Journey mercies

When my mother first broke the news last Wednesday to me that my maternal grandmother passed away at a ripe old age of 89, I felt overwhelmed with emotions at losing her. Although we were never exceptionally close, she was one of those fixtures in my life I had never really expected to lose. Or at least never prepared myself to lose. She had always been there in my life that a part of me just expected her to continue being there for a long time yet.

When I went back to Taiping for the funeral, done in Taoist rituals, oddly enough, there didn't seem to be any proper avenue to express any grief there was. My extended relatives had had more time in accepting the loss as they lived closer to Taiping than my family was, as they were with my grandmother during the last days of her life here. And so they seemed, well, pretty cheerful throughout the four days of funeral ceremonies. Lots of gossiping, lots of laughing and general light heartedness. Any mourning besides during the actual burial seemed unusually awkward.

In fact, my cousins actually gambled beside my grandmother's coffin and even slept beside the coffin when more relatives joined us the night before the burial and the prime sleeping spots were taken up by the older relatives.

You would think that would be creepy, but it was in a way, actually pretty sweet. Because for one, my grandmother was a pretty decent gambler when she was alive, and I remember she taught us a good number of fun card games. If her ghost had lingered on, I think she would probably have wanted to join my cousins in the card games.

It was only when I came back from Taiping when I felt the tears rising again since when I first heard of my grandmother's death. Bitter sweet tears though. It may have been a sad affair, but one I think I had gained more than I had ever expected.