Journey mercies

That's it. I'm too tired. I have no more energy. Somebody shoot me dead now.

Don't know what to say. Wish I had something to say. Well, there are things to say. But there are just some things I'm not ready to say. Chung chi yow hou tou yea fhan khan ngo lah! If my spelling is cacat-ed, well, that's because my pronounciation is probably out as well. :D

Siiighhhh...

Apparently I sigh too much. I think I do it at least 15 times a day. Seriously.

As I was taking a nap today, a small corner of my mind was awake and conscious. And that small corner whispered to me, isn't this nice? Everyone together under one roof... parents probably watching TV, brother playing computer games and me and my sis napping in our room.

It is nice. It's the first time in years everyone's around together. Sis has been in US for years, bro also in Canada for a good number of years. And for me...

It feels like for the first time, my heart has finally come home.

Either I'm well read and err... a couch potato, or these people better think of more original things to say.


Shiva: I believe when you really want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it.

Me: Hey... did you quote that off Paulo Coelho's book??

Shiva: Err... yeah.

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Guju: The hearts wants what it wants.

Me: Hey! That line's from Desperate Housewives!

Guju: Heheh... yeah...

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Sam: It's hard to stay angry at someone who misses you while you sleep.

Me: Hey! That's what Calvin says when Hobbes pounces on him!

Sam: Heheh... yeah... it's my favourite comic.

If you've never had a taste of my infamous temper during my adolescent years, consider yourselves fortunate.

I have, nevertheless managed to keep it under check for a good number of years. But my dormant temper had never been so sorely tested before in the last week! And today... all hell broke loose...

Top 3 characteristics I despise (with a passion):

1. Hypocrites
2. Suck Ups
3. Condescending attitude

And today, I was so rankled by a particular colleague that I literally slammed my hand on my laptop that was lying shut in front of me, spoke rather loudly and sharply (close to shouting) at my colleague in front of a number of people, and walked out on the meeting. I didn't lash out at him to lose steam just to feel good at releasing tension at someone. I literally snapped and could not control all the pent up frustrations at this person that I had been trying to suppress for the last three months.

I went down and immediately went to my Team Leader and told him what happened, and when another senior came in, I was calm enough to feel slightly bad, and so asked both their opinions whether I should have handled it differently. Both of them snorted and told me that they would have done the same thing and probably said worse things.

I've been complaining the whole day (and week)... and it isn't the whining type. It is a serious disease that I've found is very prevalent and sickening since I've joined my BU. It's simply disgusting.

Aiyoyo... I seriously miss the time we shared!

Sniff... thank God I have Ah Chan, Stephanie, Cyn and Tricia. What would I do without you guys man.

While I was on the train towards KL International Airport to fly to Penang on Wednesday night, I had some time to think. And I was thinking about how I've made some decisions in the last year that I had not regretted from the moment I made and acted on those decisions. For a long time, my philosophy was this - that the moment I make a decision, I resolve never to regret the decision, which has made me careful in considering my actions before I act upon it.

And that made me wonder, have I really made any decision I had never regretted before?

Since I've been feeling a little melancholy about UK lately, I was asking God whether I had made the right decision when I decided to come back to Malaysia instead of trying to stay in UK.
And nearly immediately, I was brought to a realization, I had never made a decision whether or not to stay in UK or to return to Malaysia. At that time when I stood in that crossroad, the only decision I made was to follow wherever God led me. And God led me back to Malaysia.

I may have regretted not being able to prolong the joy that I had shared with the people in UK, but I have never regretted following Jesus back to Malaysia. There seems to be more downs than ups, but for some reason, all the downs felt like ups.


I miss...

Walking through the empty streets at night and feeling the cold wind caressing my cheeks.

Having dinner with Lou and sharing with each other the things we love about God.

Hanging around Garthheads and staying over at Yvonne or Tricia's room.

Friday Chinese Fellowship meetings and having supper after in McD's or Chinatown.

Evening service at JPC and chatting with people during student supper.

Lying on the grass in Heaton Park during brilliant summer evenings.

Inviting myself to Ash's room for a cuppa tea.

Dinner at Hui Min's place.

The Jesmond girls and the Fenham Boys.

The birthday celebrations.

Welson, Silitonga, Mickey, Hui Min, Ming, Ramzi, Ian, Ash, D, Lou, Dunk, Joe, Sharon, Carla, Phil, Pastor Desmond, Carrie...


Update:
Arrrrghh!!! Chan Li Yuan!!! I wrote this before I read your blog!!! Now I feel worse!!! I feel like strangling Mr Apple now! Call himself friend... never share good news also! :P Sniff... now I really miss Newcastle!

For the first time since I took up this role in the Company, my controlled facade of cool strength rippled. For the first time, tears of frustration welled up.

It's my 24th birthday today as well. And I enjoyed it.

No, not because of my masochism. But it was because as I stared at my red face from trying to stop the tears falling when I was fighting to regain my composure in the privacy of the toilet, I realised, hey, this isn't so bad after all. And you know what, it really isn't.

And the realization that I am taking things in stride better these days and though I'm frustrated, I'm not broken. Though I feel bone weary, I'm not near giving up yet, because I know that I can see this through. And though I want to cry, I know in my heart there's still joy.

And I know that I've come far. For the first time for more than a year struggling in my climb on this huge mountain Jesus set me on, I can finally see the distance I've covered. For all the tears, sweat and grime, it feels like we finally took a break from climbing, and from seeing the progress we've made for the first time, I can only hug Jesus in relief.

And I feel amazed, because I don't see Jesus in a spotlessly clean linen, but I see Him just as sweaty and as grimy, because He climbed this mountain with me.

I don't know how to put it in words. It's not the conventional birthday gift. But Jesus reminded me of my journey with Him. And that's just so typical of Jesus' gifts to me, and so typically beautiful.

How am I you ask? More or less done filtering through my feelings somewhat.

Last month, my team leader (TL) declared in front of everyone at the lunch table, addressing me:

"At the rate you're going, I don't think you'll last long in your job."

Ouch? Naw... I kinda expected that the first few months will be tough and I'll make some pretty big mistakes. So I kept telling myself that they may not respect me now but they darn well will one day. I rather die trying than to give up.

Yesterday I asked my TL how my progress was now that I'm in my third month on the role and feeling a little more comfortable. And he answered simply and frankly, Good. I wasn't annoyed at him for saying what he said last month to me, because I've come to know him as an honest person who speaks his mind not caring whether the person likes it or not. I took what he said last month as an honest assessment, and I know what he told me yesterday was just as honest and it spoke volumes.

The last two months was an uphill battle. The learning curve is less steep now, but nonetheless enough to give me a hell of a time. It's getting to the point that I no longer have to work my ass off to gain people's trust in me. It's getting to the point that I have to work my ass off to gain people's respect. Most importantly, my own.

If you ask me the one thing I learnt in the last two months, I would have to say I've learnt how to talk confidently. No, not bluff, but being new in the business with little experience and much less knowledge, I had to learn how to portray an image of one who knows what she's doing. Not easy babes. Not easy at all.

But I've learnt to shut up if I'm not certain, and blanko out any expression from my face so that people can't tell whether I'm lying or not. And when in doubt, just remain as quiet as possible and if I have to speak, speak slowly to give more time for my head to come up with something rational. And if I reallllly don't know the answer, maintain the blanko face and wait until someone else talks and then focus my attention on them as if the person wasn't expecting me to say something. When you choose your moments, it works.

And if all else fails... just flash a brilliant smile and tell them, "Good question! Let me confirm with someone on that first, just to be sure!" Make a quick check with someone and turn back to the person and say, "Just as I thought, it is ... and ..."

One morning, the customer called me up for a last minute meeting. My technical guy and account manager, both much more experienced men, couldn't make it for the meeting, so I had to go. As I drove to the office I was nearly hyperventilating, and calling my colleague to prep me up for the meeting because they said they wanted some technical clarifications.

During the meeting, I was trying to remain as invisible as I could to everyone else in the room. But I couldn't avoid for too long and so when the customer asked me specifically on something, I had to speak up though I had no idea what in the world I was supposed to conclude with. And there they were, five men with many years of experience in the industry, focusing intently on me as I tried to sound like I knew something. Seeing all their faces focusing on me nearly broke my composure.

They could have been just polite and gave me some leeway for being new to everything, but after the meeting, one of my partners commented that I had a 'streetsmart' air about me and that I bore myself well. While my account manager informed me that when he told the customer of my real age on a separate occasion after the meeting, the customer was pretty impressed because he thought the way I carried myself I seemed to be a great deal older. Phew... survived... for now!

So how am I really? I'll survive. I'm a fighter, remember?

I went shopping today and bought a whole new outfit. Thanks to Guju and Ee Von, my budget for clothes has increased. It's because of them that I've been a lot more spoilt now when it comes to clothing. Interestingly my colleagues have commented that I seem to be dressing very well lately and that since I joined my new BU, I've been looking prettier. Well, can't be helped. I've to meet customers now and my female peers dress well, so have to keep up with them.

I was also giving my mom some money for the month and repaying her for some money overdue, but she said I gave her extra and gave the extra back. And then after that, I told her I better give her more from now on, so she can help do the saving for me, since I know she'll be worst than the most conservative CFO. The only time she'll let me withdraw the money is either when it's for worthwhile investment or to save a life. Her hand shot out the moment I said that, to snatch back the extra money I was holding in my hand.

Heh... whenever I try to give my dad some money each month, he'll keep on telling me it's ok, it's all right. But if I'm late giving the money to my mom, she'll call me up at my mobile during the day to remind me that I'm late. But I know she's making sure I give her the money so she can just save it to one day give it back to me anyway. I think my dad has since learnt his lesson since I've not been giving him money for the last few months, so my mom tells me.

In the last 48 hours, I've only slept 4 hours.

BUT...

I'm not gonna complain or whine about work! I think I've done enough of that.

So, I shall talk about something more interesting...

...

...

Darn. I'm going nowhere with my life. Let's hope the tortoise will one day finish ahead of the rabbit, or that the ant will get to sleep luxuriously one day while the grasshopper, well, hops.

No, not done filtering my feelings yet. It nearly brought a tear to my eye when Tricia sent a link to this song, reminding me of the beautiful memories we shared in UK. She reminded me when I chose this song when I led worship in one of the NCCF meetings. She reminded me why I love her, because I think among all, she's probably the one who knows how much this song means to me.

There are many things I've forgotten.

Don't ask me how I am. I won't know how to answer you. I'm still filtering.