Journey mercies

I have never been so pissed so many times this week by certain people in the office since Monday morning. I am angry. Not annoyed, not frustrated, not fed up, but ANGRY.

Really truly absolutely.

My temper snapped today and I was very close to shouting at the person. I slammed my computer shut, saw him flinch, said some things very loudly and angrily, he remained sullenly silent. I was so angry I was shaking and I was tempted to speak scathing words as I was already past caring about his position, but somehow managed to control my words. I regret not having said the words meant to insult him but glad I did not.

It somehow reminded me of how I wanted to get into a catfight with Ee Von in Form 3? During Physical Education when we were playing netball. I wanted to lunge at her, but Sue who knew my temper held me back. I calmed, Ee Von said something again and I lunged a second time to have Sue and our PE teacher hold me back the second time. He he.

I would have gladly verbally lunged at this person but for some reason, divine I hope and wonder, miraculously held back.

I want to say I hate him, but I can't. I want to say I pity him but I can't either. I want to say may he rot in hell but I can't find it in my heart to mean it. I want to curse him, but I can't. I want to pull every white strand of hair out of his head and give him a shove at his ass so he would fall into mud face first. That I want to. But maybe because it is such a ridiculous thing that can't possibly happen so I feel safe enough to indulge in that thought.

But honestly, I can't give up believing he will one day change. Each and everyone of us have that capacity to turn away from our biggest flaws till the day we draw our last breath. I know my own flaws, I know how at one point of my life I was unbearable. And yet, God did not give up on me. I only wished some people did not give up on me either, but in their hearts they did. I would think myself a poor reflection as a sinner who had found grace, if I condemned another person to be less worthy of that same grace I found.




I wish I could hold on to my anger longer. But I just feel God taking it away and reminding me I had revoked my right to it a long time ago. No, I am not angry at this person anymore. I am still indignant of his attitude towards me this week and maybe a little frustrated. But even more above everything else, I feel drained emotionally, yet again, for the fourth day in a row.