Journey mercies

Do you know, the moment I published the last post, I burst out crying? And I still can't stop crying! But it's like how one would cry after you finished a grueling race and you just can't help but cry in relief. It's like how you watch a really happy ending of a show and you can't stop bawling.

And it's like how you finished a very difficult period of your life and you feel so grateful to God for everything. It's exactly that.

When I left for UK for my final year in university, I had a lot of free time as a student, and I would spend hours on the computer writing emails. Some personal mails to friends and a lot to a mass emailing group about the things I was experiencing in UK.

And these emails detailing my experiences was very, very precious to me. I wished I kept those emails.

I only spent a year in UK, while my brother and my sister spent years in Canada and US. At first, I felt a little shortchanged because of that. But after that one year, I knew that one year was far more blessed than some people I knew who spent many years in UK. My experience with God was so intense. It was as if one week, He showed me something, and then because that was already extraordinary, you would think it would be awhile before you experience something like that again, and before you know it, you experience something else within days!

It was so intense!

And I would write it all down and email my friends in Malaysia all about it. And it was through that when people slowly began to tell me that I have a way with words that challenged them and encouraged them. This year, two people told me how much my e-mails had impacted them and one of them still kept some of it in her inbox.

Ever since coming back from UK, I've been yearning to go back to the place where I had experienced that intensity. I cried and I prayed with my sisters-in-Christ from university about it earlier this year, but I don't think they truly understood that yearning. I didn't either then.

Little did I know that day when I cried and prayed with them at Hui Min's place, God was really quickening something. I don't even know what at this point, but I'm pretty sure He'll help me figure it out one of these days.

And then a few weeks back, during the midst of a conversation with a friend - I was talking to him about my views on certain things relating to Christianity, it was among the few times this year when I openly spoked about anything related to God, and he said one thing - "Just make sure that your life reflects whatever words you are speaking."

It struck me then that my life hasn't been that way for a while. And the silence is oppresive. It is oppresive. Which is why, Sunflower, kudos to you.

I called a friend right after I hung up and cried to him and I just had to confess myself to him. And I felt free. As I have not for a long while.

After crying and praying and talking, he said, my writings when I was in UK made an impact. There was so much zeal. And I had to get back to that first love.

When I published that last post on my reflections, I cried because it hit me, I'm writing again!

I'm writing of God again!!

Do you know what that means?! Well, I guess it may be hard to see the thin webs all my thoughts, memories and experiences are tied with, but it means that whatever I've been going through in the last years has finally ended. This is one of the moments where I have to keep hitting the replay button to try to understand the scene in the last three years.

But. I'm pretty sure it'll dawn on me one of these days.

And please don't dilute this milestone by questioning me about it. Just accept that it's a beautiful moment between me and God, and you may not understand it, but it's perfect. It really is.


I'm also disabling the comments function in this post, because this is such an infinitely precious moment between me and God that I rather not have anyone commenting on it. Even if I do want to share it and share the beauty of experiencing God.