Journey mercies

Now, there was a time when I hated uncertainties. I needed to know what was going to happen in my life. And if I didn't have an inkling of what to expect in the next 6 months ahead of me, I would get very rankled and unsettled.

When I was in UK, finishing up my last year in university. I wanted to know where I was headed, to stay in UK or to return to Malaysia. I wanted to know what kind of job was I going to find. There were a lot of small question marks dotted everywhere.

What frustrated me most that at that time was that when I wanted answers most, all I got was a purposeful silence. I knew God was being silent, and chose to leave my questions hanging.

And then came two simple words. For all the tears, the worries, the toss and turns in the middle of the night. There was only two simple words to soothe my dozens of questions and my daily pleadings for affirmation, clarity, answers, anything.

Trust Me.

Trust You!??!

Sorry for the sudden agitation, but remembering all those tears, worries, toss and turns in the middle of the night, the high blood pressure those two words gave me at that point of time is being brought back to my mind.

You cannot believe how rankled I was at that answer. Sometimes I think no one really knows just how incredibly upset I was during that period of uncertainty.

Then there was a period when I was in between jobs. Having left ME and really wanting to join the company of my dreams, I was in a period where I faced setbacks after setbacks, each time a blow to my pride and dignity.

I hate rejections. I faced a lot of rejections during that time. Some were really sharp slaps in the face. It wasn't an easy time for me.

That was two and a half years ago. Now? Well, we always knew that I somehow managed to develop a small mean streak of masochism in me, don't we?

The pull of the unknown and uncertainty is beckoning me again. The whispers and taunts of the hidden faces caressing me like thin tendrils. I miss those nights of tears, the wrenching of the heart, from glaring upward to the sky in accusing eyes.

This time, when I face all the uncertainties and all the unknowns, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and all I see is the sky, and I cannot help but turn to Jesus, who holds out His hand and say, "Trust Me?"

And I smile back at him with a slight maniacal grin and say, "You bet!"

Labels: Musings