Journey mercies

Sorry, I'm going to skip the chronological order of events in Perth and jump to my favourite part straightaway.

During this trip, the company had lined up a host of recreational events for people to do. There was deep sea fishing, sailing, the Swan Lake cruise, golf and an outback event. I had signed up for sailing which was the most popular choice because the seat allocations for it was snapped up pretty quickly. Thing was, these events were lined up for Sunday morning.

Then I met up with Lukey, who I met in Malaysia 4 years ago, before I left for UK, and he lives in Perth now. And he mentioned he was leading worship in his church and I was welcomed to visit. I was a little torn initially because it's not everyday one gets to try a hand at sailing. But I've always wanted to attend church in Australia but never got a chance to. So I decided I would go for church.

The weekend has been interesting in how I saw the little web of thoughts, events, emotions being woven in and out of my consciousness.

I slept as early as I could Saturday night, and woke up early. My roomie was talking about the recreational event I would be going to, but I felt just a slight bit of discomfort as I told her I was going to church instead. She had that small look of surprise. It reminded me too much of my secondary school days when people always looked at me weirdly because of my overzealousness for God.

During breakfast, people kept talking about the activities, and I kept telling them I was going to church, with that small sense of discomfort as well.

Went to church, had a great time. I really enjoyed myself, just by going to church and being reaffirmed yet again of God's love and grace. Was teased and laughed at by God (which shall be another story to tell one day) and had a great time having lunch with Luke and family.

Evening came and people were at the gala dinner talking about the activities of the day and people kept asking me about my day. So I kept telling them that I went to my friend's church till it came to a point that I felt bad. Bad because I talked about going to church as if I was going to visit my friend's church. But the real reason I went to church was to worship God and I wasn't declaring about God enough!

Later that Sunday night, my colleagues planned (another) bout of drinking and gambling and sorts. I did not want to join them drinking but joined them in one of their rooms anyway. But as they waited for more colleagues to join, I sat there, increasingly feeling disconnected from the people in there, and increasingly disconnected with what they were doing. They were lovely people, and very very fun, but I sat there feeling a growing sense of calm.

It was always there, but was ever subtle in its manipulation of my thoughts, the peer pressure 'to be one of the crowd', and the light pressure to 'be approved' was always there. It hid itself behind the screen that I'm at an age where peer pressure wasn't relevant, it was for teenagers and I never saw it till that night.

But I did see it that night and I didn't belong to it. Never did, never will. And baby, don't wanna either. Go screw yourself, but honey, I don't need to belong to your world, the world.

So I got up and slowly but purposefully inched myself to the door. When I was through the door I waved goodbye and despite the incredulous looks and cries of indignation for not joining them, I looked across to the eyes of one man. He saw me and he understood. He knew why I left and it was as if he stood opposite the river knowing why I stood where I was but he didn't yet want to leave where he stood.

Monday morning came and I was having breakfast, I was given another chance to give a better answer than 'went to a friend's church'. And so I answered, "I decided church was more important."

After I said that, I still felt annoyed at myself. Church was more important? Of course not. It made it look like being a Christian was about Church.

And then later, someone asked again about Sunday morning and I was glad they did, because this time I said, "I decided, God is more important. So I went to church."

Then I was satisfied.

It's not about the Bible, it's about the Author. It's not about the Church, it's about God.

I hope this is me re-learning boldness for God.

Labels: Musings