did certain things.

And Narnia was not a disappointment. But like ireneQ, the unveiling of the wardrobe irked me. It was pretty dramatic, but it was never meant to be dramatic. And though I wish I didn't, I do somehow feel that just a tiny bit of blood and gore would have made the movie a little bit more realistic. But I shall refrain myself from talking too much about the movie. Piece of advice for those who haven't watched it, and haven't read any of the books yet, please, at least read the first book, The Magician's Nephew. If you don't, you will miss out on understanding the context of the movie and you won't understand some of the things in the movie, as the movie is based on the second book.

The books are really easy reads, so it will really won't take that much of your time! And CS Lewis is soooo good. Read the first book for heaven's sake!! But I also think you can afford not to read the second book yet, so don't. But please also read the second book after that, because I felt the movie failed to capture the emotion of the story, and of the characters, namely, Aslan. I felt they could have done more in developing Aslan's character, but in a whole, the movie really doesn't do so much of it because it feels like they expect the viewers to have already read the Chronicles, so that's why, read the first book. The kids were brilliant actors, but you got to read about Aslan the way CS Lewis wrote of him.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie a lot, and I would have enjoyed it a whole lot more IF the audience could have been *&@$*@#*%&@%&*@% much more polite and well behaved. Grrrr... there were people trying to explain the movie during the movie until I quite fiercely shushed those that were near me enough to be shushed. And I could have strangled the amount of people walking in and out of the show, seriously, I could have. I hate, loathe, despise, detest, dislike immensely, abhor being disturbed by anything in the midst of a good movie. And my hate list of disturbance are:

1. Handphone ringing
2. People talking on their handphones loudly
3. People kicking the back of my seat
4. People trying to explain the movie to their friend(s)
5. Smelly breaths (Not mine! The other co-viewers! Trust me, this can really disturb your viewing)
6. People walking in and out in front of you.
7. Small kids who don't know how to control their volume.
8. Parents who don't know how to teach their children to control their volume.
9. People who talk to themselves
10. People who fart in the cinema

Ok, so I have never experience the 10th item, but I think I would be really annoyed if someone did... :D

Last night, after treating Gurjeet to a very expensive birthday dinner (since she claims she bought me lunch and dinner for my birthday which I can't recall) at TSB in Bangsar, we joined Nithi at his company's function in another restaurant close by.

I already had an earlier session with Gurjeet laughing over all the silly things said and done, and when we joined Nithi we went through it again. I'm telling you, thank God I learnt how to develop a sense of humor, because if I hadn't, I probably would have committed suicide from the amount of people laughing at me for all my slapstick moments.

Yes, yes... I can look very serious and be very very fierce. I can certainly look and act cool, poised and professional. But guess the people who have known me long enough also had the opportunities to see me when my guards were down.

One of the slapstick moments was when I was in my first company, and I was pulling an all nighter with my manager, Sonia. This was just before playing paintball, which the company was sponsoring for team building purposes (actually, our GM wanted to play and used team building as an excuse to get the company to fund it, and it was more for releasing tension at each other than building any working relationship).

And so after working all night, me and Sonia were starting to get more and more whacky. Muahaha... I can't even share most of the whacky stuff we did coz I do want to maintain some shred of dignity for myself.

So anyway, we were starting to get whacky, and Sonia, being ultra-competitive and since we were anticipating the paintball showdown between two major factions in the company, and her having a lot of tensions with some few people, was not going to allow herself to lose to any of them. So she started coaching me about how to shoot and if she were to shout at me, it meant I had to drop on the ground, whirl around, shoot and roll away (like some Hollywood cop show). So after prepping me with the theoretical part, she proceeded to give me instructions before we started practising. Like how many people actually practise for paintball?!?

So anyway, her strategy was, stick together and cover each other. So there we were, standing in the office which was the size of two badminton courts, at the aisle beside all the cubicles, with our hands pressed together to form an imaginary gun. And there she was, explaining to great lengths how our key strategy was to stick together and cover each other, and I was listening to her and nodding my head emphatically.

And after she was done explaining, she decided we should start practising our strategy, which was, stick together, cover one another, and remained close to the ground to provide less a target to our enemies.

And the next moment, just as we started to 'advance on our enemies', Sonia was moving forward, and I suddenly dashed through the cubicles on my left, with my hand gun waving in the air and my head ducked as I was trying to remain close to the ground as she taught and all Sonia could do was stop where she was and stare at me with her mouth wide opened. When I was halfway through the cubicles she started screaming at me to stop!

Sonia : What the &#$@?!? (she used to curse a lot) YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STICK TO ME AND COVER ME!!?! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING LIKE A MAD DUCK OVER THERE?!??

Me : But... but... I thought I heard you say I should move to the left while you went forward, just before we started...

Sonia : ?!?!?!?! What did I just say for the last ten minutes?!? The strategy was that WE STICK TOGETHER AND COVER EACH OTHER?!?!

We ended up laughing for the next ten minutes and if I could swear, I would, that I thought I heard her tell me just before I dashed off like a mad duck, to move to the left while she moved forward... hehe... but it was really late, like about 4am or so already... and I tend to get really whacky when I have too little sleep and too much coffee.

Yes Ee Von, don't even bring up the captainball story.

See, if you don't really know me very well, you wouldn't know that I have an excellent photographic memory. I can remember every single detail by being exposed to it one time. That's right, just one time and I'll remember it for life!

And this photographic memory only fails when...

1. I am sleepy
2. I am tired
3. I am PMS-ing
4. I have too much work distracting me
5. I am rushing for something
6. Somebody annoys me
7. I'm sick
8. I'm moody

That's right, and if you know me well enough, only once in a while I would demonstrate all the symptoms above.

So anyway, with the fantastic photographic memory that I have, I was planning this wonderful surprise for Guju Wuju's 23rd birthday. But that stupid dum dum called me a day earlier and we were talking as usual, and she suddenly says coyly...


Guju Wuju : You know, tomorrow is an important day for me...

Me : Stupid dum dum! Couldn't you just wait another day for me and just pretend like there's nothing going on? How am I suppose to surprise you like this?

Guju Wuju : What?! Like how you remembered my birthdays and other important events last time?! With your wonderful, photographic memory?! You always forget, ok! I always have to remind you!

Me : Well, yeah! I really did remember your birthday! I had this great big plan to surprise you!

Guju Wuju : So what's your surprise?

Me : Dowan to tell you. You wait larh, for another day.

Guju Wuju : He he he... oklarh.

Me : He he he... actually, I kept thinking it was on the 6th... but when I called you yesterday, you talked like normal, so I guessed that yesterday was not your birthday, and it musta been the 8th... but I still remembered!!

Guju Wuju : $%&@@*$&#$$*#$&%@


Happy birthday Guju Wuju... you taught me the meaning of best friend, and you taught me how to open my heart and my life. I never knew what was true friendship until you came along, and since then you helped me to embrace and enjoy it with the people that entered my life after that. You are the love of my life. I wuv u...

Sigh... rejected. Yet again. Although I am a generous person, apparently my hemoglobins are not generous enough. Ah well... at least this time the needle didn't hurt as much as the gun thingy they usually used on me.So the trauma of being rejected wasn't as scarring this time round.

On a separate note, I think I've said it before, but, there's a highschool girl in me that just won't grow up. It was Edie Britt of Desperate Housewives who said, "We never grow up from highschool", or something to that effect. Heheh... I can just imagine all my intellectual friends, in particular, my friend from UK, Mr Cichocki, smacking their/his head(s), going, Noooo!!! How can she quote off that show?! What happened to Tolstoy, or Augustine of Hippo or Socrates?

But it's true! I bet that highschool for most of us, or at least during those formative years had been impacted strongly by what transpired during that period of time for each of us.

Well, mine was interesting. It was definitely fun. I remember a lot of eating, sleeping, gossiping and laughing. But there are also some gripes that is just too hard to outgrow. We might have all changed, I certainly have. But since for some of us we only see each other from afar, the perception we have of each other are six years old. Especially for those who haven't had the chance to get to know the 23 year old person today, instead of the 17 year old person they knew back then.

Hehe... I wanted to write somethings that would poke at some people since I fully support somebody who is very dear to me has been in some ways "poked at" indirectly through another person's blog. Inverted commas meaning that it seemed to be directed at my dear friend, though not necessarily attacking her. I may not be fully aware of both sides of the stories, nor am I in the position to judge anyone, but inferring from my knowledge of this person since high school time, I can contrive some form of picture of what may be running in both minds.

But oh well... this is as about as spiteful as I can get I suppose. So, considered yourself poked.

Last Saturday night, Davin was asking round who had AB blood type, because his friend's uncle needed blood to be donated. Davin of course forgot that AB is a universal recipient and he could easily have anybody donating. Being the universal donor, the ever generous O blood type, I volunteered to donate since the last time I did was last year in August.

Then this morning I got an sms from Davin where and what time to go and a part of my brain went, Aiyak... he remembered. Oh no... have to donate blood...

Nevertheless still applied half-day leave since I already said I would. Then manager wasn't sure about approving it, but afterwards, my colleague said he would back me up in the office and then another part of my brain went, Aiya... no more excuse now. Now I really got to donate...

I don't mind them sticking the big ass needles into my arm and drawing my precious blood that keeps me alive. But I've got some serious problems about them sticking that stupid sharp poking device they have into my fingers when they test my blood.

*Grimace*

The time I was supposed to donate blood when I was in college, I was freaking out because of the blood testing, but Gurjeet kept forcing me until I nearly wanted to cry :'( (me eyes were a little moist). And the last time I did in UH, I kept putting my finger forward towards the guy who was waiting to test my blood, only to take it back because my guts mengecut the second before he would prick my finger.

I musta sat there for 10 minutes squirming while trying to pluck my courage up before he finally looked up and pretended to talk to himself, saying, "Orang sudah nak mati tunggu darah didermakan, dia nak takut pulak." Which is translated to, people are at their deathbeds waiting for blood donation, and she is scared to donate. And that helped because after that I stuck my finger out obediently to let him prick my poor finger.

Wish me luck. I hope I don't go there and have them stick their needle into my blood only to tell me my blood isn't eligible because it's lacking iron or whatever.

I'm busy again! I'm busy again! If you know of my masochism, you probably could guess that when I say I'm busy, it's out of happiness for having work to do. Well, actually, it's beyond just having work and being busy that makes me happy.

I had been experiencing some difficult time at work, being my worst critic, I gave myself a tough time with my low sales figures and lack of motivation at work. But I found that from struggling a bit, and pushing myself to be more proactive, I began to see some results after a while. And today, it was like seeing some of my efforts coming to fruition.

It feels like I managed to climb and reach the top of the hill, although the size of the feat makes it to be more of a road bump than a hill. Ah well... at any rate, I'm standing at the top of my road bump with hands punching the air triumphantly. It's still a victory despite it's size. And I'm betting it's the small victories that will add up to make a grand finale sometime along my journey of life.

Although... I think I took my masochism to a higher level when I confessed about my sickness to my manager, whose eyes seemed to light up after hearing that. I think she wanted to polish her shoes and warm up her wrist to start kicking my butt and cracking the whip for me to do more work. And if that was not enough, I also told her I would be interested in trying a new role next year, in a brand team! The brand teams carry the biggest quotas in the company and because of that they have high expectations placed over them, which translates to high pressure and high workload. I even told her I want to be challenged more... sigh... I'll never cease to be amazed at how silly I can be sometimes.

I forgot my lunch box today and was feeling quite starved at work with no food to fill my tum tums. When my friend found out that I was starving, my sweet, caring and wonderful friend immediately sent me a nice big apple to me, all the way from Subang Jaya. This is what ah Chan (whose alternate names are also Yvonne, Chan Li Yuan and Li Yuan) sent me: