Journey mercies

I was feeling a little bloated the other night and felt like having compliments and assurances laid on me so I was complaining to some friends on MSN about getting fat.


Friend 1#

G: What's wrong?

Me: I'm getting fat :(

G: Have you tried exercising?

Me: -_-"

G: I'm sure some exercising will be able to help. We can go hiking or do something together if you want.

Me: You're not very good at this are you?

G: Err... no what, coz I haven't seen you so I don't know how fat you're talking about! But even being a little pudgy during college you were still very pretty.

Me: -_-""

G: But external doesn't matter. I've always liked best about you was your sparkling cheerfulness!

Me: Nice try, you obviously don't hang around me enough to know my moodiness is my weakest trait.


Friend 2#

Y: Skinny is not very nice! More meat is better, more to hug!

Me: Oooh... you're good. I like you!

Y: If I saw you I would have to hug you and you'll have to fight me off!

Me: Oooh... very good! One helluva sweet talker aren't you?

Y: I'm not sweet talking, I'm just being honest.

Me: Better and better.

Y: Trust me, you're phenomenally beautiful!

Me: You've been upgraded to sweetie of the year!


Trust me guys, you don't want to get into the situation of being honest with the topic of 'weight' with a girl. Take the cue from Friend 2#. Lie. Lie like you've never lied before. I'm sure God will understand.

I've been having horrible dreams lately. I hope it doesn't mean anything.

One dream was of me lying on my bed looking out of the window watching raindrops falling from the sky when all of a sudden, I see a plane whizzing down towards my house. I was scared of course and closed my eyes in anticipation of the plane crashing into my room. Next thing I heard was a loud crash and my mother's voice filling the air. I walk up to the living room and see half of the house in rubbles and my mother is sitting on the chair injured though mildly, but my father was by far more seriously injured, with his bones jutting out of his shoulder. I tried to take him to receive help and that's all I remember.

The second dream was last night, where I sat on the floor with a big black dog comfortably lying against me and I was patting his silky fur. The next moment, he sprang to his feet and with his massive jaws, bit my knee and would not let go. I could feel his teeth in my skin and I was panicking when the dog refused to let go (I blame Fear Factor for this). After a while, I'm free of it, but when I reenter the room where that same dog was there, he once again wanted to spring at me but I forget what the rest of the dream was like.

I'd like to think that none of it means anything.

Labels: Musings

Truth be told, I'm a little tired from the mental tug-o-war in my head. It makes me feel like reaching my hands into my head, grabbing all the negative thoughts out and whack them silly on a big huge rock.

But you know what?! YOu KN@w wHaT?!!??!?!

I'm even more tired about feeling sorry about myself even if I succumb to it only once a while. Well, maybe just a little. Oklarh, I overindulge in self-pity so much it's repulsively repugnant!

But no more!!! I now make a stand for myself!!!

Sigh... whhhyy is life such hardwork.... :'(

But if you think I'm not gonna go down with a fight...

Hear me RAaaWwwRRrrr!!!

A close colleague of mine shared his experience of his first trip overseas, which was to France. This colleague basically grew up in a kampung (village) and is a very simple-minded kind of person (though his vocabulary isn't and doesn't fail to share it). So he was sharing his kampung-boy-lost-in-Paris experience.

When he first got to Paris, someone gave him wise instructions of survival in a big city that speaks a foreign language. That is, always memorise a signage so in case he gets lost, he can use it as a landmark to navigate himself.

So he saw a signage during his exploration of the city and happily went his way.

He soon found himself lost and was very happy that he remembered those wise words imparted on him and looked around to see if he could find the signage he memorised. To his dismay and confusion, he realised he kept seeing the same signage popping up everywhere he went.

He found out later that the signage he memorised, "Sortie", meant "Exit".

Yesterday, I was at the gym and drinking a glass of 100plus when this guy turned towards me after talking to a friend and he did a take when he saw me. I could literally hear him say, "Why, hello!" even without him saying anything.

It wasn't a flirtatious, pick up "Why, hello!" but more of a friendly "Why, hello!".

My reaction to the wordless greeting? I completely ignored his presence and inwardly grimaced with irritation.

As I continued standing at the juice bar drinking my drinks, I flickered my eyes towards the exercise room where a group of people were jumping energetically in a Steps class. I noticed how one of the girls was doing it exceptionally well with lots of energy in her movements. I also noticed an exceptionally skinny Chinese dude in tight shorts that looked loose in his skinny frame and my irritation flared once again.

Like do some more manly fitness regime man!! Go lift weights, or go do some cardios. Stop being such a wuss in your wussy tight clothes and short shorts and put on some weight in your pathetic skinny formless body by building your body with weights! Be a MAN! Shee-eessshh.

I was on a warpath yesterday!

I went out for dinner with Ee Von after that and I was telling her about my day at the gym and when a doofus-looking, skinny Chinese guy with ah beng specs walked across I felt infuriated in his oblivious provocation to my already peeved state.

And then as I waited for the cars ahead of us to move so I can look for a parking space I felt like frothing at the corners of my mouth in aggravation.

At that point, Ee Von demanded to know what was wrong with me and if I was PMS-ing!

That made me stop to think about how unusually impatient I was and realised I really was PMS-ing! I'm really generally quite a nice person inside. I've got a lot of skinny Chinese guys as friends, and not all of them aggravate me that much really.

Ok, for those who don't know, I use the name Isabel as a Christian name and only for work or when I'm too lazy to patiently teach people to pronounce my Chinese name correctly. And for whatever reasons, everyone who first knew me with my Chinese name always end up cackling upon hearing me use a Christian name. Wateva lah.

So anyway, I've been pretty strict about the usage of my names. Meaning that Isabel is used strictly for work while my Chinese name is for personal friends and family. I dislike it when the latter tries to call me by my Christian name and if someone from work steps over into my personal circle I will then insist on them calling me by my Chinese name.

Yeah, it's like split personalities man. And if personal friend or family calls me by Isabel, my brain gets real disoriented I tell you.

So anyway, my cousin-in-law was around from Singapore last Saturday right, and him being Indian, he found it really difficult to remember the entire extended family's Chinese names. So to make it easier, everyone had to give an English name.

When my mother invited him into our house, he asked her, "Where's Isabel?"

And my dear mom replied, "Who's Isabel?"

Hehe... my dear mom isn't used to me being called Isabel so she clean forgot that I use that name.

Darnit woman! She's your daughter that's who!!

Arrrghh!! My tummy has gone western on me!!!

Meaning, I can't take any spicy food anymore! Darnit! I practically run for the toilets now everytime I take spicy food. I had northern Indian food today with my cousin and cousin-in-law who's in town from Singapore and it wasn't even very spicy, and my tummy completely rejected the food an hour later.

Any spicy food above the average level has to be completely avoided now because with my tummy gone fussily selective, the food it rejects usually goes through... *ahem* the back door, it leaves a burning sensation during its exit. Hehe.

So yeah, no more mind-numbing-lips-swelling-adrenaline-pumping spicy kicks for me. Yes, it unfortunately means mild and moderate sambals in my nasi lemak, cili padis and tom yam soups. Of course, some people would attest to that I could never take tom yams in the first place. Hehe.

Sniff... what a blow to my Malaysian ego. No more boasting of incredible chili-eating skills and looking down at mat sallehs for their farcical ineptness to take even mild spiciness. Instead... I'm going to be one of them! :'(

Ok, I'm exaggerating.

But seriously, my tummy has keeled over on me. Right now you can't imagine how much I enjoy bland food these days. Give me cream based pasta, fresh salads and cream soups and I'm a happy person. The Indian food I ate today was exploding with taste and the strength of it made me lose a bit of my appetite. And when I saw my brother put dollops of the butter curry on his rice I actually shuddered.

Sigh... gone are the days of shameless eating gusto!

That's right, I'm going to Australia... again next month! Due to God's abundant blessings, I've been awarded with an incentive trip, but sigh... as grateful as I may be to have this opportunity, I wish they chose somewhere a little more exciting. Like Tahiti! Or Japan!

Last year they went to Hawaii of which I'm glad to have missed because the general sentiment was that Penang was much more interesting than Hawaii was. With great food to boot.

I was thinking of giving this trip a miss because I'm getting kind of bored with Australia but when I realised one of my colleagues who I get along with real well is going and we get to be roomies, I immediately decided I would be going! Going with the right people makes all the difference in the world.

Labels: Travels, Work tales

Suddenly, when you want time to move faster, everything slows down in slow mo. What do you mean it's still March?!?!

Sigh... I fear I'm going to implode soon. I can't take the anticipation!!! I want things to start going faster and I feel like stamping my feet in a fit of childish sulk.

SiiiiiiiGggHhh...

:(

I've never met people who have been as arrogant and big a jerks as I have from another principal I have been working with the last few days. Compared to them, I wonder how some people can contrive to think that people from my company are arrogant.

Today, there were three of us in a meeting with the customer besides the other principal and a systems integrator (SI) company. My colleagues didn't wear their ties and their sleeves were rolled up and with a more fussier customer, they could have been considered unprofessional, which really go against the typical company image... hehe. I on the other hand was dressed in a suit with carefully selected colors - black and red.

Black because it denotes strength and authority and red for all that it connotes was chosen mainly for its association to power and strength.

I chose the colours because I was ready to get into a fist fight if I had to with a particular arrogant jerk from the other principal company if he dared try to be funny. If I have to sling dirt, I'll do it in style thank you very much.

Despite it all, I for one had real good fun with my two colleagues today because those two are big jokers. We were making so much jokes and laughing so much today it made work so much fun!

The worse part was, during the meeting with the customer, we only needed to pay attention 30% of the time and soon enough all three of us got bored and restless and at one point, we just started giggling in the meeting! Me and another guy are both cheeky fellas so we basically get amused real easy and I was trying so hard to stifle the snorting sounds I was making and stopping my shoulders from shaking I didn't even dare look up to see whether the customer, the other principal company and the SI was frowning at me in disapprovement!

All I could think of was the time in college when me and Gurjeet would fall into uncontrollable giggles in class! And the lesson I learnt then was to breath slowly through my nose when I'm in a giggling fit I can't control. Or else I would burst into a loud snort! Hehehe... I stopped a few lecturers in the midst of the lesson with those explosive snorts so I wasn't going to risk doing that in a tender meeting!

What made it worse was when I realised the 3rd colleague who always seemed serious walked behind me with his own shoulders shaking uncontrollably and then I saw the other colleague was sitting facing the opposite direction of everyone else also shaking uncontrollably!!!

Oh gosh! What a sight we three must have been! We must have broken down every stereotype my company must have had on them. I felt like a college kid with every ounce of professionalism out of the window.

Hehehe... but it was one of those days when work ended up incredibly fun because we were making so much corny jokes and laughing throughout the entire day. One of those rare days when you experienced the synergy and chemistry that make you feel happy with everything. :)

I remember there was a point of time when I was thrilled to receive the first few emails when I first started working in my company. These days I hate it when I get notes highlighted in red. I can never ever keep up with the incoming mail. I have 62 still unread notes in my inbox and sometimes I feel like it's my inbox that controls my life.

Sighh...

Oh by the way, I lurve Lotus Notes! It's the best tool ever created! It was super complicated to get the hang of using it at first but once you know how to use it, it's incredibly sophisticated and just irreplacable! I'm what you call a true blue. Unhealthily true blue at times. ;)

The biggest challenge I find when you're in the high streets walking amidst the throng of bustling people rushing from one end to the other is that you're hardpressed to remain clear-headed and focused on the direction you were supposed to follow.

When everyone is rushing to the opposite direction where you are to go, it's a hard fight to push against them without being carried away to the same direction they are going. Eventually, you start wondering whether the direction the majority of the people are going to would make more sense before you start giving up going against the crowd and turn to fall into pace with them.

There is a false sense of purpose in it after all. False, maybe. But it's a direction isn't it?

I've been feeling good yesterday and for most of the day today. I've been smiling and greeting people while having light-hearted conversations. It's rare to see me in such a mood in the office in the last 14 months actually. At least to my memory.

But just as I walked out of the office in the evening BAM!!! The negativity, the resentment, the frustrations hit me like a bat wrapped in a pillow. And the tug-o-war started.

The biggest challenge I've faced in this period of 14 months has been the mental or more specifically, spiritual tug-o-war; between succumbing to the bitter resentment of things surrounding you and against focusing what is good, right and pure (Philippians 4:8). And picking up on a term a colleague mentioned today... it comes to a point when you become comfortably numb which is dangerous and yes, it is, because that is when one stops fighting and it's no guess which side you finally end up in right?

I think I was getting to that point at some time. When the negativity, resentment and frustrations hit me afresh today, it felt like someone threw a water balloon right at my head to wake me up from the dreamy lull I've been slowly coaxed to fall into and the shock of it has finally made me shake my head and allowed the reality of my situation register itself.

I can only pray that this is not a mere stirring of the heart but as well as the awakening of the mind.

I woke up this morning feeling quite good, besides the usual groaning about Mondays and sales update meetings. It only took 5 snoozes on my alarm before I finally got up (it usually takes me about 10 or more :P).

In fact! When my alarm went off the first time, I jumped out of bed to snooze it and I actually did a few quick stretches before I jumped back into bed to catch a few more minutes of sleep. I'm amazed at myself! Hehe... what a go getter eh?

Anyway, when I finally rolled out of bed I had a vision. Can't say if it's a vision vision, as in from a divine source. But it was definitely a very distinct image of a sail and that really floated my boat. Geddit geddit... image of sail floating my boat!?!

Heh... my corny uppity mood is a sure indication that my mood is relatively good today. Ignore it.

Back to the vision. It lasted only for a second and it was only of a white sail with the wind pushing it but it spoke of many things to me. It was a reminder that it is the wind that pushes the ship forward and that was what God wanted to do for me, to blow and push me with His wind.

It told me that I should let the wind do the work and not worry about the work required to rig the ship. It also told me that I should sit back, enjoy the wind, enjoy the way the ship glided across the waves and quite importantly, NOT to be distracted how other people were sailing their own ships.

In other words, to focus on God. And I've been breezing through quite a bit today!

Throughout the day I thought of the vision and it hit me at some point of time that some of the things I'm hoping that will materialize could only have been made possible by me going through whatever I went through last year. And the irony is that towards end of last year I thought that 2006 was one of the worst years of my life. It could be the stepping stone to what I consider will be the best years of my life but I'll have to wait to see whether that will be true.

Last year was a time I would describe that I was like a bird lying within the confinement of a shell where I struggled to hatch and now that I've broken free from it, I'm trying to stretch the stiff wings.

I'm waiting for the day I can spread my wings and fly. The day I push off and take the first sweep into the air will be momentous. :)

This never stops being a destresser even if it is only for 5 minutes.