Journey mercies

Before I went home from the office, I had drinks with my peers, two other guys from the management trainee batch, and another guy who was a contractor. And our topic inadvertently drifted to our work and we started comparing our managers and our work.

The BU we are all in breaks into five different teams, four of it the main tiers while the fifth one comprised of a tier that supported the main four (but less glamourous). One colleague commented once that those from our BU were considered as the superstars of the company, because the business was competitive and tough.

The interesting thing was, all of us, from myself who was considered aggresive and having the ability to speak eloquently and brimming with potential, to AT who shared the same status as 'the chosen' as it seems to be when it came to management trainees but who was part of the fifth tier, the contractor (who are unfortunately usually sidelined by the permanent personnel because of their temporary status), and finally to the one of the most popular guy around, who people were eyeing to reach the top ranks one day, felt that we were all part of the lowest rank of the food chain. And we were all sitting down there, sighing and frustrated.

Seems like I'm not the only one feeling glum and frustrated. Thank God.

The flip side of things. I'm getting to know my colleagues better. And one of them, during a recent business trip opened up and shared some pretty personal stuff. It was a surprise, but very humbling, for this colleague to share such things when I didn't know him very well. Which is the opposite of me, I find, because during the whole trip I kept the door tightly locked when it came to personal things.

But I'm finally reconciling with the fact that no matter how much I want to remain quiet about my relationship with God, it's somehow inevitable that I talk about it. Not that I'm ashamed of God and of my faith. But the memory of high school, the over-zealousness of my first love with God and the mockery of it, keeps me cautious. I don't doubt that God loved me for my love for Him and excitement then, but there is always this lingering doubt in my head that if I had been more level-headed, more wise, more mature about how I approached things. If I had only been more moderate, could it have stopped people from trying to avoid being touched by a zealousness that seemed so repugnant in its overbearingness. If I had only been more piquant than overwhelming.

So many ifs. God probably had His reasons, or maybe it was just who I was, or maybe it was meant to happen to be a reminder for the necessity to balance things.

At any rate, I find that to know me is to know of my relationship with God. It somehow always seems inevitable that someone will ask me if I am a Christian, or how did I know so-and-so, who is through the Christian circle, or about why I chose to stand by certain principles. It's in my blood, God defines me. And I am so strongly who I am because His goodness and holiness well and truly defines me.

It defines me a sinner.

Make that a sinner sitting in the lowest rung of the food chain.