Journey mercies

I met up with a friend for lunch today, despite my manager calling me several times and each time indirectly telling me she wanted me back into the office pronto. I resisted the temptation to call my friend up to cancel the lunch appointment, but since I've been telling myself about how I should give a balance focus on relationships I felt it was just the time for me to make the difficult decisions.

I'm glad I kept the lunch appointment and as the friend would say, there are no accidents, are there?

It was an opportune encounter. This friend reminded me yet again the rawness of how God is in control of everything and nothing happens by coincidence.

With the thoughts that has been swirling in my head lately and from the conversation I had during lunch, it feels like God is nudging me to get back into the thick of the Christian community after drifting in and out of it in the last 3 years.

I have been mulling through a lot of thoughts in the last few weeks and it's been good.

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I miss Anastasia. She is such an absolute darling. Not sure how come I managed to develop such a strong attachment to her since I've only seen her twice. But her dad keeps me informed about her progress and I feel a keen regret that I don't stay closer to her parents so I can visit her more often. When her dad told me she took 5 steps a month back, I went AwWwWwww...

Then last Sunday night her dad told me she can now walk! She is suuuuchhhh a darling okaaay! Twice during conversations with her dad, when her dad laughed, she laughed along at the background. And just to prove what a darling she is, her dad told me she was burning with quite a high fever last night but she was still laughing on the way to the clinic today and doing her usual terrorising. She is so super active her dad calls her a 'mini TNB generator'.

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I've been trying really hard to start making difficult decisions and say no to work when it comes to balancing things. But it's so darn hard! When people start saying, "Please send me the file tonight. No matter how late. But I need it tonight."

And, "We need this resolved and we need it done now or else we (insert some terrible consequences)!"

Oh yes, I'm really indispensable. The company will fall apart without me. I am so important that I make their world go spinning*.



*If this is not sarcasm I don't know what is.

He he he...

I came home and passed my dad on my way to the living room and I saw him wear a new maroon boxers my sister bought which size was 3x too large for him (and my father's not thin k) and it flared out like a mushroom and I could not help but burst out laughing at him!!

Later, as I was watching TV while having some taufu fah, he came back into the living room and then he asked me something. So I turned my attention away from the TV to look at him and saw he had rolled up the boxer at his waist to make the boxer look smaller and I didn't hear what he was saying because I started laughing so hard tears were rolling from my eyes and he quickly unrolled his boxers down and said a little defensively, "Like that also you laugh."

Ahh KAKAKAKKAKAKA...

I can't help it. It was the funniest sight. Ever.

It's good being a girl at times. Despite having to bleed every month. It's nice when all you have to do is to pout a little and bat your eyes and people end up helping you even if they'd luuuurve to tell me to go fly kite.

I had to get some approvals done today and the last guy was a quiet man who generally keeps to the back end team and sits on a different floor. He has always been warm towards me when we happen to bump into each other so I was trying my luck today to see if I could get his help to get approvals done faster.

I 'happened' to be passing by, on a floor I don't usually frequent, and I 'happened' to be passing by and saw him sitting in his cubicle that was in the farthest secluded corner of the entire floor and thought I would 'just say hi' to him.

Ended up having a nice chat with him about everything under the sky except about work. He was so incredibly warm and it really touched me when he showed genuine pleasure that I took some time to talk to him. And he said he thought I seemed a little troubled earlier during the year and that if I ever needed, I could always look for him to have a one-on-one. How sweet is that? I think his warmth is partly because I remind him of his own daughters who are close to my age.

Now, how do I use my girly advantage to get more POs... hmmmmm...

So there we were, he was deep in his passionate speech to run the final mile. We didn't even have the strength to say a bitter nice try.

Finally he asked for one of us to respond to him tomorrow and being the usually outspoken lass I am, I was trying hard to send him a telepathic message not me not me not me and trying to make myself as small as possible. And lo and behold, he turned his eyes on me and asked me with a small smile whether I would have that honour.

Upon my fantastically contrived pained look, another outspoken lad said enthusiastically, that'll be great!

Ass.



sar·casm /ˈsɑrkæzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sahr-kaz-uhm]

-noun

1.	harsh or bitter derision or irony.

2.	a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.

A lot of times I tell myself that I need to draw a line to how much I should give myself to work. Each time I want to enforce that line I've drawn, something happens that becomes an 'exception'. So much so the exceptions become once more the rule and it is the line that I've drawn that becomes the exception.

I want to say no to the unholy hours I put into work. I do. But... but... how?!?

I tell myself that I should not care what men think of me. If they say I'm lazy, or they say I'm selfish, or they say I'm not a team player. But... but... if the line I draw means pushing everything else to someone else, is that fair?

What was once black and white to me when I was an idealistic student of life has suddenly gone into a spiral of shades of grey, blue, black, purple, indigo, maroon, yellow, etc. Maybe things are still black and white. But I confess, I'm simply not wise enough to see it.

I just got news that someone from my office in Singapore jumped off the building in suicide today. As I was telling another colleague about it, I was a little saddened by her response. That it must have taken the person a lot of 'courage' to do it, and that it must be bad for the company since he jumped off in the company's premises.

It made me wonder how desentisized are we to the pains of the world that we do not experience firsthand of? It makes me wonder how much effort do we actually put to be desentisized with pain?

Some of us try to immerse in distractions so they can ignore pain, some wallow in self-pity, some simply won't speak of it as if speaking it gives it life, some speak of it too much in hopes that sharing it lessens its burdens. Some choose to ignore it in belief that by choosing to look at the happier things of the world it gives pain less credence. Some lash out in anger that perhaps by inflicting pain on others it lessens their own. Or justifies it.

Does swallowing tears make the pain disappear, or does letting it flow release it to run its course and be done with it?

It isn't the death of a colleague that saddens me. It is the heartbreaking hopelessness that he must have felt that led to his decision to jump.

Maybe if we were all a little braver to taste more deeply the bitterness of pain, we would do more to lessen the world of it.

I'm not sure I know where home is anymore. A passing memory, a familiar scent, a quiet evening, and it threatens tears yet again. I'm supposed to trust, but I'm not sure how long more or whether has it always been simply misplaced trust? I'm not quite sure anymore.

It's allllll starting... opening ceremony was with the family at a Korean restaurant in Desa Hartamas. I can feel it, I can feel all the fat conglomerating in my body... And tomorrow afternoon my new (and nice) manager is treating the entire team to a Christmas lunch. Wednesday I heard there may be a BU dinner and then there's lunch and dinner throughout the next Saturday till Christmas day.

The worse part of it all is when Christmas is over, then there's New Year celebrations. Soon after that it'll be Chinese New Year. What a stressful period.

You know it's going to be a mad week when you've already started working on Sunday. I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't taking two days off to go to Singapore for my cousin's wedding.

Mom left last night by bus so she could get 2 working days in Singapore during her time there. What a workaholic. That's where Pot got her blackness from. I couldn't afford to take an extra day off so I'm leaving tonight.

But good news is, since there wasn't any return bus tickets to be bought, daddy is driving! Yay! So I get to go and come back in comfort and don't have the stress of rushing to not miss bus and stressing dad out by forgetting to bring passport. He he.

I couldn't believe my ears when mom and I were discussing plans to Singapore. Not only did she offer to give me SGD 120 to spend, she also suggested I spend Thursday shopping while she worked before we head home.

First of all, even when I was a student working part-time it was hard to borrow money from her. Now that I'm a working adult she's offering me money?!? Second, she has always complained about my shopping habits and now she's encouraging me to shop?!?

I think my mom has given up trying to change some of the bad habits I've firmly formed in the last three years of being an adult. She's given up on me ironing and keeping the clothes on a regular basis and my shopping habits. He he.

I'm not very happy. My father took my jagung (corn). I got my mom to buy it for me from pasar malam (night market) and I was craving it for hours and rushed home just to sink my teeth in it. But when I got back I couldn't find it anywhere until I finally looked into the bin and there it was, the emptied cob.

Sniff.

I hate to let a craving go unsatisfied.

I have never been so pissed so many times this week by certain people in the office since Monday morning. I am angry. Not annoyed, not frustrated, not fed up, but ANGRY.

Really truly absolutely.

My temper snapped today and I was very close to shouting at the person. I slammed my computer shut, saw him flinch, said some things very loudly and angrily, he remained sullenly silent. I was so angry I was shaking and I was tempted to speak scathing words as I was already past caring about his position, but somehow managed to control my words. I regret not having said the words meant to insult him but glad I did not.

It somehow reminded me of how I wanted to get into a catfight with Ee Von in Form 3? During Physical Education when we were playing netball. I wanted to lunge at her, but Sue who knew my temper held me back. I calmed, Ee Von said something again and I lunged a second time to have Sue and our PE teacher hold me back the second time. He he.

I would have gladly verbally lunged at this person but for some reason, divine I hope and wonder, miraculously held back.

I want to say I hate him, but I can't. I want to say I pity him but I can't either. I want to say may he rot in hell but I can't find it in my heart to mean it. I want to curse him, but I can't. I want to pull every white strand of hair out of his head and give him a shove at his ass so he would fall into mud face first. That I want to. But maybe because it is such a ridiculous thing that can't possibly happen so I feel safe enough to indulge in that thought.

But honestly, I can't give up believing he will one day change. Each and everyone of us have that capacity to turn away from our biggest flaws till the day we draw our last breath. I know my own flaws, I know how at one point of my life I was unbearable. And yet, God did not give up on me. I only wished some people did not give up on me either, but in their hearts they did. I would think myself a poor reflection as a sinner who had found grace, if I condemned another person to be less worthy of that same grace I found.




I wish I could hold on to my anger longer. But I just feel God taking it away and reminding me I had revoked my right to it a long time ago. No, I am not angry at this person anymore. I am still indignant of his attitude towards me this week and maybe a little frustrated. But even more above everything else, I feel drained emotionally, yet again, for the fourth day in a row.

I have no idea why, but work exhausted me today. I think partly is due to the fact that they announced that I've already achieved my quota for the year, thus eligible for the recognition event next year. When not many people knew, I was able to just continue my day as usual.

But since they announced, it's been a little emotionally draining. People congratulate me, and I have to measure how I respond to them. Not too much lest they think I'm arrogant, not too little that they think I'm also arrogant. Either way, everyone thinks I'm arrogant. If I walk to the pantry and smile at people they think I am carefree and have no more work now that I've met my quota and if I simply look down and try to be as unobtrusive as I possibly can to lay low they think I'm too arrogant to even bother with them.

Wooookaaayy... triggering a deep well of frustrations there!

Heck, I'm not bothered whether or not I get to the recognition event. I may not even go. And so what if I've achieved my quota, I know I don't deserve full credit. I know my efforts I've put into my work, and I know how effective half those measures are. If it were not the grace shown to me by God, I would not have even survived Q2 of this year. I know how close I was to breaking down and giving up, but I also know how from the verge of falling off that cliff God pulled me back up to give me just enough strength to face each day. No, I am not gloating and basking in any glory. I am merely breathing with relief that the nightmare is over for this year, and I have no wish to stress myself out anymore than I need to. And I will not measure myself to man's standards and I will not seek more man's approval by trying to achieve more than I already have. I have fulfilled my responsibility to the company that has hired me, and I will do no more than that.

Damn it, but I'm frustrated so excuse my language at the same time. I get hit at for achieving my numbers and I would still have got hit at even if I don't. What the hell do some people want from me.

Despite all that, I do admit that I do come across as arrogant at times and it is because I can be arrogant at times. I suppose it's just frustrating when I'm trying hard not to be arrogant people still misconstrue those attempts as being arrogant. Actually, that's not fully the case. My frustrations is due to some very specific incidents that has angered me at a very personal level.

And what annoys me even more is that it has caused me to vest so much negative energy over it, draining me from focusing more on work. Yes, I still work. The only advantage I have on achieving my quota early is that I have more time to focus on getting a headstart on next year.

Sigh... *Focus on positive thoughts*... I was having a conversation with someone and either the person I was talking to or maybe it was myself, mentioned that I can come across as arrogant, and Tricia immediately added despite that I also have a tender heart. Of all people, she had really come face to face with the fullness of my arrogance in our first encounter. So when she said that, I was really grateful that I have her as one of my best buddies. Not because she thinks I have a tender heart, but because she knows me for my weaknesses and yet also my strengths. Not just because she simply accepts me, but for understanding me.

I was thinking about the friends I have last night, and I found myself thanking God for them. Especially for those that I can say is special to me and I know I am special to them. For my Newcastle buddies and for Gurjeet who is the most important person in my life in the friends department, and I know I am also the most important person in her life the same way. There is a beauty in that. To have that absolute surety of a person's love. And likewise with Ee Von, it is a different friendship than that I share with Guju, but one no less special. Of all, she may be the only one who knows my heart the most, even more than Guju. For most people, I show only certain aspects of my life, but she knows and understands most of the tensions and turmoils in me that can otherwise confuse others. No one knows more of the darker side of me than she does, and no one loves me more despite that and for everything else.

I would like to say I don't care about what people think about me, but truth be told, there are days when I am susceptible. And when those days hit, I feel the brunt of it all. It is those days when I drop my shield (Eph 4:16) and I get confused by the babble of voices around me. Worse is when I add my own voice to the babble.

I thank God for the love of a few people in my life, because it has blessed me so richly, much more than approvals of hundred people.

My regret is that I've let my anger and frustrations overwhelm me so much today that it made me fester like an ugly boil. I spoke against people today and my careless talk made me malicious as well. Now I'm even more annoyed at some people for making me to lose my already thin layer of self-control.

Last night, Yvonne and I were invited to be part of Fi's surprise birthday party. Both of us were to drive to Fi's place, and get into her kai jie's (godsister) car, car and remain mute. That's because Jane and Elaine had blindfolded her and we were not to let her know we were in the car together.

Hehe... anyway, Fi's surprise reminded very much of the surprise farewell party Ee Von organised for me before I left for UK! She took me to the Bangsar pasar malam (night market), when it was still held on Saturday evenings and not Sunday... how long ago was that?! She treated me to ice-cream and then blindfolded me and she drove me through many turns and bends until I felt sick. But what made me wanted to laugh in the car was when either Elaine or Jane burst out asking Fiona why in the world she was talking so much!

She was constantly chatting away (or rather, complaining) as she was blindfolded. And I think this was exactly what Ee Von asked me as well, because when I was blindfolded, I was talking constantly as well! I think there's something when you suffer a loss of sight, the sound of your voice compensates with the... extra emptiness!

Anyway, Fi definitely did not know we were in the car because halfway through she started to sing a song! But since she is one of the most easily embarassed person I know, I shan't say what song she sang, just that it nearly made me and Yvonne burst out laughing. Lucky Jane was prepared. She passed us a pillow to choke ourselves in silent laughter.

Hehe... and the other thing that really made me want to laugh was, as two of Fi's friends were leading her to one of her friend's house, she was loudly declaring that she did not trust Jane. Because of her, she knocked her head twice.




VERY similar to my own words, when Ee Von was leading me out of the car, being blindfolded the second time by her, she asked me if I trusted her. I replied with a resounding NO. Because the first time she blindfolded me, she and some guys were dragging me to her pool and in that attempt, I knocked my head against steel railings which went off with a loud, "Ke-DONG!!!!"

A pastor from Philippines joined us that night. It was my first time meeting him and he seemed like a very sweet, gentle and polite man. But the next day, when I was saying goodbye to him as he was due to return to Philippines, that same sweet, gentle and polite man could not help laughing as he told me the sound of the loud "Ke-DONG!!!" was still in his head! ALL because of EEVON CHUNG. Yes, you! It was your idea to blindfold and throw me in the pool, RIGHT?!

So did I trust her?! Hell NO!

*Breath in, breath out*

I still find myself sooo emotional about what happened 4 years ago. Well, I wouldn't have been, if Fi's surprise party didn't stir up so much memories.

But... Ee Von was really very sweet in organising the surprise for me. She was brilliant. She took me through many turns and bends and got me quite car sick. It was actually because I know Bangsar so well, I could quite accurately tell where she was driving to, and she quickly improvised by turning into an area which can be a bit of a maze for those not familiar with the area. And as she was holding my hand leading me and asking me if I trusted her and me saying no, she unveiled my eyes to see a bunch of friends all standing at the entrance of MY HOUSE. Now that, was definitely a surprise I never imagined and the best one I ever had.

Hehe... actually, the only one I had, but it was definitely great. :P

Yesterday I was feeling quite a bit melancholy for some reason actually. I found myself immersed in thoughts and memories. Of when I was a child staying with my grandparents, in particular sitting at the backseat while my grandfather drove me and my grandmother to his textile shop.

Of... well, actually, despite all the swirling memories in my head, I thought of that picture the clearest. Or maybe of my grandfather the most anyway. I remembered how my grandfather once teased me while we waited for my grandmother to join us in the car, about how he should find a new girlfriend, and I jumped from my seat and shouted at him quite loudly no, that he could only have my grandmother.

I think I also remembered of moments when I was in college, and when I was in university. But I can't remember now. But I do remember how a thought floated into my head in the midst of reminiscense, that I'm not quite sure how the different times of my life is to shape who I am today. Although, I definitely do not suffer from the lack of identity as acutely as I did when I was in high school.

I think maybe the thought came about because of how I feel I'm standing suspended between where I was and where I am headed. Yes, now I recall. Yesterday, I yet again fidgeted, as I waited for God to reveal the next part of His plans for me.

I find that I had been a lot more opened about my life in my old blog, but I'm not going to link it. For those who've read it before, it's nice that you've shared that bit of me. For those who don't know it, I think I'll leave it as that. Heheh... I woulda kept the old entries and deleted the blog, but I forgot my password, so can't delete. :P

Anyway, there were some pretty meaningful entries there that has stuck to my heart till today.

Here's a cut and paste excerpt for context to my thoughts,


"From those thoughts it led me to the image of myself as a wild horse, caught and brought into God's stable. And in order for God to ride me, my spirit had to be broken in order to submit to my new Master. I saw myself as one that was spirited, proud, strong-willed, possessive, and if any were to come too close to me where I think would either be a threat, or trying to bridle me, I would nip and at times, not all too gently.

I still buck, kick and nip, but I suspect that after seven years of being in the Master's stable, I've been broken enough that my Master has already begun to put the bridle over my mouth. Reflecting on the last few weeks, I suddenly realize that my Master had been trying all this while to teach me to calm down and be still before Him, before He begins to lead me. I had been snorting, pawing the ground, and rearing my head to the left and right, but I finally noticed my Master standing quiet and still beside me, holding the reins firmly, with His steady hands all this while, waiting for me. I suspect He often uses this lesson, and perhaps it is one of the harder lessons to learn.

I think I'm beginning to understand that only until I learn to obey and be absolutely still before my Master, will He ride me, first at a slow trot, and when I've learned to be content in that slow trot, will He allow me to gallop, and when I'm finally ready, my Master will began to ride me through valleys, mountains and deserts at a maddening pace, filled with wild exhilaration and exuberance, so fast that it would seem as if we flew.

I'm beginning to understand the wild possibilities that I can achieve if I can only get this first lesson right; to obey my Master without hesitation and question, even if I cannot see the road that He is leading me through."


Hehe... actually, it isn't an excerpt, it's the main bulk of it!

Anyway, After 2 years writing that, I feel I'm slowly learning to stand still before my Master. I've begun to cede to Him fuller authority over my life, and I'm starting to learn to wait. But I feel the ride out in the wilds is going to start sometime soon! And at times I tremble with excitement, and I fidget even as I see my Master standing before me with the bridle in His hand smiling at me. And I feel like pawing the ground and tossing my mane with impatience as a horse would. Even now, I sense unless I'm fully contented to stop and wait and simply be in the moment with my Master will He begin to take that ride we've both been longing for.

I've been waiting for certain things to happen now and the absence of what I feel could be it makes me a little fidgety at times. But following that restlessness is the thought that presses deep into my heart, that when God begins His next move, everything falls into place like dominoes.