Journey mercies

Labels: Musings

These days there seems to be a more tangible sense of peace settling in my heart.

Labels: Musings

Days like this, a pleasant over-filling of joy out of nowhere and no reason is a sweet sweet surprise. It is a feeling of a child skipping with joy.

Labels: Musings

I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul

A Song of Ascents. Of David.

¹O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
²But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³O Israel, hope in the LORD
from this time forth and forevermore.

Labels: Musings

In Singapore, waiting to be given my start dates at work. In the meantime, I have to learn to enjoy my break from work. Or rather, learn to spend money without being stricken by sense of poverty just because I don't have a source of income replacing money spent.

Labels: Church tales, Friends, Musings

Was reminded that I've not been blogging lately and I think it's partly because I think it's boring not putting up any pictures so I wait until I've downloaded the pictures I've took to post them up. But of course the problem is downloading it in the first place!

Labels: Musings

Today, I felt a little torn in facing the reality that I am no longer fully Malaysian that my fellow Malaysian friends can ever understand the person I am today - with the experiences, influences and thought-process I've had to go through the last two years; and not being fully accepted by the country I am in today because I am different from them.

Whatever the Lord's reason is for me and for others going through this experience, I know it is good. We are in unique positions to achieve things people who fully identify themselves in one set of culture alone cannot achieve. It'll be interesting to see what it is when His time comes to reveal it.

Thank God Valerie is around this two weeks for holiday. We met up tonight together with another friend.

It was particularly very good to have Valerie around because she was my junior in secondary school, junior in college and junior at EyeBeeAm. I always felt a little bad helping her to get into Hell, but seems like she is surviving much better than I ever did.

To have someone so intricately weaved into my past as she is, is a real blessing and joy to have around in times when I feel just slightly bit lost.

Lost in the sense that my past is slowly ceasing to be a strong steering compass for me and I can no longer depend on it as a trusted repeatable pattern I can rely on to bet on a predicted outcome. My present is nothing like my past and my future depends too much on my present and so I feel the weight of doubt pressing on me.

"What if I make the wrong decision today, which will affect my tomorrows?" whispers Doubt.

But Hope and Faith continues to protect me. If only they can urge Boldness to stop peeking from that corner over there and join them.

I'm convinced on influencing her to resign and join me in the UK. I'll be a happy duck if she does.

Labels: Musings

How is it that life can be so busy without you really realising it?

Work has been much slower pace since my last job in Malaysia, but still no less busy! Sometimes I am dead bored and feel my will to leave sap through the cracks of slow moving time. But when I start to moan ever so slightly, I am reminded to be thankful to have a job in times like this. Especially a job outside my own home turf. God's blessing has been numerous.

It has also given me the time and energy to pick up other things. I'm again thankful for the Lord to help me sit one afternoon to decide to do different things this year, learning new skills and new hobbies and helped me to actually follow through with it though I was tempted to just forgo it and slip back to my comfortable pattern of last year's life.

I've since met new people, learned new things and have a fresh shot of adrenaline running in me! Nothing like adrenaline.

I only recently realised that I've had to contend with huge learning curves in the last 5 years, with change of jobs, new environments and new people dynamics. And last year, the learning curve slowed a bit and I was not used to it. So now that the learning curves have picked up again, I'm a much happier person!

In between classes, work, church activities (which is certainly much less and balanced!), I'm also learning to squeeze in time to read books (I've already started on my 3rd book for the year!) and even in the small minutes in between work have squeezed in some revising of lessons. I'm having an unexpectedly good start to the year that I'm quite happy.

But as always, my problem is I have poor skills on multi-tasking and relationships is once again not doing all too well. I don't spend as much time with friends anymore, and trying to squeeze in as much alone time as I can (thus more blog posts).

I'm glad that during working hours and being stuck to the computer as I do, it has allowed me to have good chats with friends across the globe, and I think that that has been feeding me with my interaction needs. I can't chat with too many people at one go, usually only person at a time, so I'm actually glad things has worked out that I chat with one of them in the mornings, another person in the afternoons, and sometimes catching some time with another person in the evenings! The three people that have been absolutely essential to my well being for the last one year plus! Without these three, I think I could be half mad by now.

Anyway, life is good! :)

Labels: Friends, Musings

Three months ago I struggled with my understanding of prayer. I understand less of it than I do 11 years ago when I followed after God. Today, give me a blank sheet of paper to write what I do understand, I'll give that blank sheet back to you as my answer.

I have learnt in the last few months to unlearn things. Habits, preconceived notions, even teachings of the Bible received in earlier days. I know less today, and yet in the same paradox, know more.

I've had so much thoughts as many people would, in the last number of days, particularly of the controversial war in Gaza. I wish I could let my opinion be heard, but admittedly the opinion is changing day by day. The voice of loudest protest the world has comes from a desire to deny God's rightful sovereignty and righteousness and my instant reaction would be to shout back louder lest they think that by the might of their voice proves the righteousness of their condemnation.

Fie!

But I sense a brand of silence, and the one message that has been repeated to me for days is 1 Peter 2:21-23 - To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

It is not just to my boiling opinions that the Gaza war has precipitated; it is also to other personal experiences that this verse has been addressing.

Jesus' closest friends betrayed Him, abandoned Him, denied Him. He was flayed, flogged, left to die, and He did not retaliate but prayed for their forgiveness. What I begin to feel, is nothing compared to the loneliness of Jesus' suffering. What I begin to suspect, is nothing compared to the eventual gloriousness of the new heaven and earth when Jesus' work is complete.

What do I know about prayer?

Nothing.

Who am I to tell God how to do His work? What do I know that I should ask for God anything, when He knows better than I do what is good for me? If I claim to trust in His goodness to provide (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 3:20) then what can I ask for in prayer except but to give thanks? For be it good or bad, there can only be days filled with joy for me (James 1:2-4).

I can no longer associate prayer as an activity of asking. I am slowly associating prayer as an activity of aligning with God's will, even if I don't understand it.

I can't pray for the Gaza war to stop. Just as I cannot pray for the suffering in Darfur to stop. I can't pray for the unrest in Nepal to be calmed, I can't pray for order in Afghanistan to be restored, I can't pray for Myanmar to be freed, I can't pray for Robert Mugabe to be struck down by lightning.

How do I pray for peace for war torn countries when whether I pray or not, it is God's intention for peace to reign in all the earth!

I can only pray for my willingness to hear and obey, to be ready to follow as God unfolds His will especially when it leads me to the valley of death.


Matthew 16:21-25 - From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.

Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!"

Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

We sometimes pray and expect God to follow our requests. But we are meant to follow Jesus. Sorry, I won't pray for the war in Gaza to stop. But I will pray that if and when I am to be used as an instrument of peace, I will obey and respond.

There will be disagreements to my opinion. There will be opinions that I am over-religious. I won't justify myself. That is God's brand of silence.

Labels: Musings

Some weeks back, I visited a church where the congregation was predominantly Chinese people, and Malaysian too. The speaker was a black guy, who I watched with a tinge of doubt when he got up to the pulpit to speak. But the moment he opened his mouth, he assumed an unexpected confident and assured mien and spoke with conviction.

He started his sermon by holding out an apple and he asked the congregation what they saw.


Congregation: Apple!

Pastor: Really? What else?

C: Err... fruit?

P: What else?

C: Food! Red apple! Creation! Nourishment! Apple seed!

P: Come on, I know you guys can do better. What do you see?

C: Apple tree!

P: Who said that!? Thank you!! Most people see this on my hand for what it is, but you saw the potential possible what this small apple had.


The pastor proceeded to continue with the rest of the sermon with a prayer. What particular stuck on my mind was that he prayed that our spiritual eyes may be opened to see His truths and ways beyond the obvious. Incidentally, the person who said apple tree was the senior pastor's wife.

His sermon was about how we fail to see people and events and the future opportunities and potential it could bring. And because we fail to understand, we fail to anticipate and fail to encourage the future potential to come to pass.

It brought to my mind how different things could have been, if I was not criticized for being bossy when I was a teenager when I was helping out with the school Christian Fellowship, when I could instead have been encouraged that I had the potential for leadership, but good leadership meant tampering with the desire to control, the desire to give orders, the pride to be acknowledged as good and efficient. That good leadership meant humility, the first to serve, the last to be given affirmative praise, to have the skill of encouraging people to rise and meet the needs of the people.

How different could it have been, if someone did not see an annoying person craving for attention and using inappropriate ways to get it, and instead saw a hurt and fallen sinner whose heart could be transformed through God's grace and be used far more greatly than a person who never knew what it meant to be in pain and in need, and embrace the broken-hearted with comfort and understanding.

After all, which parent would look at their new-born baby only sees a small person with no abilities to feed and fend for itself? Most would see future presidents, doctors, astronauts, movers and shakers of the world.

Perhaps this is what it truly means to have the gift of prophecy that Paul wished everyone of the Corinth church had! My life as a Christian really begun to make sense only when I was sat down by Bro O and was told what were the strengths he saw in me, the weaknesses, and the possible things I could be doing for the Lord.

What difference it makes, this lesson of looking beyond the obvious and interpreting people and events with the understanding of God's Word and His character.

Labels: Musings

Someone once mentioned that the first time he saw me, it was in a church camp, and I was by myself and the first thought that came to his mind was, "There's a withdrawer."

Another friend also mentioned that I would often appear in the midst of my own world even among crowds and he attributed it to the youngest child syndrome.

Sometimes I feel that people around me looks at me, but doesn't see me. Most times I feel the stare of disapproval boring down on me, whether existent or not, simply out of habit. So sometimes, I feel as it doesn't matter whether I'm there or not, and/or to avoid being disapproved, I withdraw into my room, my inner sanctuary, my world. Although, most times, it's also because I enjoy spending time with my own thoughts and entertainment, be it the laptop or books.

Last week, a friend mentioned several times that she found that I always seem very certain of myself and of my beliefs, and very much in fact, compared to most people. It's how I never seem to be in doubt of my Christian faith, how I'm quick to state what I like and dislike. Example, someone asked whether I would help to usher during the evening services and I immediately said no (giving him a bit of surprise). I don't do two things in church as a rule, usher and wash dishes. Not because I'm lazy, when it comes to church, my forte is interacting with people. Not being stuck in a corner hidden away.

I am a person of extremes.

On one hand, I have an innate need in me to interact with people, and yet, I am also afraid of them and would like to withdraw from them completely during interval periods. But I find that also gives me the time and space to reconsider my person, how I influence others and how I am being influenced.

I am a person with an amazing amount of self-confidence, at times bordering arrogance. But in the last few months and maybe even year, my self-doubts has been more aggressive. And in the last one a half month, it quite nearly overwhelmed me.

But I think there's a need for these tensions to exist in our lives. It pulls and stretches us that we are capable for more. Friday night I found myself in one of those stretching exercises which was more painful than usual until something in me snapped and I muttered a grumpy, "Oh shuttup,"
to the insidious nagging doubts in my head and just like that, peace settled back in.

Sometimes it isn't about jumping over hurdles, just kicking it aside.

Labels: Musings

When I got back to my flat from Malaysia, my room felt a little empty. I think it was because everything was neatly in its own place. Or maybe because Yvonne cleaned up a little before she left.

She was staying at my place in the last few days of her holiday in UK, which I had all intention of spending with her, but due to grandfather's death and funeral, I pulled my flights forward and had to let her spend her last days in UK alone. She occupied herself with my Internet connection though, which for some reason all the Malaysians who have stayed in my place enjoy the most. -_-

I haven't fully unpacked yet, but since I came back, for some reason, mess seemed to explode everywhere. I don't know how honestly.

After a while, I just decided, cleaning up is not worth the time and effort. So I declared to myself, no more cleaning.

It felt so liberating.

Until after 2 weeks of mess in my room AND in the kitchen AND the living room. I gave up on trying to badger the kids to clean up the living room simply by refusing to step into it.

I cannot bear the kitchen with dishes lying about everywhere, so I wiped every dish clean and tucked it all away one night, and my landlord got the hint that I was back and not ready to give up my kitchen habits.

I'm still working on my room - the inner sanctuary is always the toughest fight.

No matter how hard I try to convince myself I'm not the fussy type, I think deep down, there is an OCDic person lurking about.

Labels: Musings

It has been a month plus since I first arrived back in Malaysia and rushed for my grandfather's funeral. I'm not too sure why, but I felt the loss of my grandfather much more keenly than my maternal grandmother. Maybe it's partly because he was the only grandfather I had, since my maternal grandpa passed away before I was born.

When I first heard the news of my grandfather's death I was in my office in London. I was in a small usually unused room in one end of the office trying to bring my flight earlier so I could make it for the funeral and Parm, an British-born Punjabi happened to walk by. He was hoping to have his lunch and read a magazine in that same room.

After letting me cry a little, he asked me to tell him memories of my grandfather, which made me cry even more and in my head I was wondering why was this idiot trying to make me cry harder.

But after that, I realised that there was something about remembering those who have gone before us that gives a degree of solace. I wonder what it is; I haven't put my finger to it yet.

As the days passed, more and more memories started trickling back to me.

I remember him bending down towards me when I was still a small kid grinning at me, wearing his usual boxer shorts that he always wears around the house and his hair always combed to the side with gel. I remember he would always rub his back against the pillar in the back of the house like a cat to scratch his back.

I remember he took me to my cousin KaiChi's concert and we sat in the front rows while we waited for her turn to come out to the stage. And I remember she came out crawling as she was supposed to act like a baby, and I jumped out of my seat and called out her name very loudly and pointed to her as I turned to look at my grandfather excitedly.

I remember we were at the back of his textile store and he grabbed my small hand to rub it against his stubble on his chin and I remember squealing because it was sharp and prickly. I remember sitting in the living room when he came home in the evening and he whistled like a bird. He could whistle so well!

I remember every morning and evening when he came home from taichi and work, I would stand at the grill door and excitedly shout out to him, "Yeh Yeh! Chou Ahn!" and "Wahn Ahn!"

And he would respond back with a shout and greet me in return.

I remember as we waited in the car for my grandma, he turned around and grinned at me and asked if he should find a new girlfriend, and I jumped up from the seat and shouted indignantly, "No! Cannot!" and he just laughed.

I remember asking him about the past, and he was recounting of WWII, where the bombs fell in Taiping, and of his arranged marriage with my grandmother, who he claimed was the second most fairest girl in town at that time.

I'm glad I have all these memories of him, and only wished I had more. I was crying so hard during the funeral, I felt my younger cousins trying not to stare but stealing furtive glances at me, looking a little puzzled as to why I was so overwrought. But KaiChi, who is my age and was raised in Taiping where my grandfather lived, came up from behind and patted my shoulder in understanding. It's a shame my younger cousins never got a chance to know our grandfather the way the older cousins did.

I'm glad for many things, and it has been a rather emotional rollercoaster the last few weeks with the funeral, and the visa and things. But today I feel a lot more at peace with things. I think I'm also partly tired of worrying about things that I have no control over. And the one verse that has been the cornerstone of peace for me is Romans 8:28 - "For all things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His will."

And God has not once proven Himself false to that as that promise has even stretched beyond the years of me being a Christian.

Labels: Musings

Now, there was a time when I hated uncertainties. I needed to know what was going to happen in my life. And if I didn't have an inkling of what to expect in the next 6 months ahead of me, I would get very rankled and unsettled.

When I was in UK, finishing up my last year in university. I wanted to know where I was headed, to stay in UK or to return to Malaysia. I wanted to know what kind of job was I going to find. There were a lot of small question marks dotted everywhere.

What frustrated me most that at that time was that when I wanted answers most, all I got was a purposeful silence. I knew God was being silent, and chose to leave my questions hanging.

And then came two simple words. For all the tears, the worries, the toss and turns in the middle of the night. There was only two simple words to soothe my dozens of questions and my daily pleadings for affirmation, clarity, answers, anything.

Trust Me.

Trust You!??!

Sorry for the sudden agitation, but remembering all those tears, worries, toss and turns in the middle of the night, the high blood pressure those two words gave me at that point of time is being brought back to my mind.

You cannot believe how rankled I was at that answer. Sometimes I think no one really knows just how incredibly upset I was during that period of uncertainty.

Then there was a period when I was in between jobs. Having left ME and really wanting to join the company of my dreams, I was in a period where I faced setbacks after setbacks, each time a blow to my pride and dignity.

I hate rejections. I faced a lot of rejections during that time. Some were really sharp slaps in the face. It wasn't an easy time for me.

That was two and a half years ago. Now? Well, we always knew that I somehow managed to develop a small mean streak of masochism in me, don't we?

The pull of the unknown and uncertainty is beckoning me again. The whispers and taunts of the hidden faces caressing me like thin tendrils. I miss those nights of tears, the wrenching of the heart, from glaring upward to the sky in accusing eyes.

This time, when I face all the uncertainties and all the unknowns, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and all I see is the sky, and I cannot help but turn to Jesus, who holds out His hand and say, "Trust Me?"

And I smile back at him with a slight maniacal grin and say, "You bet!"

Labels: Musings

... God seems to meddle in something and is not as discreet and as quiet as He usually is.

Example: Sunday morning, and I woke up at 9am. Service is at 10am, and I was disappointed, because I was secretly hoping to oversleep so I have an excuse not to go to church. So I lay on my bed a little longer, hoping to fall asleep and then oversleep and have an excuse not to go to church.

But... I couldn't sleep! I just lightly dozed but was still fully conscious I should be going to church. Finally, at 10am, I felt an insistent nudge. A voice floated in my head saying, "I want you to go to church."

Grumbling a little, the voice continued, "Now, what was the lesson I was trying to teach you about obeying?"

"To obey immediately," my response was and I quickly jumped out of bed.

So I dragged myself to church.

The speaker at church was Goh Keat Peng, of World Vision. He was preaching on something he felt a strong burden for, and as he spoke, he mentioned about living our lives for God. Immediately, my mind jumped at my previous post.

I quietly looked up at God and wondered whether He had a specific reason to force me to go to church and I could nearly hear Jesus' innocent reply, "Now, since when do I need a reason for you to go to church?"

Fine. I settled back down.

Then Mr Goh said something about journey mercies. My mind jumped again, fully suspicious now.

He was talking about our current circumstances in the country and he said something that struck me, "What is the point of religious freedom if it is not practiced in the context of God's mission?"

I could almost see Bro O's head nodding in agreement.

He continued to speak for half an hour. What he was preaching were hard challenges and I think we Malaysian Christians have gone a little lax and taken too many things for granted.

Backtrack to the night before, as I was talking to Nicole, she asked about my theological studies. I admitted I was struggling, but I would really like to see it through one day. And she said she could see I struggled, and yet she saw my heart to do it, and I will but later. A word jumped into my mind at that point. Something that seems ridiculous for me to achieve at this point, but it has popped into my head a few times before.

My mind jumped, because she spoke with a strong smell of HS which caused me to pay attention a little more. Don't ask me how I can tell.

No idea what God is up to, but I do not for one second believe He isn't up to something.

Oooh... He is having sooooo much fun... toying all the bits and pieces of the puzzle before me.

Labels: Musings

I have grown to dislike houses which backyards exist merely to be functional. Functioned to provide you just enough space to hang your undies with enough privacy to be considered decent. Even then, my ex-colleague enjoyed keeping the rest of us updated as to what colour of panties another colleague has because he lives close enough to catch glimpses of her laundry. So, so much for decent privacy.

I also dislike houses with backyards are built in close proximity to one another with only a narrow strip of land dividing it. In some cases, drains.

The reason why I've come to dislike small backyards is because of this. This, is my backyard.




Nights like this, when the air is chill and temperature just right to snuggle comfortably under a blanket, I feel completely at peace.

A friend and I were talking last weekend about what we liked to do on Saturdays. He liked it filled with activities while I enjoy my Saturdays quietly lull. When I find my life too crowded with people and activities, my systems go on an overdrive and threaten to crash if I do not clear away all the noise.

The last three years has been manic. Maybe that's why emptying my life to start all over again is appealing to me.

Labels: Musings

I've got a gift, or so some might claim. I can type really quite fast. And I can also type without looking at the screen or the keyboard, and do it fairly accurately. This, I attribute to my odd fascination with punching things with my finger.

When I was just a child, I remember always being fascinated playing with calculators. And I would have so much fun tallying up the bills at my dad's boutique. I loved playing with the old typewriters as well, but that needed paper, and I didn't really have much to write about then.

And when I was Standard 3, my class teacher asked all of us what our ambitions were. When it came to my turn, I knew what I was going to say, but I was a little confused about the exact term.


Teacher: So what is your ambition?

10 Year Old Me: *Frowning in consternation* Urh... I want to be se... se... security."

Teacher: Hah?! You want to be a security guard?!?!

10 Year Old Me: Err... no... neh... the punching typewriter wan...

Teacher: Oh! Hehehe... secretary!

10 Year Old Me: Yarh... secretary!


I can't remember if I've blogged about this before. But today, I remember the conversation I once had with an ex-colleague. He asked me why I didn't become a secretary.

My answer was, my parents invested too much in me to allow me just to be a simple secretary. After all, they sent me overseas to UK to gain a degree.

And a conversation I had with Bro O reminded me of that. That no matter how simple a life I may want (or think I may want), sometimes, it's not really up to me to decide. When someone has invested much in your life, and you've built your life on other people's sacrifices, you need to give that back.

Labels: Musings

My paternal grandfather has been admitted in Subang Medical Center for congestive heart failure. Situation's stable, but... I feel funny.

Death is an eventuality. And yet, it's disconcerting.

I found out yesterday a colleague was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's all... very sobering.

No matter how common an accepted fact death can be, it never seems to be easily accepted. How ironic.

Labels: Musings

Apparently I've been too dour lately. Seems like the world really doesn't want to know about my problems.

Ok!

So here's to a new me! Scratching that itch you see! ;)

But oops... just realised that I haven't really been that dour on my blog. Just on my messages I've been leaving on Gtalk, MSN and Facebook.

Nevertheless, I shall attempt to be more cheerful, jovial and Ms Sunshiney. Even despite my grumpy self already muttering away its many grumbles...

Labels: Musings

I used to be allergic to alcohol. Used to be. My ex-manager from ME cured me of that when she dragged me every freaking Friday night out for drinks with her.

My torso would itch like hell for the next three days after consuming alcohol. No rashes, no breakouts, just itchy-like-hell kind of itch. The kind of itch which makes you want to sink your nails under your skin and tear the flesh out. The trick to withstand that kind of itch is to not scratch at all. Because once you do, you will want to tear your flesh out.

Two weekends ago, I had an itch.

A different kind of itch.

An itch that was centered on my head.

I went to the hair saloon, and decided that itch must be removed.

So I had a hair cut, and also had it highlighted. It was an itch for a change in my life. But oddly enough, the itch had the same reaction as my allergy. I've been scratching that itch for two weeks now.

Now, i just want to change every single d*mn aspect of my life.

Labels: Musings