Journey mercies

I have no idea why, but work exhausted me today. I think partly is due to the fact that they announced that I've already achieved my quota for the year, thus eligible for the recognition event next year. When not many people knew, I was able to just continue my day as usual.

But since they announced, it's been a little emotionally draining. People congratulate me, and I have to measure how I respond to them. Not too much lest they think I'm arrogant, not too little that they think I'm also arrogant. Either way, everyone thinks I'm arrogant. If I walk to the pantry and smile at people they think I am carefree and have no more work now that I've met my quota and if I simply look down and try to be as unobtrusive as I possibly can to lay low they think I'm too arrogant to even bother with them.

Wooookaaayy... triggering a deep well of frustrations there!

Heck, I'm not bothered whether or not I get to the recognition event. I may not even go. And so what if I've achieved my quota, I know I don't deserve full credit. I know my efforts I've put into my work, and I know how effective half those measures are. If it were not the grace shown to me by God, I would not have even survived Q2 of this year. I know how close I was to breaking down and giving up, but I also know how from the verge of falling off that cliff God pulled me back up to give me just enough strength to face each day. No, I am not gloating and basking in any glory. I am merely breathing with relief that the nightmare is over for this year, and I have no wish to stress myself out anymore than I need to. And I will not measure myself to man's standards and I will not seek more man's approval by trying to achieve more than I already have. I have fulfilled my responsibility to the company that has hired me, and I will do no more than that.

Damn it, but I'm frustrated so excuse my language at the same time. I get hit at for achieving my numbers and I would still have got hit at even if I don't. What the hell do some people want from me.

Despite all that, I do admit that I do come across as arrogant at times and it is because I can be arrogant at times. I suppose it's just frustrating when I'm trying hard not to be arrogant people still misconstrue those attempts as being arrogant. Actually, that's not fully the case. My frustrations is due to some very specific incidents that has angered me at a very personal level.

And what annoys me even more is that it has caused me to vest so much negative energy over it, draining me from focusing more on work. Yes, I still work. The only advantage I have on achieving my quota early is that I have more time to focus on getting a headstart on next year.

Sigh... *Focus on positive thoughts*... I was having a conversation with someone and either the person I was talking to or maybe it was myself, mentioned that I can come across as arrogant, and Tricia immediately added despite that I also have a tender heart. Of all people, she had really come face to face with the fullness of my arrogance in our first encounter. So when she said that, I was really grateful that I have her as one of my best buddies. Not because she thinks I have a tender heart, but because she knows me for my weaknesses and yet also my strengths. Not just because she simply accepts me, but for understanding me.

I was thinking about the friends I have last night, and I found myself thanking God for them. Especially for those that I can say is special to me and I know I am special to them. For my Newcastle buddies and for Gurjeet who is the most important person in my life in the friends department, and I know I am also the most important person in her life the same way. There is a beauty in that. To have that absolute surety of a person's love. And likewise with Ee Von, it is a different friendship than that I share with Guju, but one no less special. Of all, she may be the only one who knows my heart the most, even more than Guju. For most people, I show only certain aspects of my life, but she knows and understands most of the tensions and turmoils in me that can otherwise confuse others. No one knows more of the darker side of me than she does, and no one loves me more despite that and for everything else.

I would like to say I don't care about what people think about me, but truth be told, there are days when I am susceptible. And when those days hit, I feel the brunt of it all. It is those days when I drop my shield (Eph 4:16) and I get confused by the babble of voices around me. Worse is when I add my own voice to the babble.

I thank God for the love of a few people in my life, because it has blessed me so richly, much more than approvals of hundred people.

My regret is that I've let my anger and frustrations overwhelm me so much today that it made me fester like an ugly boil. I spoke against people today and my careless talk made me malicious as well. Now I'm even more annoyed at some people for making me to lose my already thin layer of self-control.