Journey mercies

Christmas has come and gone... thank God. Hmm... sounds odd, doesn't it? I am, of course, thankful to God that He had sent Jesus Christ to exact His plans for mankind's salvation. I am, also thankful to God that the over-commercialization of what the world sees as 'Christmas' has come and gone.

I had grand plans for Christmas this year, and I am glad I had managed to execute the plans superbly. I planned to vegetate at home and so I slept, and slept, and slept... plus watching a bit of TV in my fruitful bid of vegetating at home.

And I did this for a few reasons.

One, to take a nice break from everything that has happened in the last 12 months. I needed to just stop, lie down, take a deep breath and just rest from everything. Sure, I took some breaks in between the 12 months, but they consisted in trips to somewhere to rest. And trips, well, can be quite stressful as well, because you have to plan the trip and your finances and balance your work so you don't leave things hanging.

And for another reason, I realised that I really didn't want to be anywhere near any church for Christmas because I was not ready to feel the aloneness that would hit me if I were to go to any church.

It's been nearly three years. If I don't sound bitter, believe me, I do feel bitter. I don't know why, but I do. Nearly three years since I've been back from UK and I have yet to settle in any church. It gets to a point when I cannot bear to 'get to know people', I cannot force anymore fake smiles like I'm genuinely interested to be in a churchful of strangers, whatmore during a period of joy, goodwill and love. And my mind starts to reel against anyone who dare to talk and smile and 'get to know me' better like they truly cared because I cannot allow myself to believe that they care at all.

But...

The irony of it all. I did go for Uncle T's, my old church's elder, Christmas lunch on Christmas day. Lunch at his house is like tradition. I know I would be meeting a lot of people from my old church and I genuinely felt excited about meeting them again and it was good, seeing them. And it was also good, knowing that they well and truly care for me.

Which then leads to the question, why did I leave my old church in the first place then? Sigh... at this point I don't know anymore. All I know is, even my old church couldn't give me a sense of belonging, even if I do love the people there. I feel like a homeless vagabond.

I spoke to Hui Min, Lou and Ashley in UK and boy, did that make me feel better and worse at the same time. It was good to talk to them and catch up just a little. Talking to them made me realise how blessed I am to have friends like them in my life because they are just so amazing. Hui Min because she is just such a fun person and it's hard not to laugh talking to her. Lou because he is one of my best guy friends and always so so encouraging to talk to him. He's one of the few who always asks 'how are you?' and means it everytime he asks it. And it's just so easy to pour my heart out to him because his words and voice always makes me feel like he's giving me a big hug.

And Ashley is probably my best guy friend (hehe, yes, it's a guy). My friendship with him seemed to have sprung unexpectedly and unknowingly. When I first met him, I seemed to have an odd impression of him being a Swede. Go figure. And I can't even remember how or why, but I visited him one day at his room in the students' accommodations at Claude Gibb Hall and he kept assuring me to feel free to visit him anytime and for some reason, I did. After many visits to his place at Claude Gibb Hall, over many cups of Earl Grey tea, and many hours of chit chatting and head bashing (he's one of those people who always knows everything and has to be right... and unfortunately, he was). An odd friendship was formed. Sigh...

And so, the three phone calls made me reminiscent of the golden year in Newcastle, which caused me to feel even more aggravated during Christmas.

But then again, I do thank God for my predicament. I do thank God that I haven't been able to settle in a church for 3 years and counting, and I do thank God that I find it hard to celebrate Christmas, and I thank God that I struggle with what I struggle with. Reason being, at least I know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence.

I have my friends, people I love with all my heart. From high school, college and university days. I belonged to a large group of friends that made the year in Newcastle a big blast, which is universally agreed that that year was the best year ever. And now I know aloneless (not loneliness, mind you, never loneliness).

I belonged to a great church, which I loved with all my heart. And now I know what it is like not to have a church to belong to.

I have known popularity, and now I know obscurity.

And so I thank God. Because if I never had this Christmas, I would never have come to a realization of God's continued goodness in my life, despite the seemingly negativity of it. At least because of these lessons, I can learn to understand people in the same predicament better, and know how to encourage them in turn.

See, I knew my plans of vegetating would be good for me.