But I've only just got back into the swing of things today (I had jetlag problems for the first time). I'm smacked afresh with existing issues I need to work at and slowly chip away. I am very conscious of the fact that I have problems with self-confidence, insecurities and constant desire to run away in self-denial.
I feel a lot more alone in Singapore right now without the support system I've always had. At every phase of my employment, I've always had someone more senior overlooking at me in some way and mentoring, affirming and guiding me.
For the first time I feel I've been removed of that and it makes me nervous because people seem to trust that I know what needs to be done and can get it done. It's funny how everyone always seem to be more confident of me than I am of myself. It's almost habitual, to feel myself pausing and looking around for someone to tell me what whether I'm doing the right thing.
But I do sense the Lord's firm hold on my shoulder at each turn that I need to stop that, that I need to start trusting that all that He has done with me is to enable me to stand on my own two feet.
We had a company's team building event last month where we were divided into 7 groups and I was unknowingly made as one of the group leaders and the only female at that. We had to do a series of activities and I frustratingly gave up hopes on being the winner halfway through because of a shaky start. But surprisingly, there was a twist at the end that allowed us to be the overall winners.
I was gloating internally upon realizing the only female had beaten all the other group leaders. GLOAAAAATING.
It was a small eye opening event that perhaps I do discredit myself more than I ought to.
A really good afternoon spent in London with an ex-colleague also proved to be a much needed booster that I have not had for awhile. It is just so very incredibly affirming when the people you respect the most has so much confidence in you. Thank you!
So I don't have that many new year's resolution (other than the usual Exercise More item), but I should add this one - Stop over thinking and start acting.