Another friend also mentioned that I would often appear in the midst of my own world even among crowds and he attributed it to the youngest child syndrome.
Sometimes I feel that people around me looks at me, but doesn't see me. Most times I feel the stare of disapproval boring down on me, whether existent or not, simply out of habit. So sometimes, I feel as it doesn't matter whether I'm there or not, and/or to avoid being disapproved, I withdraw into my room, my inner sanctuary, my world. Although, most times, it's also because I enjoy spending time with my own thoughts and entertainment, be it the laptop or books.
Last week, a friend mentioned several times that she found that I always seem very certain of myself and of my beliefs, and very much in fact, compared to most people. It's how I never seem to be in doubt of my Christian faith, how I'm quick to state what I like and dislike. Example, someone asked whether I would help to usher during the evening services and I immediately said no (giving him a bit of surprise). I don't do two things in church as a rule, usher and wash dishes. Not because I'm lazy, when it comes to church, my forte is interacting with people. Not being stuck in a corner hidden away.
I am a person of extremes.
On one hand, I have an innate need in me to interact with people, and yet, I am also afraid of them and would like to withdraw from them completely during interval periods. But I find that also gives me the time and space to reconsider my person, how I influence others and how I am being influenced.
I am a person with an amazing amount of self-confidence, at times bordering arrogance. But in the last few months and maybe even year, my self-doubts has been more aggressive. And in the last one a half month, it quite nearly overwhelmed me.
But I think there's a need for these tensions to exist in our lives. It pulls and stretches us that we are capable for more. Friday night I found myself in one of those stretching exercises which was more painful than usual until something in me snapped and I muttered a grumpy, "Oh shuttup,"
to the insidious nagging doubts in my head and just like that, peace settled back in.
Sometimes it isn't about jumping over hurdles, just kicking it aside.
Labels: Musings