The Master's masterpiece 

When Pastor D said he saw pain in my return to Malaysia, he was mistaken. He mentioned a year, but it's been three years, and I still feel much pain. For the last four weeks back to the community of God in BLC, I've not been short of tears. Today, as I was sang songs of praise and worship, a flash of memory of another time and place came unbidden and it nearly broke my composure.


If God knew the number of tears I've shed, why doesn't He dry them?

If God knew the pain in my heart, why doesn't He heal me?

If God heard my cries, why doesn't He answer?


There are times when I do feel angry at God. In the times when I'm weakest emotionally, mentally and physically, I find it hard to keep myself from accusing Him. Three and a half years ago, I lay in bed suffering from the worst bout of illness I ever had in my life, I screamed at Him for not removing the pain. I told Him I hated Him, in a bid to hurt Him with my words as much as I hurt physically.

I can't bring myself to hurt my Father as I did three and a half years ago. But sometimes, really, can You get on with whatever plans You have?! I do get quite impatient sometimes. -_-"

But despite the impatience and frustrations, I know my accusations at Him is not completely true. Though I feel He is slow in revealing His plans or slow in answering my prayers, it could be that they're just in queue among my many other prayers. Seems the prayer to change me, and other prayers like refine me is taking a longer time than suspected.

Maybe the last three years was me going through the process of refinement. As the silver needs to be melted in the fire, and so my own process of refinement is no easier. It'll be interesting to say the least to see what God is shaping me to be.
so writes ee @ 2:21 PM