Journey mercies

Yesterday I was feeling quite a bit melancholy for some reason actually. I found myself immersed in thoughts and memories. Of when I was a child staying with my grandparents, in particular sitting at the backseat while my grandfather drove me and my grandmother to his textile shop.

Of... well, actually, despite all the swirling memories in my head, I thought of that picture the clearest. Or maybe of my grandfather the most anyway. I remembered how my grandfather once teased me while we waited for my grandmother to join us in the car, about how he should find a new girlfriend, and I jumped from my seat and shouted at him quite loudly no, that he could only have my grandmother.

I think I also remembered of moments when I was in college, and when I was in university. But I can't remember now. But I do remember how a thought floated into my head in the midst of reminiscense, that I'm not quite sure how the different times of my life is to shape who I am today. Although, I definitely do not suffer from the lack of identity as acutely as I did when I was in high school.

I think maybe the thought came about because of how I feel I'm standing suspended between where I was and where I am headed. Yes, now I recall. Yesterday, I yet again fidgeted, as I waited for God to reveal the next part of His plans for me.

I find that I had been a lot more opened about my life in my old blog, but I'm not going to link it. For those who've read it before, it's nice that you've shared that bit of me. For those who don't know it, I think I'll leave it as that. Heheh... I woulda kept the old entries and deleted the blog, but I forgot my password, so can't delete. :P

Anyway, there were some pretty meaningful entries there that has stuck to my heart till today.

Here's a cut and paste excerpt for context to my thoughts,


"From those thoughts it led me to the image of myself as a wild horse, caught and brought into God's stable. And in order for God to ride me, my spirit had to be broken in order to submit to my new Master. I saw myself as one that was spirited, proud, strong-willed, possessive, and if any were to come too close to me where I think would either be a threat, or trying to bridle me, I would nip and at times, not all too gently.

I still buck, kick and nip, but I suspect that after seven years of being in the Master's stable, I've been broken enough that my Master has already begun to put the bridle over my mouth. Reflecting on the last few weeks, I suddenly realize that my Master had been trying all this while to teach me to calm down and be still before Him, before He begins to lead me. I had been snorting, pawing the ground, and rearing my head to the left and right, but I finally noticed my Master standing quiet and still beside me, holding the reins firmly, with His steady hands all this while, waiting for me. I suspect He often uses this lesson, and perhaps it is one of the harder lessons to learn.

I think I'm beginning to understand that only until I learn to obey and be absolutely still before my Master, will He ride me, first at a slow trot, and when I've learned to be content in that slow trot, will He allow me to gallop, and when I'm finally ready, my Master will began to ride me through valleys, mountains and deserts at a maddening pace, filled with wild exhilaration and exuberance, so fast that it would seem as if we flew.

I'm beginning to understand the wild possibilities that I can achieve if I can only get this first lesson right; to obey my Master without hesitation and question, even if I cannot see the road that He is leading me through."


Hehe... actually, it isn't an excerpt, it's the main bulk of it!

Anyway, After 2 years writing that, I feel I'm slowly learning to stand still before my Master. I've begun to cede to Him fuller authority over my life, and I'm starting to learn to wait. But I feel the ride out in the wilds is going to start sometime soon! And at times I tremble with excitement, and I fidget even as I see my Master standing before me with the bridle in His hand smiling at me. And I feel like pawing the ground and tossing my mane with impatience as a horse would. Even now, I sense unless I'm fully contented to stop and wait and simply be in the moment with my Master will He begin to take that ride we've both been longing for.

I've been waiting for certain things to happen now and the absence of what I feel could be it makes me a little fidgety at times. But following that restlessness is the thought that presses deep into my heart, that when God begins His next move, everything falls into place like dominoes.