Journey mercies

As I walked in, I felt a slight tinge of dread and wonder, as I always have throughout the last four years. There was also the fear. Fear of disappointment. And as always, I slink to the back, looking down intently at whatever reading material is before me, trying to be as invisible as I can. Unseen walls up, I communicate silently to people around not to come near me.

I've come to a point where I have started wondering whether I'm the 'church' type and whether I can ever find myself accepted back by any church. But knowing God's character made me push aside those doubts, because there is never a 'church' type and acceptance is by God alone.

When once I was an exuberant and excited church goer, flitting from one person to another in order to talk to everyone in church, time has changed me to be subdued and frightened of contact with 'church people'. But to explain how and why would take an entire chapter of a book by itself.

I call the last four years in Malaysia my time in a 'desert', but explaining that could take another two chapters. In those years I could never settle in a church that I could call my own. I felt I like the perpetual guest in whichever church I was with.

As I sat in the church this evening, I had to pray a near desperate plea for God to help with the growing tensions in my heart. Especially in not letting my fears shut me out yet again.

Next moment, a girl opened the door beside the pew I sat on and she sat next to me. We started chatting and a sense of comfort fell upon me. The service started and the visiting minister was introduced and as he spoke, a sense of joy filled me. And I knew from that point that I found my church. It was exactly the same feeling I had when I first stepped into JPC, my church in Newcastle. The feeling where a part of the puzzle has just fallen into place with a firm and definite *click* sound.

The next moment when we had a chance to speak again, I told Erica, the girl beside me, to introduce me to people and to tell me how I could get involved with the church. For the first time in four years, I felt myself peeking out of my shell again. There is such an immense sense of joy in that.

Then when the service ended, I turned to talk to the man on my right and began to have a very long chat with him. The message of the service was endurance in living a life with Christ. The minister gave some pretty interesting figures, one of it was that 75% of students who join the Christian Union in university would no longer be attending church after five years of graduation. I could not help but smile at that. I was quite close to being part of that stats.

My heart sang a note of thanksgiving as well, for God helping me to pull through those trying years. For Him not giving up on me even when I did.

As I spoke with Andrew, the message of the service sat very close to both our hearts. And we both heartily agreed to the immensity of the day where we will stand before the Creator of the universe for the first time, and hopefully to hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."