Journey mercies

"How's John lately?" Adam asked.

Elizabeth gave a small smile as she replied that he was coping.

Adam looked at her suspiciously. "I've been watching you guys. You haven't really been calling or seeing him much have you? What's up?"

She breathed deeply and her eyes glazed as her thoughts turned towards John. "Oh, I've been seeing him. He doesn't know it, but I always see him."

Adam breathed heavily in frustration. "Woman! If this is about how John has been spending too much time in the office and neglecting you, you must know that it's because he wants to put in the effort to stabilize in his job and it isn't easy for him! It isn't like he's seeing another woman or anything. He loves you really deeply!"

Elizabeth turned her eyes to him without even flinching at his outburst. "I know, Adam."

"Then why are you distancing yourself from him?! Why are you acting so cold towards him, not calling him, not even trying to cajole him to spend time with you, not sulking at him to make him pay attention to you like any other girl would?!?"

"Because I love him Adam," she replied quietly and simply.

"I know! And that's why I don't understand! You love him. He loves you. So why do you keep away from him?!"

She looked away again to stare into space, her face serene though her eyes betrayed a hint of pain. "I love him without boundaries. My love for him consumes me. Everything that I am, is of my love for him."

"When he first started working, he would call me throughout the day to talk to me. As much as he could, he would spend as much time as he could with me despite the demands of work because he knew that work is work and nothing could be more important than the love that we share. But as the years went by and the demands of his work increased and became more ingrained as part of his life, he forgot to call me and became too tired to spend time with me."

"Liz," Adam sighed. "That may be true, but you must know it doesn't mean his love for you has lessen. He only grew less wise in managing his time."

"He was never wise in that in the first place," Elizabeth grinned.

"There you go. We know John. But if he stopped calling you, why can't you call him? Why don't you remind him how important it is to balance his life? Why do you let him drain himself away by putting everything into his work?"

She was quiet for a moment before she replied. "He so often comes home and the times he feels most frustrated he would talk to me about them because no one knows him as I do. When he sleeps, I watch him and makes sure he stays warm. He doesn't know or notices the things I do for him, but I don't mind. I love him and I know he loves me. I don't need him to prove his love. We are beyond that."

She turned her eyes to Adam and when he saw the depths of her eyes he couldn't help but feel amazed at the love he saw. "It will never be between me and another woman that he must choose, Adam. There may be times when the temptation flickers before him, but he will never choose another woman. What he must choose, is between me and his job. Between who he must pour his undivided devotion to. And I will have him choose it freely, without me influencing him with the intensity of my love lest he feel obliged to choose me."

"But he should choose you! If you influence him, and he chooses you, it is right!" Adam declared. "But besides that, I don't know why he should choose between you and his job. As you said, it's not another woman. His love for you and his responsibility to work should go hand in hand."

"I don't disagree with that. I'm not asking him to quit his job and spend all his time with me. But John needs to make decisions in his life, what is to be his utmost priority. I know he loves me. I know he wants to choose me. But he needs to make that decision independent of me. If he makes that decision because he feels obligated to the love we've shared and the sacrifices I've made for him in the past, there will always be a part of him that wonders about the what-ifs of a path he turned away from. When his peers start making the big $$$ and are rising to seats of power in the corporate world, there will be a part of him that feels a little bitter that him choosing me must be about him denying his dreams. I will not have that. If he chooses me, it must be because he has decided that I am all that he wants and needs. Choosing me doesn't mean he won't be successful in his career. But we never know where the future will take us. He needs to be sure that his decisions today will not be regretted no matter where the future takes us tomorrow."

"And if he chooses his career, his dreams? Will it not be a shame to know that you are the one who gave his love away without even a fight?"

"I have fought. You know I have. I have given everything. All that I am. That's why I had his love and I had it for a good 10 years."

"And you will give it up now?! That is what I mean by a shame that you let it go now! I know you fought! How you have fought! That's why you must continue to fight and hold his love! You know he will love you. You know he should."

"Should I?" Elizabeth's eyes were clear and piercing. "No. He knows my love without question. Now is not a time when I should fight. Now is a time for him to decide. To fight for his love is meaningless. For him to come to me freely means everything."



I never understood why God remained distant from me in the last three years until I played that dialogue in my head. I always wondered why God didn't make it easier for me by compelling me to do the things I should be doing, praying, fasting, going to church, serving, etc. I always wondered why He didn't just touch my spirit to infest it with overwhelming love as He so often did when I was a student.