Journey mercies

Ahhhh... I finally got my camera working again! Apparently a number of my files got corrupted and I couldn't download pictures because of it. I suspect it was my colleague's card reader that did it. The lady at the camera shop helped me reformat my XD card. Sigh... didn't manage to retrieve half the pictures I took in Australia. :(

Oh yes... I couldn't manage to take pictures of my budgies, Peace and Joy... because I accidentally allowed them to fly away! Long story. Well, actually, not long, just stupid so I don't wanna talk about it. But when I saw them fly, I was kinda glad they did, because birds have wings that are meant to fly, not to hop around in a small little cage. They actually flew back to the opposite house's roof, and I'm pretty sure they were taking a last look at me before they disappeared. So that was pretty sweet of them.

Last Sunday, my mom bought a pair of birds for me (awwwww...). I think she felt guilty though, for nagging a bit about bird flu, Nipah virus (I was wondering why she was bringing that up) and yadda yadda. She can be a pretty good nagger at times (eyes rolling). I don't know what kind of birds she bought, but they were smaller, aggresive and pretty scary birds. I actually am a little scared of birds... hehe! It took me 2 weeks to get used to Peace and Joy and ignore their flying and wasn't bothered about Joy biting my finger. Joy initially took little light nips on my finger but when she grew bolder, she started to reeeeaaally bite my fingers, especially when she was fed up of me bullying Joy. Because Joy was such a coward, I kept disturbing him to make him tired of running away, but ended up Peace got tired of me disturbing him! Although! I managed to con Joy into climbing on my finger and was perched there for 3 seconds before he flew away. He didn't fall for that again.

Anyway... :( So yeah... I kinda miss Peace and Joy. When my mom surprised me by buying the other 2 birds yesterday, she noticed I wasn't really all that chuffed about it. I kinda surprised myself by brooding about Peace and Joy.

I came back from office today making my mind to get to know the 2 new birds but when I came home, the cage was in funny state and the seeds scattered on the ground! My dad told me some cat came to disturb it and sent the cage crashing down... so hopefully the birds managed to fly away before being eaten.




So yeah, mom's in Kuantan so I called her to tell her about the birdies... :(

Don't think I'm meant to keep birds, but the good thing is, mom also decided to buy terrapins! For what I don't know, because I wasn't at all keen when she suggested, but she went ahead to buy anyway, which is kinda good, coz I kinda took a liking to them. Hehe... don't ask me why, but I decided to call them Georgie and Mimi (sorry ah Li Yuan, no insult meant to your sis, but it seriously looks like a Mimi to me!!!)




Last Saturday, I went for my colleague's wedding at Tropicana. And I err... realised I forgot to take picture of the bride! Hehe...

I can't say I have friends in quantity, but I sure can say I have quality friends.

There is truly something mysterious and wonderful, when there is an invisible bond that links one heart to the other. And through that bond, you undeniably know you have made an unerasable scribble in that person's life and vice versa where that scribble makes up the graffiti of your life. Some larger than others, some more colourful, and some just plain vandalisme.

Thank God some of the vandalisme has faded in time.

Aiks... I scoffed at my colleague's offer to do something for a tender, saying I can do it by myself and don't need him. Not out of pride, more out of relieving him from some workload since he works like crazy everyday. But I just opened the document and now scratching my head wondering how am I going to finish it man. Sigh... nevermind larh. It is my work by right, and people really shouldn't take advantage of this guy just because he doesn't have the heart to say no to people.

Last year, about this time, I was supposed to go to Las Vegas for annual training provided by my company but it was cancelled. This time round, I'm off to Australia! Hopefully that's not going to be cancelled this time.

I would be a lot more excited about the trip if I hadn't already been there last October and if Gurjeet weren't back here in Malaysia itself when I head to Australia next month.

I'll be in 3 different states of Australia under a week and a half. Melbourne, Gold Coast and Sydney. Is it in 3 different states? Melbourne for training, Gold Coast for a unit meeting and Sydney for holiday. In April I'm supposed to be going to Perth as well, so I'm going to get to know Australia a whole lot better this year!

I have been reminded to put back some simplicity in my faith. I have a tendency to complicate things a little.

"How's John lately?" Adam asked.

Elizabeth gave a small smile as she replied that he was coping.

Adam looked at her suspiciously. "I've been watching you guys. You haven't really been calling or seeing him much have you? What's up?"

She breathed deeply and her eyes glazed as her thoughts turned towards John. "Oh, I've been seeing him. He doesn't know it, but I always see him."

Adam breathed heavily in frustration. "Woman! If this is about how John has been spending too much time in the office and neglecting you, you must know that it's because he wants to put in the effort to stabilize in his job and it isn't easy for him! It isn't like he's seeing another woman or anything. He loves you really deeply!"

Elizabeth turned her eyes to him without even flinching at his outburst. "I know, Adam."

"Then why are you distancing yourself from him?! Why are you acting so cold towards him, not calling him, not even trying to cajole him to spend time with you, not sulking at him to make him pay attention to you like any other girl would?!?"

"Because I love him Adam," she replied quietly and simply.

"I know! And that's why I don't understand! You love him. He loves you. So why do you keep away from him?!"

She looked away again to stare into space, her face serene though her eyes betrayed a hint of pain. "I love him without boundaries. My love for him consumes me. Everything that I am, is of my love for him."

"When he first started working, he would call me throughout the day to talk to me. As much as he could, he would spend as much time as he could with me despite the demands of work because he knew that work is work and nothing could be more important than the love that we share. But as the years went by and the demands of his work increased and became more ingrained as part of his life, he forgot to call me and became too tired to spend time with me."

"Liz," Adam sighed. "That may be true, but you must know it doesn't mean his love for you has lessen. He only grew less wise in managing his time."

"He was never wise in that in the first place," Elizabeth grinned.

"There you go. We know John. But if he stopped calling you, why can't you call him? Why don't you remind him how important it is to balance his life? Why do you let him drain himself away by putting everything into his work?"

She was quiet for a moment before she replied. "He so often comes home and the times he feels most frustrated he would talk to me about them because no one knows him as I do. When he sleeps, I watch him and makes sure he stays warm. He doesn't know or notices the things I do for him, but I don't mind. I love him and I know he loves me. I don't need him to prove his love. We are beyond that."

She turned her eyes to Adam and when he saw the depths of her eyes he couldn't help but feel amazed at the love he saw. "It will never be between me and another woman that he must choose, Adam. There may be times when the temptation flickers before him, but he will never choose another woman. What he must choose, is between me and his job. Between who he must pour his undivided devotion to. And I will have him choose it freely, without me influencing him with the intensity of my love lest he feel obliged to choose me."

"But he should choose you! If you influence him, and he chooses you, it is right!" Adam declared. "But besides that, I don't know why he should choose between you and his job. As you said, it's not another woman. His love for you and his responsibility to work should go hand in hand."

"I don't disagree with that. I'm not asking him to quit his job and spend all his time with me. But John needs to make decisions in his life, what is to be his utmost priority. I know he loves me. I know he wants to choose me. But he needs to make that decision independent of me. If he makes that decision because he feels obligated to the love we've shared and the sacrifices I've made for him in the past, there will always be a part of him that wonders about the what-ifs of a path he turned away from. When his peers start making the big $$$ and are rising to seats of power in the corporate world, there will be a part of him that feels a little bitter that him choosing me must be about him denying his dreams. I will not have that. If he chooses me, it must be because he has decided that I am all that he wants and needs. Choosing me doesn't mean he won't be successful in his career. But we never know where the future will take us. He needs to be sure that his decisions today will not be regretted no matter where the future takes us tomorrow."

"And if he chooses his career, his dreams? Will it not be a shame to know that you are the one who gave his love away without even a fight?"

"I have fought. You know I have. I have given everything. All that I am. That's why I had his love and I had it for a good 10 years."

"And you will give it up now?! That is what I mean by a shame that you let it go now! I know you fought! How you have fought! That's why you must continue to fight and hold his love! You know he will love you. You know he should."

"Should I?" Elizabeth's eyes were clear and piercing. "No. He knows my love without question. Now is not a time when I should fight. Now is a time for him to decide. To fight for his love is meaningless. For him to come to me freely means everything."



I never understood why God remained distant from me in the last three years until I played that dialogue in my head. I always wondered why God didn't make it easier for me by compelling me to do the things I should be doing, praying, fasting, going to church, serving, etc. I always wondered why He didn't just touch my spirit to infest it with overwhelming love as He so often did when I was a student.

For some reason, 2007 feels like it's going to be a reeeeaaallly good year. I feel it in my bones. Since my intuition on this kind of things are usually fairly accurate I feel really optimistic. I can feel the tempo this year changing into a more rapid and lighter beat.

When I was in Singapore a couple of months back, I got to know some really sweet Singaporean girls who were only slightly younger than me, from Bro O's church. On the way to lunch, one of them was telling me about Bro O's advice to her, to slog really hard in the first few years of working so that it would be smoother flowing for the later years.

I snorted and told her not to listen to him because it was that same advice I took two years back and it turned me into a highly strung workaholic. Bro O's only response to that was his evil chuckle.

But of course, as he always is, he was right. Although I haven't sowed enough to harvest much back in return, the little harvest I have managed to enjoy made the hard work worth it. Not because of the commissions and incentives my sales job gives, but more for the sense of self-achievement and increased self-worth from the knowledge that I do have the ability and the capacity that is valued. For someone who grew up feeling the contrary and being in the shadow of siblings who seemed far more cleverer and loved, it is important that I can now value my own achievements in my own eyes, which is far more critical than any other.

And God reminds me that He is no man's debtor and of an even more personal promise, that He will repay the years the locusts has eaten.

Oh yes, although Bro O managed to badger me to start on my Masters of Christian Studies last year, I never managed to even get through my first subject! :S

I got burnt out in May '06. I remember very clearly the time period because it was when sales training, high work demands, assignments and exams all clamoured into one single month. It was so incredibly stressful I simply crashed and burnt that month. No matter how much Bro O tried to push me to finish up my course project after that, I simply could not pick myself up.

I'm slowly mending, but still feeling the after effects! Mended enough to restart on my MCS again! Hehe. But this time Bro O kicked me towards Malaysia Baptist Theology School which unlike MBS, does not have the classes in the evenings where I have to rush like mad after work to. They have intensive classes on Saturday, from 9am to 4pm.

I went to my first class yesterday on Genesis 1-11 with 8 other students. Wahliau wey. For a person suffering from ADD, 6 hours of lecture was a little trying. I could only stretch myself for 5 hours. During the last hour I was fidgeting constantly, changing sitting positions every half a minute. I was ready to break my pen into small pieces by the time the class finally ended.

After 1 1/4 years, I might finally get my first credit out of the 60+ I need to get my Masters. Hehe. Good luck to me eh?

I was a little exasperated when I was told last minute to travel outstation for a business trip on Monday. I'm not a fan of travelling because I tire easily and travelling saps my energy quite a bit.

It turned out to be quite a nice trip, getting to know colleagues and customers better. Seeing some of the local scenery I didn't manage to catch last year because it literally rained for the 3 days straight when I was there, without stopping! Crazy.

I still don't know whether my colleagues was trying to scare me or they were just mistaken themselves. I went to their room at night yesterday, and walked into their room and they immediately jumped because they swore they closed the door. But I walked right in because the door was wide opened. I insisted that one of them probably 'thought' they closed the door but he argued that they would have noticed if he left the door opened by the whizzing sound the wind would have made through the windows as it usually does when the door is opened. The last time we stayed in that hotel me and another of my colleague were quite certain there were certain spirits lurking so I wasn't perturbed at my colleague's discomfort over the opened door.

But when I went back to my own room which I had to myself (my other two male colleagues shared the other room) I did feel a lot more uncomfortable than I did the last time. Like I was being watched. I had to leave the TV on with some sound and light and lay on the bed with one eye opened slightly to watch the room until I fell asleep. I'm usually not perturbed by things like this and tend to laugh at it instead. Not because I don't believe in it, but because I believe the (Holy) Spirit within me is stronger than the spirit in the world (somewhere in the Bible but too lazy to cross reference) but I did feel quite uncomfortable last night.

On the drive back to KL, the scenery we passed made me think of the few times I dreamt of flying. Hopefully it's what one of those dream interpretations I found on the net:


Flying or Floating at Low Altitudes: Floating just above the ground by flapping your hands or arms or peddling your feet is an indication that you have lots of determination and that no matter how hard it gets, you feel you will succeed if you stay on course. This dream is an indication that relief from any setbacks is imminent.

In reality, we do not have the ability to fly. Thus such dreams may represent that which is beyond our physical limitations. In your mind, you can be anybody and do anything. These dreams symbolize your strong mind and will. You feel undefeatable and nobody can tell you what you cannot do and accomplish.


Lately I feel my stress levels are quite high and I've been anxious over anything and everything. Can I finish my work? Am I going to make a mistake? Does my new boss dislike me? Are my pet bird alright? Even now I feel stressed, as I lie on my bed. Stress and anxiety seems like a constant thing these days. It's bad and it's not something I can easily just put aside. A major contribution is work, but I think it's a symptom of something underlying in my own life.

I bought my birds to destress me, which worked for the first day. Then I went outstation for work and stress seemed to hit me doubly hard after that. When I got back today, I tried to take a peek at them but it was already dark and they seemed asleep, so oh well.

Oh yes, and the last two days, flashbacks of sights, sounds and smell of my time in UK appeared intermittently and unexpectedly. Especially since they were memories of insignificant moments that I never gave much thought to, like walking along the shops at Heaton when doing grocery shopping and when walking along the high streets. A little depressing, but not as biting as it used to be.

What, Monday already?! Too soon, too soon. Weekends are just too short. Anyway, true to my ADDic nature, I've done an impulsive thing... I've got myself a pair of budgie pets! They're still a little spooked out with new surroundings and stuff. So hopefully they can acclimatize to the new surroundings so I can start bonding with them soon.

As for pics, I'm gonna try taking pictures of them tomorrow, because GURJEET is finally back!!! Yay!!! And she brought back my camera cables which means I can recharge my poor neglected camera and start taking pictures!!

I think I've got ADHD. Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.

"If you experience more than 10 points on this adult ADD self symptom test, Attention Deficit Disorder is likely present.

• An internal sense of anxiety
• Impulsive spending habits
• Frequent distractions during sex
• Frequently misplace the car keys, your purse or wallet or other day-to-day items
• Lack of attention to detail
• Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems
  
• Trouble following the proper channels or chain of commands
• An attitude of "read the directions when all else fails"
• Frequent traffic violations
• Impulsive job changes
• Trouble maintaining an organized work and/or home environment
• Chronically late or always in a hurry
• Frequently overwhelmed by tasks of daily living
• Poor financial management and frequent late bills
• Procrastination
• Spending excessive time at work due to inefficiencies
• Inconsistent work performance
• Sense of underachievement
• Frequent mood swings
• Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships
• A need to seek high stimulation activities
• Tendency toward exaggerated outbursts
• Transposing numbers, letters, words
• Tendency toward being argumentative
• Addictive personality toward food, alcohol, drugs, work and/or gambling
• Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly
• "Thin-skinned" - having quick or exaggerated responses to real or imagined slights"

Those bolded are what I think I struggle with. I've always had problems with short attention span, so it's not a surprise that I can be suffering from ADD. So I guess I should add another resolution to the list; "To restructure my ADDic environment". I think my ADHD case may not be all that serious, because I think I've had lotsa of help in focusing since I joined my present company. But my first year working it was a lot harder to focus.

For some reason, I feel a little... cheated. From the thought that it could be because of ADHD that caused all this depression and anxiety that has been pressing down on me. And perhaps I didn't suffer from ADD so acutely before I started working because I never had to adhere to a strictly regulated environment that required me to consistently focus on daily tasks. I feel cheated because I've been suffering depression and anxiety and believed it was my own fault for not being able to "get over with it".

Until I have a professional confirm on this, I can't conclusive say I suffer from ADHD. But it sure darn well sounds like it.

I came up with some new year's resolutions in the last month. But seeing I've already broken the main one on the first day back at work that is to "Go home from work by 7.30pm" I thought I should revise that to a more realistic goal.


"To face each unpleasant situation with determination and grit to overcome."


When I was younger, I had a tendency to try to avoid facing unpleasantness and run away from problems, hoping that it will resolve by itself. So I guess when I stopped having dreams of something nasty chasing me while I ran for my life, it was a good sign of progress in this area. Even better was when I did have dreams of something nasty chasing after me and me stopping in my tracks to turn around and attack back. I have very much improved, but I think I could do better since I noticed when I reach a certain stress level, I turn evasive (thus my bad habit of not replying sms-es and calls).

Oh yes, and it's my second year running of having ceased repeating a decade old resolution "To lose weight". Heheheh... now that's a real achievement!

I still remember the first time I got my first mobile phone when I was in college. It was one of those big ass Motorola phones that used to belong to my dad who passed it on to me. It was working perfectly fine with the exception of the constant blank screen which disabled the caller ID and SMS functions (which I later got working by my creative mechanical skills - knocking the phone silly until it decided to behave).

At that time, mobile phones were still considered a luxury rather than a necessity. So when I finally owned one, you can imagine how excited and over-inflated with self-importance I was.

Since my phone had a constant blank screen, I couldn't even change my settings to make it silent or on vibrate mode. But I figured since I just got my phone and not many people had my number, it didn't matter since it won't ring.

Now remember this important fact that I have to repeat; "...over-inflated with self-importance I was."

During class while the lecturer was droning on, my phone rang (and loudly) and it startled everyone while it made me jump and made a quick dash out of the class with my phone while whispering in an urgent yet sharp, "Hello?! Hello?!"

By the time I got out of the classroom I was puzzled by the lack of response on the phone and walked back in to find my dear beloved friends laughing their heads off. One of those idiots decided to play the 'missed call' game and was pleasantly surprised by my wild reaction. That certainly took me a peg or two down. Maybe four.

Anyway, fast forward to today.

I'm less enamoured by technology than I ever have been. And very much less impressed with mobile phones than I've ever been. If I could, I would gladly chuck my mobile phone over a bridge and be done with it.

90% of the time when my mobile rings, I have to grit my teeth and take a breath before I see who is calling me. 90% of the time it's a work-related call. 90% of the work-related calls it's somebody asking me for something or chasing me for something. Can you blame me for associating my mobile phone as something negative?

It's a disruptive tool to thoughts and schedules. If I could only have a mobile phone for the sole purpose of emergencies alone.

This weekend has been blessedly been long. And it's been kept on silent throughout the entire weekend. What bliss. Only with the exception of one work-related sms that came through on Sunday morning, I've otherwise been able to be free of it.

If only it could be this way during weekdays. Sigh.

"Now, listen closely to what I'm about to say, because this is the story of your life."

Uh huh.

"You're going to start settling down and going to church and pick up your Masters again and then guess what's going to happen?!"

"God is going to uproot me!!"

So proud I had the answer. *Eyes rolling*

"THAT'S RIGHT!!!" Yells Bro O.

"I know!!!" I wail back.

That was the case when I was settling down in college life and then had to pack up to go to UK. And when I was settling with my life in UK and then had to pack up and come back to Malaysia.

And maybe that's why I've unconsciously not allowed myself to settle back in Malaysia at all, because I suspect that I would eventually be uprooted yet again. It's like how a child stays up to wait for Santa to come and deliver presents but he never does until the child falls asleep. Or it's like how the kettle never boils when you watch it. Or as someone once shared, how the post you keep watching out for never gets delivered.

Ah well. Going out for fresh air.