On Tuesday, having challenges after challenges thrown at me within a span of 3 hours, I barged into my manager's cubicle declaring that there must be an answer to everything. Even if I have to dig a grave to find it.
He amused me by listening to my problem for a while then gave me a few pointers and nudges and sent me off again to find my elusive answer.
Today I met with a senior sales person who is highly respected by those who know her in the industry and as she shared her past experience and stories, I felt more and more keenly my inadequacies, my lack of experience, my limited knowledge and anything and everything.
Later I had supper with a colleague of mine after golf classes. He has always made me a little nervous as he has such high expectations over things and people. Towards the end he addressed and pointed out the weaknesses he saw in me, which were fair and true. I have so much more years ahead of me of learning before I can come close to the level of some of the people I deeply respect.
I remember the early days of being in this industry, crying as I never have, despairing as I never want to again. Then, my team lead shook his head and said the way I was going I'll never make it. Three months later, he nodded his head with satisfaction and said I was doing fine. Seven months later I was acknowledged with a Best Individual Performance award and a clap on the back from a team member that I deserved it. The latter was far more affirming than the former.
That was six years ago. It was never a pinnacle of a career I stood on. But I think I need to avoid making the easy mistake of looking back in the past and thinking it is anything that I can stand on.
Right now I feel I'm in the beginning of a new league season, a new game, and I've nothing to stand on until I bat and score some points before I can be a player of any value. The balls are whizzing by me faster than ever, I've had a few strikes and I've gotten nowhere except a few near hits or touches that wobble and stop short before I can get anywhere near first base. I feel I just need to grit my teeth and drive all thoughts of what kind of hits I've done in the past and what kind of hits I want to do to wow people. I just need to focus on being the best that I can with all that I have right here right now.
30. Start again.