Since Dr Lou finally finalized his wedding dates, I can now safely confirm my flights back to UK in August, to witness his wedding with Apple. I've waited quite a while, to go back there and to revisit all the places and people I fell in love with.
You would think I would be thrilled to bits. In some ways, I am. In some ways, I also feel fear and sadness. I've dreamt of going back, if not for good, at least for a good number of years, for 3 years now. Early this year, I was really really hung up about going back.
But one Sunday 2 months ago, God pointed out how I've made going back to UK an idol in my heart. And that Sunday I made the conscious decision to release what did not belong to me. It's only been 2 months, yet it feels so much longer. And today, I actually find myself wondering whether I should go back to UK or not in August. I could use the money to save up to get myself my own pad.
But I think it's important for me to go back. I think I need to get some closure. I'm quite tired of wanting. I just want to be content with wherever I am and whatever I'm doing and move forward.
I'm not sure yet whether the dream of going back to UK is fading because it's God's will for me to be here, or because I've given up on it, or because I'm just fed up and want to start moving on with my life. I think I'll have a better idea when I head back there in August.
I feel fear and sadness because it feels I'm losing something I love and I'm afraid of losing it completely. I still feel confused, so won't try to articulate it too much.
For what it's worth, I sense I'm swimming in shallower grounds and I am passing more trees in my journey. I suspect I've not yet reached my destination though, and it feels like I would soon. Oh dear, this is all throwing me into a deep melancholy.
Wanting a closure
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