Journey mercies

Yesterday we had a farewell lunch to Mike, who I met on the day I went for my interview with my present company. The hiring manager then made me wait 5 hours that day before I got my interview! When you're trying to get a job you of course don't complain much. But now that I'm comfortably entrenched in the company, I can see (and say) how unprofessional my hiring manager was.

But, anyway, back to Mike. He talked to me about the company, his experiences and was sitting beside me for as long as he could while I waited before he had to go. I was quite impressed with tcompany then, thinking how great it was that they had people my age who were so nice and good looking *ahem*. And I thought if there were more people like him, it would definitely be interesting working for the company. Well, the company scored in first impressions anyway.

Ooo... I feel my tummy giving gastric signals...

Anyway... back to Mike.

So I found out some months back he was leaving, and I was one of the very few who did on the basis that I kept it as strictly confidential. I didn't say a word to anyone ok! That goes to show I can keep secrets after all! Though I probably do that better than keeping appointments... ^_^

Anyway! Back to Mike!

So since we knew certain things about each other that no one else in the company did, we started to gossip a bit more in private conversations and the question of whether we were attached started. I wish we were. If only both of us felt the slightest tingle of attraction between each other. It's one of those weird situations where I find I am very good friends with very eligible, very good looking, very nice, very smart, very hardworking, very 'boyfriend/husband' material, and we both just don't feel the least bit attracted to each other. But thank God! Keeps from letting the friendship being disrupted.

So Mike left. One less friend to gossip with. :(

Sigh... ok, better get cracking at work. 6.30am on a public holiday. Gotta try to send off some mails before I get disconnected from the world again. Me going to my church retreat up in Cameron Highlands this long weekend! Another break for me!

I was at Sungei Wang yesterday evening with Nithi, doing some shopping. And halfway as I was trying on a skirt, I had an overwhelming urge to urhmm... release something. So I dashed as quickly as I could to the closest toilets. Yes, it was so bad that I overcame my distaste for Malaysian public toilets!

So anyway, I won't share too much details on that. But the point I'm leading to is that I've been having stomach discomfort (to put it mildly) for the last two months or so that I finally got fed up with the inconveniences of it and decided to see a doctor today.

So apparently, the doctor suspects it could be an infection in my intestines. Oooo! The drama mama side of me is relishing in the news! And the normal side of me is mildly unconcerned. I'm sure with proper care this will pass. One of my colleagues is sure to chide me. The first few days I had diarrhoe, he kept telling me to go to a specialist but I was thinking what a drama king he was. Hehe. Looks like he was right after all. I should have.

Anyway, the break I took in Australia did a world of good for me. The temporary disconnect from the rest of the world helped me clear up some things in my head.

For one, I noticed how arrogant I've been becoming at the office. I suspect complacency and comfort zones does that more often than not. When one becomes more adept at what they do and grow in the knowledge and skills, they tend to become comfortable with themselves and then arrogant and overbearing to others as they perceive themselves as their better. I see the reaction of distaste as a result of such arrogance and I hope that I do not go down that path.

I'm smiling more now as well, especially to waiters bringing the dishes or to cleaners, and I feel the smile reaching deep into my heart. It's been a while since I've been able to do that. The stress and frustrations at work was turning me grim before the break I took.

I went to church service this morning after missing for 2 months. When I sang, I felt my spirit stir. Something I've not been experiencing for a while as well. At times, the sins in my life tried to block God out, but this time, I felt more wounded, in need of healing from God rather than guilt. I wonder if I'm coming to an end to my prodigal daughter journey and am now ready to return back to the Father. In due time, I'm sure I will.

Bro O is in town and I'm meeting up with him later this evening. Sigh... whenever this dear old mentor of mine rings me or meets up with me, he is sure to say something that will cut through the debris of my life. It's great to have him as a mentor, but at times like this, when I feel too tired and want to say, "It's too hard. I'm not able," having someone pushing me forward and not allowing me to stop can be annoying.

However, it's good God made Bro O to be such a funny character. It helps when you're busy laughing while being whipped to move forward. :}

We went Go-Karting yesterday! At the Sepang track! It was a joint event between ourselves and our partner. Just as an FYI to the IT literate people, we were the FIRST to embrace their technology and in actual fact, their chips integrate SOI technology that is patented by us. Facts presented by the partner representative.

Hehehe... yes, they managed to brainwash me quite well. I'm as blue as it gets.

Anyway, back to the Go-Karting. Great great fun! The last time I did it was on the Subang tracks that wasn't as good as the Sepang one, which is the mini replica of the F1 track itself. Ahem... apparently one guy made the comment, "My balls literally shrunk when you cut and skidded ahead in front of me."

What did you expect, you want me to get on a go-kart and go for a stroll?

Actually, we had the event for our channel partners who all had great fun as well. The internal racing between the principals was held after the official event for the partners.

Oh oh, let me point out as well (just to boast), because there were so many of us, we raced in 2 heats. And I had the best lap time in my heat *beams with pride*. Admittedly, timing not as good as those in the 2nd heat, but the point is, I had the best time in my heat! Hehehe... I was facing tough challenge from my ASEAN manager throughout the whole time, and it was in the final lap we were in that he finally made a mistake and spun to allow me to overtake him and bagged the first place. Muahahah... good fun, go-karting.

Boy... this is how jet lag feels huh? It's 7pm and I'm feeling completely exhausted. I came into the office all bright and chirpy and more than one remarked that I looked very refreshed. Yes, it was a good break indeed.

I had actually planned to work during my break in Australia and I packed my laptop along. But at the airport, waiting to board, I realised I forgot to include the power adapter! And we all know how common it is to find ThinkPads, especially with students (I was staying at Gurjeet's apartment on the University of New South Wales accommodation).

Then when I landed in Australia, I realised, in my haste to pack (yes yes, I shouldn't have done last minute packing), I had just shut the lid of my laptop, and left it on standby mode for more than 8 hours! So by the time I got off the plane, the battery had already died and I could not do any work at all!!

Sigh...

Yes, hear the disappointment in my words!

But, nevertheless, I guess it worked out for my own good. It did force me to really take a break from things. And although I've just been gone for 10 days, it really felt like I had been gone for a month. I just disconnected from the world I know so completely that it felt weird coming back to Malaysia wondering what changes I would find during the period I left. Apparently nothing much. Go figure.

I'm back, I'm back!

The flight back was 'orrible. I couldn't sleep, the baby two seats in front of me insisted on crying and making a fuss most of the way back to KL. So by the time I reached home you can't believe how extremely glad I was to be back to Malaysia.

I'm back in the office despite haing only landed at 11pm and sleeping late after unpacking. But no point delaying the inevitable.

No picture folks, not yet anyway. Because I stoopidly left my power adapter and the adapter to download the pictures on my laptop in Australia!! Sigh. I knew I would forget something. So have to wait until Gurjeet mails it back to me.

Later.

I was feeling under the weather on Tuesday so I rested at home. Wednesday, went back to office and was overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to catch up.

For about half a day, I kept wondering why my toe was hurting but focusing so hard on my work, I kept pushing the thought to the back of my head. After a few hours it finally occurred to me to look down at my toe that had been throbbing for a while and saw that it was bleeding. I must have struck my toe against something sharp, but I was so intent on getting as much things cleared that it never registered.

Today, I'm still racing to get as much work cleared because tomorrow night, well, technically Saturday morning at 1am I'm on my way to Australia! Yay!

But err... but the amount of work I had to catch up just because I was on MC for one day is enough for me to consider doing some bare minimum work even when I'm in Australia. I get at least a 100 mails a day. Trying to clear at least 500 mails when I get back doesn't sound fun to me.

I quite boring huh. Always talking about work only.

Haha... I've not been very active in blog reading activities despite being active in blogging. :P And I just realised that Colin tagged me at his blog. Sorry brudder! Which reminds me, I still owe you an sms right?

Anyway, since I feel so indebted to Colin, as I rudely decided I was too lazy to reply his last sms, I shall oblige in err... doing whatever you call this:


AWESOME PEOPLE I WOULD WANNA MEET:

1. Nelson Mandela

2. Pope Benedict XVI (actually, doesn't matter which Pope. Just a Pope, 'cause I'm curious to know what's it like being a Pope. Like whether he really does have some special access to God or something)

3. Will Smith ('cause he's like so cool)

4. Annan Kofi (No, I don't think he's awesome, but I think he has an awesome responsibility and would like to know what kind of man carries such responsibility)

5. Saddam Hussein (Ok, he's not really awesome, but I'm curious to see what kind of man who has committed such awesome crimes against humankind)


THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:

1. Jesus. (I hate to put this as my answer, especially since it feels like a default answer as a Christian. But, I would break down and have little reason to continue without Him)

2. My glasses

3. Books

4. Sleep

5. ThinkPad


I WISH I COULD:

1. Fly

2. Sing like a songbird

3. Live by a beach

4. Relive my final year at uni

5. Be debt free for the rest of my life


I WANT:

1. A Rottweiler, a pug and a cat (that lives happily together)

2. My own apartment/house

3. To live overseas for a number of years

4. To skydive

5. To learn horseriding


SONGS THAT I THINK ARE AWESOME:

1. Home - Michael Buble

2. Amazing Grace - John Newton

3. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Harold Arlen & EY Harburg

4. In Christ Alone (The version that goes ... He is my light, my strength, my song...)

5. At The Foot of The Cross - One Hundred Hours


HOW I SEE MYSELF IN 10 YEARS:

1. Married with 2 kids and still slim... hehe

2. At the peak of my career

3. Having at least a secular masters in one hand, and dare I hope, my Masters of Christian Studies in the other

4. Coming to fruition to start fulfilling God's calling in my life (whatever that may be)

5. A little smarter


RANDOM FACTS:

1. I'm so lazy that I work late in the office because I am too lazy to pack up and drive home.

2. I prefer the forest/land because of how stable and controlled the ground is under my feet. The ocean and air (ie air activities - too lazy to explain) unnerves me a bit because I can't control it.

3. I luuurve fantasy books. Lores of distant lands and powerful mages. These are the kind of books that truly exercise the power of imagination.

4. I made 2 promises to myself as a kid; when I earn my own money, I will buy my own game console and collect comics. I now own an X Box and have started my own collection of comics. My childhood dreams are fulfilled.

5. Although I allow myself to work crazy hours during the weekdays, I do not and absolutely cannot work on weekends. My Saturdays are my Sabbath days and it infuriates me, absolutely infuriates me when people try to make me work on Saturdays. My temper will really turn foul and ruin my entire weekend.


MISCONCEPTIONS:

1. I enjoy attention. Well. I don't enjoy it all the time. I quite like being a wall flower, when I can do my own things and be who I am without anyone noticing. Everytime someone who is not my immediate friends call on me, I always jump and feel guilty, as if somebody's going to find fault with me.

2. I am hardworking. Lazing would be my first choice. But I'm a workaholic because I have to work and it's not because I'm a hardworker by nature. Ask my mom.

3. I am ambitious for stature and money. I don't sacrifice myself for anything so temporary. I've got a 10-20 year goal and the learning, experience and credibility to be gained through my company is important to that. It just so happens that with it comes the stature and money. But yes, I am ambitious.

4. I am arrogant. Hehehe... ok, I admit I might seem like a snob if you don't really know me. But I am really a nice person beyond the first impressions I give! Really!

5. I am serious. Yeah, well, I can be serious I suppose. But it really depends on who I am with. There's always the playful, mischievous child I was that is ready to takeover whenever she thinks she can.


Phew... that was harder than I thought it would be! And since I'm supposed to be tagging 5 other people to do this, I tag...

1. Chan Li Yuan
2. Hanie Chu-Chu
3. Ee Von
4. Hwok Lok
5. Sivin?

You know what I feel right now? I feel listless. That's how I feel the week will be like. Numb. Tired. Going through the motion of surviving.

Last week my manager and I started our week wanting to have a go at each other's throats. This week, we started it amicably. He was very calm, and acted on some of my input I gave end of last week. He didn't react negatively when I presented my poor sales report. I couldn't even feel relieved. I just felt... numb.

My vertical manager reminded me of a call I had to join as a result of my manager thrusting additional responsibilities on my shoulders and I nearly wanted to cringe. But I still felt numb, but was still thankful when I remembered I had to see a customer, and since we agreed my priority was to sell, I escaped the call.

Numb. That's how I feel now. I don't want to go to sleep because I don't feel like it. I feel like just staring at my screen until my head grows too heavy and my body can no longer take the abuse anymore and...

Ahhh... screw it. Such a waste of time wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. Sorry folks, gotta keep moving on.

My hard disk crashed last week and it felt like a portion of my life went awry. Yes, I'm too unhealthily attached to my ThinkPad.

My manager has been making me take up more responsibilities that was previously held by my ex-Team Leader. I so wanted to say no because it'll add 30% more to my workload, but he didn't really give me much chance to say no. But I shan't say more of my angst. I've been complaining too much already.

I bought my tickets to Sydney, but I failed to take notice of the flight details when I booked it; it leaves KLIA at 5am! Which means I have to be there by 3am, Saturday! Aiks. I'll probably get someone to drop me at the airport at 12am. Just in case you're wondering what happened to my UK trip, I decided to swap locations to Aussie, because


1. Cheaper
2. Boss negotiated with me to shorten my holiday (so instead of 2 weeks, I'll be gone 10 days)
3. Spending quality time with me dahlinks Guju!


I'm slowly burning out with my job. I so badly need this break.

It's funny. I keep thinking each morning to myself, is this the day I wake up to my super hero powers and become SupaWoman? You have no idea how much my own normal mortality disappoints me when I realise my time has unfortunately not come.

But. But, I think I'm slowly awakening my super hero powers. I can actually, now read carefully, I can actually predict what my entire week will be like at the start of the week, early Monday morning!

It's true! I can actually predict whether it'll be a good week or a freaking hellish week ahead of me just like that! And true enough, Monday morning I felt it deep in my under-calcium nourished bones that it would be a bad, very bad, week.

Lo and behold.

It has been a bad, very bad, week.

Car problems, back problems, work problems... enough to make me cringe and want to sink my head deep under the covers of my blanket and sleep the rest of the week away.

And guess what? I enjoyed my week. :D

Hehehe... yes, my masochism is going strong as ever. I'm not too sure whether I strive under stress. But stress and challenges always pushes my boundaries so that it keeps expanding inch by inch. It's painful, but the pain makes me feel alive. I feel alive when I can feel my head ache from thinking too much, I feel alive when I straighten my back and feel my muscles stretching. I feel alive when I can't think from being too demoralised and because a part of my mind refuses to let the despair incapacitate me, it fights furiously to find a way out of the mess I'm in. I feel alive when I speak out against the wrongness of the situation I am in and I feel alive when I speak to people about it and hear feedback and perspectives I never looked at before. I feel alive when my mind and body lean against the chair exhausted, but yet, feel my spirit stand strong even though my body slumps limplessly.

I feel alive because a part of me flails in despair under the waves of despair and yet, another part of me refuses to give in but is defiant to stand even when the waves pulls back.

How's that for super powers?