Journey mercies

Two months ago, I got a call from my other half, my partner in crime, the love-of-my-life-if-she-didn't-happen-to-be-a-girl, my whatever - Gurjeet called me from Malaysia and started the conversation with a I've-got-something-to-tell-you tone.

She started by telling me how this guy she had been getting to know brought her to show her a house he bought.

I immediately shrieked, "OHMIGOODNESS!!! Don't tell me you're getting MARRIED!?!?"

Thank goodness, no, she isn't anywhere near getting married and she was exclaiming how no one except me understood what the implications were with that simple house viewing.

Boy, was that a scare.

No, I'm not ready to lose my best friend to some strange man yet.

No, I'm not ready for my best friends to move on to a different stage in life and leave me behind.

Admittedly, there has been a few times when I've sat back to mull about what it would be like if one of us from my circle of closest friends got married. What would happen?

I have a funny suspicion that if I were the first to get married, it would put a lot of pressure on most of my closest friends. I think amongst all of them, I'm seemingly the hardest to get hitched because of perceived high standards that I have been told I have.

When I was in London, I was having a late night conversation with David B, about the people that were getting married. For a few years, the older married couples in church were at odds with the many single eligible guys and gals. Anxious to have more weddings in church, they started praying fervently (it was a pretty funny time as I remember!) for them. David B claimed he has a list of names he has been praying for and he rattled a few of it. He paused when he mentioned my name.


David B: Now you, that's a difficult one.

Me: WHAT?!? WHHHYYY??!!

David B: I have a good reason and I'll tell you why. You're going to need a very good man that is very hard to find.

Me: Aww that's sweet... but... :(


And whenever I spend time talking to my dad, he'll tell me about the girls he comes across and he thinks will be suitable for my brother and how he tries to convince them what a catch my brother is (usually by saying how financially stable he is). And then the girls will go, "But uncle... money's not everything..."

Hehe. My dad thinks they're all silly romantic idealists.

One day after hearing this same story being repeated, I asked my dad why he never introduces any guy to me.

He gives me an odd look and says, well, for you a bit harder. I never came across any guy who looked compatible for you.

Sigh. My own dad.

To be honest, sometimes I think I'm really ok being alone. Ok, that's a lie. I've just realised, the older I get the more cowardly I get. Way too many things have been scaring the daylights out of me lately. Getting older. Being alone. Not achieving financial independence. Getting sick. Not moving anywhere with my career. I've got heck of a lot of worries and fears.

Some days, my fears can be paralysing.

Some days I get really mad at God for letting me be like this.

And then, there are days, when I wake up from the fears and then admit... maybe each and every fear might come true. Maybe I'll wake up old and tired and past the prime of life and I achieved nothing. Maybe. But not one bit detracts the certainty of heaven in the least. Not one bit of my lack in this life diminishes the certainty of joy in being in the kingdom of God.

I may gain nothing in this life. But I am certain with every fibre of my heart, soul and mind that I have already gained everything in heaven because of who Christ is. And when I stand before Christ, I'm going to very quickly forget every grouse I have right now.

That being said, God gave me lots of promises for my time on earth and I'm not letting Him off on any one. I'm going to cash in on every single one of them.

Even if every fear I have comes true, I still win. So I might as well run as hard as I can, fight as fiercely as possible and make it as good a win as it possibly can.