Just thinking about going back to UK is stirring up so much memories. I would like to think it was the best year of my life. But you know, ever since finding God, each year is better than the one before. Even the last 3 years.
In the last few weeks, I found a friendship in a colleague that I've been enjoying more and more. Maybe it's because we're alike in ways that makes us feel safe with each other. I think we're both guarded, with certain parts of our lives kept hidden. The last time I felt this safe with a guy was with Ashley, and I wonder if I'll ever share that same bond I had with Ashley with another guy. His friendship was one of the most treasured memories I had of UK.
But UK was such a blessed, blessed time for so many other reasons. Sigh...
Right. Now I'm in a melancholic mood again. Shoots. Anyway, came online and found Ms Patricia online, first time chatting with her after for sooooooooo long! I think I see Hui Min more often than I do seeing her! And Hui Min lives all the way in UK while Pat is like in Kelana Jaya. We talked about UK, and something she said struck me. She commented that perhaps the reason why we miss UK so much is because we left too sudden a manner.
And maybe that's the key to everything, to why I've never been able to let go of it, to why I could never really move on from it, because I was never ready to move on or was allowed to be ready. Whatever the reason, I still blame God for my predicament. Bear in mind I say this in the most affectionate of manners. I love Him to bits and I know all things work for the good of those who love and are called according to His will. But seriously, this problem of not letting go doesn't have to persist for so long right?!?
There's a question that someone once asked me. If you were to close your eyes, what is the happiest memory that comes to your mind?
My answer was when I stood outside my church, during the Youth Fellowship days, and this big sized guy came and wrapped his arms around and held me tight for a few moments. I never felt so loved and safe before.
UK was somewhat like that. It felt like God hugged me and held me safe in His arms before He released me.
And now I'm in this big big world, which feels cold and harsh. People see me as capable with the ability to succeed. I'm not sure how long I will last in this world before I either give up and crumble under the pressures or when my heart grows cold and callous in a bid to protect itself. Sometimes I feel like a prodigal daughter. I want to run home, but I can't. Not yet. Whatever His reasons are for me to be where I am today, I must trust it is good.
Thoughts, so much of it
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