Journey mercies

How am I you ask? More or less done filtering through my feelings somewhat.

Last month, my team leader (TL) declared in front of everyone at the lunch table, addressing me:

"At the rate you're going, I don't think you'll last long in your job."

Ouch? Naw... I kinda expected that the first few months will be tough and I'll make some pretty big mistakes. So I kept telling myself that they may not respect me now but they darn well will one day. I rather die trying than to give up.

Yesterday I asked my TL how my progress was now that I'm in my third month on the role and feeling a little more comfortable. And he answered simply and frankly, Good. I wasn't annoyed at him for saying what he said last month to me, because I've come to know him as an honest person who speaks his mind not caring whether the person likes it or not. I took what he said last month as an honest assessment, and I know what he told me yesterday was just as honest and it spoke volumes.

The last two months was an uphill battle. The learning curve is less steep now, but nonetheless enough to give me a hell of a time. It's getting to the point that I no longer have to work my ass off to gain people's trust in me. It's getting to the point that I have to work my ass off to gain people's respect. Most importantly, my own.

If you ask me the one thing I learnt in the last two months, I would have to say I've learnt how to talk confidently. No, not bluff, but being new in the business with little experience and much less knowledge, I had to learn how to portray an image of one who knows what she's doing. Not easy babes. Not easy at all.

But I've learnt to shut up if I'm not certain, and blanko out any expression from my face so that people can't tell whether I'm lying or not. And when in doubt, just remain as quiet as possible and if I have to speak, speak slowly to give more time for my head to come up with something rational. And if I reallllly don't know the answer, maintain the blanko face and wait until someone else talks and then focus my attention on them as if the person wasn't expecting me to say something. When you choose your moments, it works.

And if all else fails... just flash a brilliant smile and tell them, "Good question! Let me confirm with someone on that first, just to be sure!" Make a quick check with someone and turn back to the person and say, "Just as I thought, it is ... and ..."

One morning, the customer called me up for a last minute meeting. My technical guy and account manager, both much more experienced men, couldn't make it for the meeting, so I had to go. As I drove to the office I was nearly hyperventilating, and calling my colleague to prep me up for the meeting because they said they wanted some technical clarifications.

During the meeting, I was trying to remain as invisible as I could to everyone else in the room. But I couldn't avoid for too long and so when the customer asked me specifically on something, I had to speak up though I had no idea what in the world I was supposed to conclude with. And there they were, five men with many years of experience in the industry, focusing intently on me as I tried to sound like I knew something. Seeing all their faces focusing on me nearly broke my composure.

They could have been just polite and gave me some leeway for being new to everything, but after the meeting, one of my partners commented that I had a 'streetsmart' air about me and that I bore myself well. While my account manager informed me that when he told the customer of my real age on a separate occasion after the meeting, the customer was pretty impressed because he thought the way I carried myself I seemed to be a great deal older. Phew... survived... for now!

So how am I really? I'll survive. I'm a fighter, remember?