Journey mercies

Yesterday at church, Sivin was preaching from Revelation 7:9-17. He helped to put into perspective into my very much sheltered and luxurious life on what it truly means to go through great trials and tribulations and what real suffering is.

Suffering unfortunately isn't the stress from pressure and demands of my management on my monthly sales figures. Nor is it from the anxiousness of uncertainties I go through on what I'm going to do for the next ten years.

I joined a group of people from church on Saturday to Rumah Hope, an orphanage. And looking at the children's faces that day, they seem to have a quality that no children with parents would ever have. It differs from face to face. Some were guarded. Some were simply starving for love. Some were afraid to ask for love. Some angry. Some dull, as if they weren't interested with whatever is going around them.

Growing up with parents was challenging enough for me. I cannot imagine what they must go through, growing up without parents.

I take God and His goodness too much for granted too many times. I had to pray that He gives me 'gentle reminders' to give thanks for all that He has provided. Gentle! I'm not sure if I could be found faithful and worthy if I had to go through some great trials and tribulations in order to truly savour God's goodness.

I remember many years ago, somebody once shared about how God speaks to us all the time. He whispers first to us, but if we don't hear it, He'll start speaking louder. And when we still don't listen, He begins to shout at us to get our attention. And usually, the forms the shouting takes shape in are usually a little painful.

In the last month there seems to be a lot of whispered instructions. I like to call them 'holy-kick-in-the-butts'. My godfather, Bro O? Among his many other spiritual gifts he specialises particularly in giving 'holy-kick-in-the-butts'. He has many styles as well. Front kick, back kick, roundhouse, shadow kick whatever kick la.

Time to get moving before the next big kick comes.

Labels: Musings

Being true to myself, I have once again proven my fantastic, out-of-the-roof IQ level and pure brilliant self. Yes, I'm smart and I'm not ashamed of declaring it for all to hear!

The rest of you? Pffttt. Nothing compared to me and that's a fact.




It's my Bible. I left it on top of my car as I was rummaging through my handbag for my car keys after service.

AND I DROVE AROUND BANGSAR FOR 20 MINUTES BEFORE I PARKED MY CAR AND REALISED I WAS DRIVING IT AROUND BANGSAR FOR 20 MINUTES WITH MY BIBLE ON MY CAR ROOF!!!

I got out of the car, saw the Bible and very likely had my cheeks the shade of my car. Ooo... so that's why the car was honking at me and I actually shouted at him, "I saw you larh babes!" because I thought he feared I was going to reverse into his path. Urhm. Mind you, I had my windows down as well. I didn't plan to shout and let the whole neighbourhood hear me. It just... came out of my mouth.

Oooo... that's why I was getting those looks from pedestrians I passed. I thought they were thinking what a cool chick with cool shades in a cool Wira.

Sigh. Guess not.

So yeah. Anyone wants to contest against my super duper canggih-fied intelligence? The next time I don't reply an sms/call/email/MSN message/G-talk message, can you please just bear in mind that I have the attention and memory of a bird?

Thanks ya.

Grumble to self: Seriously, I think God makes me go through all the stupid embarassing moments to keep my level of arrogance down.

Labels: My stupid moments

Yes, I'm one of those lazy procrastinators. Hate to do my tax thingys. With 2 more days to go, I guess I should get started already. But... but I'm having a headache!

Bleh.

A colleague of mine sent an email with his compiled tutorial/guide to an easy tax declaration thingy. Do you see how long his email is?!?! He made my head spin more with his easy guide.



Oh boy... look at the time. I think I'll rest first and get the tax thingy done tomorrow. :P

Labels: Random things

I'm feeling a touch of melancholy today.

Two team members left the company today, one senior and one junior. I was pretty close to the senior one so it was really a shame that he left. And somehow, his departure feels like an end of a stage in life.

Labels: Musings, Work tales

On the final night in Perth, there was a formal dinner thrown for us. My poor roomie decided she was way too sick. The poor girl was actually not feeling well the entire trip but she only admitted and gave up trying to hide it on Sunday night. She was suffering from migraine throughout the trip and she never complained!

Oh, how shamed I am! She continued to be her pleasant and cheerful self despite being under the weather and if it was me, I would have been grumpier than a bear being jolted from her hibernation.

My biggest weakness? I lash out at people and things around me when I'm grumpy. And I get grumpy when I'm tired,sick,headachy,frustrated,irritated. And when am I tired,sick,headachy,frustrated,irritated? Well, most of the time when I just don't get enough sleep. Which is... just about nearly everyday!

Yeah, I'm pretty much a pain in the arse really. But God still loves me. Pfffffffttt!!!. . . (traces of saliva)






*Korr - brother

Labels: Travels, Work tales

Saturday afternoon a bunch of us ditched the main tent event of the recognition event to rent cars and drive to Fremantle.













Later in the evening, Luke picked me up from the hotel and he took me to King's Park to experience Perth's highest hill. Li Yuan's hill in Cheras is even steeper than it. The reason why it's a bit of an attraction is that the rest of Perth is flat.




After that, he drove me through Subiaco, the Bangsar of Perth, for a look see, before heading to Northbridge, the Bangsar+Heritage Row of Perth. By the way, Luke's driving is worse than any KL drivers I've met. Or maybe it was amplified because he drove KL style in quiet Perth. If he drove in KL with KL's traffic and crazy drivers, it might not have been out of place at all.

After coffee and some time chit chatting, Luke brought me to The Dane or something like that, where his friend was playing in a band there. AWESOME music! Best part of it all? Australia's like great in banning smoking in public places!!! That, was the best part! For the first time, I can enjoy good music without having smoke filling my lungs. I'm a changed person. I used to tolerate smoke because most of my friends smoke.




Now, seeing how Australians can be considerate of non-smokers I have formed a new dislike towards smoke, and sorry, smokers as well. Not the individual, but the act of smoking. I vow, and I tell you, I vow, never to step into another club in Malaysia as long as they allow people to smoke inside the building.

I suppose my new found vehemence towards smoking when I once was indifferent to it was because I always thought that it's a difficult addiction that requires a little more tolerance from me. Until I saw that smokers in Australia have no issues about controlling their addiction. Stooopid Malaysian smokers. They rather inconvenience other non-smokers' healths than inconvenience themselves to smoke in an open air space.

Anyway, without my 3 inch heels, I'm pretty short actually. And I could not see the band at all from the back of the club. So Luke pulled me to go to the front of the stage, behind a cackle of Aussie girls. The Aussie girl in front of me was about a head taller than me and as she danced she kept tossing her hair about and flicking my face with it.

-_-"

Then this guy moved up to the front to dance behind those girls and Luke pointed at him and commented that he was hoping to get lucky.

After that, another two girls pushed up front and forced me to take 2 steps back. I couldn't be arsed about it since that was what Luke and I did, but when eye contact was made with one of the girls, I was a little amused at how catty she was. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes spoke volumes, as if daring me to challenge her for shoving me from where I stood.

Score: 0-1 to the blonde.

A few minutes later, she turned to Luke, touched his jacket and said, "Nice jacket."

Oooooo... although I wasn't there with Luke as in together-together, but we were still there together. That was a direct claws-out-bitch-fight-for-territory provocation from the blonde. The moment she made the comment, Luke and I looked at each and smiled.

I told him, "Well done." and she heard because she threw a glance at me before she turned her attentions back to her girl friend. I got claws of my own, girl, even if I may hide mine a little.

Score: 1-1.

Whee, nothing like an occasional girly spat to liven up the night.

Darn, the TV in my room is busted. :(

Labels: Travels, Work tales

Sorry, I'm going to skip the chronological order of events in Perth and jump to my favourite part straightaway.

During this trip, the company had lined up a host of recreational events for people to do. There was deep sea fishing, sailing, the Swan Lake cruise, golf and an outback event. I had signed up for sailing which was the most popular choice because the seat allocations for it was snapped up pretty quickly. Thing was, these events were lined up for Sunday morning.

Then I met up with Lukey, who I met in Malaysia 4 years ago, before I left for UK, and he lives in Perth now. And he mentioned he was leading worship in his church and I was welcomed to visit. I was a little torn initially because it's not everyday one gets to try a hand at sailing. But I've always wanted to attend church in Australia but never got a chance to. So I decided I would go for church.

The weekend has been interesting in how I saw the little web of thoughts, events, emotions being woven in and out of my consciousness.

I slept as early as I could Saturday night, and woke up early. My roomie was talking about the recreational event I would be going to, but I felt just a slight bit of discomfort as I told her I was going to church instead. She had that small look of surprise. It reminded me too much of my secondary school days when people always looked at me weirdly because of my overzealousness for God.

During breakfast, people kept talking about the activities, and I kept telling them I was going to church, with that small sense of discomfort as well.

Went to church, had a great time. I really enjoyed myself, just by going to church and being reaffirmed yet again of God's love and grace. Was teased and laughed at by God (which shall be another story to tell one day) and had a great time having lunch with Luke and family.

Evening came and people were at the gala dinner talking about the activities of the day and people kept asking me about my day. So I kept telling them that I went to my friend's church till it came to a point that I felt bad. Bad because I talked about going to church as if I was going to visit my friend's church. But the real reason I went to church was to worship God and I wasn't declaring about God enough!

Later that Sunday night, my colleagues planned (another) bout of drinking and gambling and sorts. I did not want to join them drinking but joined them in one of their rooms anyway. But as they waited for more colleagues to join, I sat there, increasingly feeling disconnected from the people in there, and increasingly disconnected with what they were doing. They were lovely people, and very very fun, but I sat there feeling a growing sense of calm.

It was always there, but was ever subtle in its manipulation of my thoughts, the peer pressure 'to be one of the crowd', and the light pressure to 'be approved' was always there. It hid itself behind the screen that I'm at an age where peer pressure wasn't relevant, it was for teenagers and I never saw it till that night.

But I did see it that night and I didn't belong to it. Never did, never will. And baby, don't wanna either. Go screw yourself, but honey, I don't need to belong to your world, the world.

So I got up and slowly but purposefully inched myself to the door. When I was through the door I waved goodbye and despite the incredulous looks and cries of indignation for not joining them, I looked across to the eyes of one man. He saw me and he understood. He knew why I left and it was as if he stood opposite the river knowing why I stood where I was but he didn't yet want to leave where he stood.

Monday morning came and I was having breakfast, I was given another chance to give a better answer than 'went to a friend's church'. And so I answered, "I decided church was more important."

After I said that, I still felt annoyed at myself. Church was more important? Of course not. It made it look like being a Christian was about Church.

And then later, someone asked again about Sunday morning and I was glad they did, because this time I said, "I decided, God is more important. So I went to church."

Then I was satisfied.

It's not about the Bible, it's about the Author. It's not about the Church, it's about God.

I hope this is me re-learning boldness for God.

Labels: Musings

You know what? I don't belong here. And I'm glad I can finally say it. I'm glad I don't belong.

They say passion without conviction is nothing. Conviction without passion is also nothing. I have neither.

Thank you. And good night.

Labels: Musings

So good to be back home!

Flew to Perth on Friday and back today. It's been a great trip! The last two times to Australia before this third trip, was spent in the more popular cities like Melbourne and Sydney so when it came to Perth, the first impression I had was boring. But Perth proved me wrong, I think I enjoyed this trip the most.

The company you're with makes a huge difference of course. And this trip had all the right ingredients.

Some teasers...

When I was in UK doing my final year in university, my mom and I touched the subject of relationships in our emails. I can't remember what led to it, but it ended with me emphatically declaring how if I chose to be in a relationship it will be because of serious intentions of it leading to marriage.

I think she mentioned about how I'm still young. But I'm pretty sure I passionately declared that time was too short for me to make mistakes! So I gave her an example.

At that point I was 21 years old right. So, let's say I meet a guy when I'm 22 right. And we got to know each other for let's say a year before we decide, hey, maybe something can work out right?

So I'll be 23 when we start dating.

So now let's say we're dating for two years right, and we decide, let's get married. I'll be 25 then right?

So give and take a year of planning, I'll be 26 years old when I have my perfect wedding, right?

Whooopee... BEST case scenario.

NOT SO IDEAL case scenario!

What if when we've dated for two years after dating for a year, which is after knowing each for a year from the point of when I was writing the email to my mom, we decide that it's not going anywhere?!?! I'll be back at square one when I'm 25 years old!

And maybe, just maybe, I meet someone else when I'm 26 years old, and then repeat the process of getting to really know him after a year, and then date for another year, and let's say after that give and take a year for wedding plans I'll be 29 years old!!!?! I would have to get pregnant immediately to have a kid before I pass 30 years old (apparently someone somewhere said that would help in reducing breast pregnancy chances, though not that I know of anyone in my family having suffered from cancer that's not the point)!!!

WORST case scenario!!

The same scene repeats itself for a few times! I'll be... OLD before I finally meet Mr. Right-Guy-For-Me!!! And I might be too old to have kids then (despite me having grand plans of adopting kids that's still not the point!)!!!

So yeah, I told my mom pretty emphatically, I could. Not. Afford. Time. I wonder who I inherited my drama mama-ness from.

So hehe... after a few months into my first real relationship at the age of 23, I should have seen it coming when my mom took me out for lunch one Sunday afternoon and started talking about a house and if I planned to settle in it with my boyfriend then, she could help both of us to finance it.

-_O"

My mind went, "Gosh, woman, I'm only 23! I still have lots of time!"

Hehe... naw... it didn't actually. But I did sweat imaginary sweat. Thank God I was only 23. If I was 26 years old and starting a relationship I probably woulda really sweated with such a comment. Not that I wasn't in a relationship that I didn't hope would lead somewhere then. Just that at that point we were still trying to figure out whether it would lead somewhere or not.

Somewhat a little wiser from going old (funny how that happens huh), I am still as idealistic as I can be about certain things. But certainly not as naive as one usually is when they're much much younger.

Can you imagine? A friend who still keeps the emails I used to send when I was in university told me he was re-reading them the other day and in one of them, I told him (rather emphatically as well) that I would not hold the hands of the man I love until we walked down the wedding aisle.

Ahh... to be young and innocent again.

I told him to burn delete those emails.

I met up with a group of friends on Friday night to commemorate the return and leaving of a friend. Sorta like a welcome home and goodbye rolled into one meeting because she was back for such a short time and could only allocate time for us the night before she had to leave again. :/

I've been trying to keep mum about certain things that I'm planning to do. Nothing has been set in concrete yet but it's very exciting to see items on my checklist being cancelled out one by one. Now I only have two more items on my checklist before I actually set my plans into motion.

However, on Friday night, my plans were inadvertently shared with an audience larger than I was comfortable with. Appreciate your help to keep things under wrap until the day of fruition!

With Ee Von in the car...

Ee Von: Yack yack yack yack...

Me: YaAwWwHUCK!!

Ee Von: *Face freezes in fright* ANGEEWEI!! What THE HECK was THAT?!?

Me: Hehehe... sorry, I was yawning but had hiccups. So I did a yawcups!

Ee Von: -_O ... Only with you larh all these funny noises will come out from.

I decided to look up the meaning of the dream that I had before, especially of the dog biting my knee:




I never had the ability to balance the aspects of my life in the first place. Although I've been struggling a little more with it this year instead of letting the imbalance go unchecked as it did last year.

But, I confess I may be a little hesitant in approaching a new situation though the desire is definitely there! I think when you find a quiet corner there will be a degree of discomfit in giving up that space.

Hmmmmmm... what a coincidence. I decided to put off certain things that would lead to a new environment until April since March is quarter-end and my company tends to go crazy during quarter-ends with high levels of stress from chasing numbers. And somehow, my excitement about the new environment has been stirring up again after being dormant for a few weeks. Then as I was thinking about my excitement, I looked at the calendar on my ThinkPad and realised it's the first day of April.

Hmmmmmm... coincidence?