Journey mercies

I had a long chat with one of my closest friend from the office, JY, in office last Monday. The one thing I enjoy about our friendship is that we can be honest with one another, without the fear of being judged or offended.

I don't know how we got into it, but she commented that I had a very chuen (arrogant) look. Heh... I could only grin and answer, I know!!

Nothing new there. I was distinctly aware I had that look long since I was in primary school, constantly reminded by my closest buddies from university (since most of them seemed to not like me initially because of my chuen look... but hah! They all love me now :P), have my chuen buddy in Ee Von, and got scolded a couple of times by Gurjeet for it and of course had a couple of dozen comments coming to me about it.

I'm so misjudged sometimes. All I am is shy... really!

Hmm... I seem to hear some disbelieving snorts. It's just that I never really seem to know what to say meeting strangers for the first time. Hmm... ok, no, I still hear those snorts. How about, I don't have the same energy to get-to-know strangers as I did when I was an exuberant teenager?

Ok ok... I think it had a lot to do with the saying, once bitten twice shy. I guess I do remember getting to know a lot of great people who have had special spots in my heart when I made the effort to get to know them. But I also remember a lot of people who were quite cold to my efforts and made me feel such a fool for caring. I think my capacity to open my heart to people capped when I started working as well.

I am a strong choleric when it comes to working, and when I work, I focus entirely on my work. Relationships at that point becomes secondary and I only focus on getting the work done. And it seems that only cholerics understand cholerics! I got so tired with people telling me to smile more (like how do you smile at your work when your manager is barking at you to increase your numbers?!? I don't smile when I'm trying to sort my documents out, I would look crazy ok!!) and my focus on my own work and performance got people accusing me of being too arrogant to associate with them.

*Eyes rolling*

Sheesh... the sheer amount of 'work PR' necessary to keep other people happy with me was exhausting. I learnt from my first job, if you don't want people to stab at you, don't give them the space or target to. So I withdrew and kept to only minimum friends who I knew were sincere in their friendship. And I guess from there, I just became distant and unwilling to let anyone from work to enter into my life beyond the office. People have commented at me being very quiet and even having an invisible wall barring people from me. I've found it more simple keeping professional and personal life separated.

But of course, a few special people managed to find side gates to slip in. And my conversation with JY on my cool exterior was a check and balance for me. It occurred to me for the first time that I was slipping to the other extreme with my coolness, and when I took a step back to look at myself, I did seem very chuen.

The same evening after my talk with JY, another colleague MH offered me a lift to a farewell party for one of our colleagues and he asked me whether I was usually that quiet in office. Then during the farewell party, which was a karaoke session, one of the colleagues who was there suddenly declared that the next song was my song, and to my surprise, it was 'Uptown Girl'.

It startled me to think that that was her perception of me, since my perception of myself is one of a klutz and a person who says the wrong things at the wrong time and does the wrong things at the wrong time. Three incidents with three different people reminding me of the coolness of my exterior is a little too much of coincidence, don't you think?

Ok, Lord, I get the hint. I'll try to be nicer!