Journey mercies

I feel with every new friend I make, the real test of whether they are willing to be my friend is when the choleric personality of mine comes to the forefront; when I shorten my conversations and emails to get to the point of the matter. They always take offence with my curtness and lack of graciousness in handling situations at some point of time.

Sometimes, not all the time, I think in my head that really, do I still need to baby people. A little more often than that, I think to myself, I have not complained about your shortcomings, why are you complaining so much about mine? Quite often I feel frustrated because I'm always having to grit my teeth and just be the one to apologize first just because my fault is always the louder, more obvious and easier to pick on.

Sometimes, I actually am glad to repel people with my bad habits just so they won't want to approach me at all. I was relieved when I could honestly confess to The Pastor's Wife that I really didn't want to make amends with an individual for fear that the person would be happy to befriend me warmly again! I have a deep fear that I will not have sustained energy to keep up with the said person's style of communication and if I pushed myself to speak in the person's language of love that is not natural to me, I would one day snap and hurt the person more. Better to establish a non-friendly friendship in order to protect the person from my temper. Yes, I am self-sacrificial that way.

(The irony of this situation was that the instigator of the problem was The Pastor, and he was the first person to also perceive the situation in its entirety. And when he gets back this weekend from his trip I'll be glaring at him and he'll be grinning gleefully.)

Someone else annoyed me today as well. I quickly had a quick chat with another girl from church to get some perspective and she reminded me of how The Pastor and The Pastor's Wife has been extremely patient with us. That made my annoyance disappear. She was right. I have annoyed The Pastor and The Pastor's Wife likewise more often than not. I had nearly 2 years of grace from them; I can extend just as much grace to the newer folks to the church group.

I'm going to have to learn to use the veteran folks from church who knows my personality well to buffer me from more sensitive newer church members.

Oh yes, I remembered having a conversation with the wonderful L girls, Hannah and Naomi, and talking about someone I got along with because we were both "mean" (because we tend to be intolerant of silly people). 13 year old Naomi looked at me with what I felt like adoring eyes, and said with such surprise, "You?? Mean???"

I utterly adore this wonderfully gentle family, and adore Naomi very much. I was humbled that they think so highly of me. This family is my unwavering flagpost of gentle, firm, Christ-like love. I do not want to lose their good opinion of me. So even if it means humiliating myself, for their love and trust in me, I think I will do so.